Gulf Wars: Episode IV

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The awesome yellow planet of Tikritooine emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Rebel Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. It is pursed by a giant Imperial Carrier. The Carrier unleashes another barrage of missiles that dwarfs the tinier ship... the barrage is so massive that although it is directly on target, only a few of the missiles hit the Rebel ship, while the rest scream past into darkness. The hits detonate in bright flashes of light, erasing the remaining shields and crashing into the engines.

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REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER - MAIN PASSAGEWAY
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An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Em-Pee-Three (MP-3) and Eff-Yu-Two (FU-2) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are old and battered. MP-3 is a squat, round-topped cylinder that glides along the ground on small tracked feet, with a large lens amid the computer lights of his semi-spherical face. FU-2, on the other hand, is a tall, slender robot of human proportions. He has a gleaming bronze-like metallic surface of an Art Deco design. Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way.

FU-2: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main drive. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness!

Rebel troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. They aim their AK-47s and small arms toward the door.

FU-2: We're doomed! Doomed, I tell you!

As always, the pert little droid, MP-3, expresses himself via a series of beeps and clicks, understandable only by another robot, but occasionally having a familiar ring to anyone who listens.

MP-3: #WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER? by Queen#

FU-2: There'll be no escape for the Princess this time.

The smaller robot tries to correct him:

MP-3: #MORE THAN A WOMAN by BeeGees#

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Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment are heard moving around the outside hull of the ship. The Imperial craft has easily overtaken the Rebel Blockade Runner. The smaller Rebel ship is being drawn into the underside docking bay of the giant Imperial starship.

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The nervous Rebel troopers aim their weapons. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored spacesuited Stormtroopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor.
In a few minutes the entire passageway is ablaze with laserfire. The deadly bolts ricochet in wild random patterns creating bright explosions. Stormtroopers advance in a straight line as bullets bounce harmlessly off their armour, while they return a fearsome wave of laserbolts, which unbelievably score no hits, but seeing how outnumbered and generally screwed they are, a few Rebels throw up their arms to surrender, while the rest scream and flee in terror.
An explosion hits near the robots.

FU-2: I should have known better than to trust an overclocked, Linux-based jukebox like you!

MP-3: #IT WASN'T ME by Shaggy#

Back in the main hallway, the awesome, seven-foot-tall Dark Lord of the Sith makes his way into the blinding light of the main passageway. This is Darth Cheney, right hand of the Emperor. He wears flowing black robes but his face is obscured by the grotesque mask of the armoured full-body pacemaker suit which sustains his life, and which stands out next to the fascist white armored suits of the Imperial stormtroopers. Everyone instinctively backs away from the imposing warrior and a deathly quiet sweeps through the Rebel troops. Several of the Rebel troops (who were sneaking back to see if the fight was over yet) break and run again in a frenzied panic. Darth Cheney turns from side to side, surveying the battle scene quickly, then advances towards the sounds of gunfire, deeper into the ship.

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The lanky FU-2 stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. MP-3 is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Rebel soldiers can be heard in the distance.

FU-2: MP-3? MP-3 where are you?

A familiar clanking sound attacks FU's attention and he spots little MP-3 at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A white-robed figure (with face obscured) stands in front of MP-3. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the smoke, she finishes adjusting something on MP-3's computer face, then watches as the little robot joins his companion.

FU-2: At last! Where have you been? They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll surely be sent to the spice mines of Kirkuk, or the Spice Girls world tour, or some similarly maniacal torture.

The sound of Stormtroopers battling can be heard in the distance. MP-3 scoots past his bronze friend and races down the subhallway. FU-2 chases after him.

FU-2: Wait a minute, where are you going?

MP-3: #ALL THE WAY by Lone Star#

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Elsewhere on the doomed ship, the evil Darth Cheney stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. He grabs a wounded Rebel Officer by the neck as an Imperial Officer rushes up to the Dark Lord.

IMPERIAL OFFICER: The MOAB Star plans are not in the main computer.

Cheney squeezes the neck of the Rebel Officer, who struggles in vain. His commanding voice booms out, punctuated by the beeping of his pacemaker suit.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Where are those files you downloaded?

Cheney lifts the Rebel off his feet by his throat.

REBEL OFFICER: We didn't download anything. Aaah... Our ISP's user agreement strictly forbids file sharing!

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] If you don't use stolen software, then where is your original Windows CD? [BEEP BEEP] And how do you explain all these CDs of pre-air Suppranos episodes?

The Rebel refuses to speak but eventually cries out as the Dark Lord begins to squeeze the officer's throat, creating a gruesome snapping and choking, until the soldier goes limp. Cheney tosses the dead soldier against the wall and turns to his troops.

DARTH CHENEY: Commander, [BEEP BEEP] tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the Ambassador... [BEEP BEEP] Alive!

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The stormtroopers scurry into the subhallways. The white-robed Ambassador huddles in a small alcove as the Stormtroopers search through the ship. As the muted crushing sounds of the approaching Stormtroopers grow louder, the figure crouches into a little ball, wishing to become invisible. One of the troopers spots it, and whips out his deck of Rebel Main Character identifier cards (collect them all!).

STORMTROOPER 1: That's the Ambassador all right, just like on the Queen of Hearts here! Set for stun.

STORMTROOPER 2: You've got the Queen? I'll trade you my Minister of Information rookie card for that...

Ignoring him, the first soldier opens up, firing full auto. The stun blasts pepper the area, but somehow even at 2 meter range, all the shots miss the target as the white-robed Ambassador panics and tries to run - unfortunately, right into a wall. The inert form of the Ambassador collapses with a concussion, and the Stormtroopers shrug to one another.

STORMTROOPER 1: Mission accomplished. Inform Lord Cheney we have a POW.

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Not much further down the corridor, MP-3 stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash. The stubby astro-mech droid works his way into the cramped four-man pod.

FU-2: Hey, you're not permitted in there. It's restricted. You'll be deactivated for sure...

MP-3: #WHAT IS LIFE by Black Uhuru#

FU-2: Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease! Now come out before somebody sees you.

MP-3: #WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, TOUGH GET GOING by Billy Ocean#

FU-2: Secret mission? What files? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there!

A new explosion, this time very close, sends dust and debris through the narrow subhallway. Flames lick at FU-2 and, after a flurry of electronic swearing from MP-3, the geeky robot jumps into the lifepod.

FU-2: Oh, I'm going to regret this.

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The safety door snaps shut, and with the thunder of exploding latches the tiny lifepod ejects from the disabled ship.
On the main viewscreen, the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft.

GUNNER 1: There goes another one! Fire!

The point defense station launches a missile, which arcs out, curves away from the escape pod and instead hits an Imperial TIE strike fighter which was flying by on patrol. The too gunners look at one another upon witnessing the friendly fire incident.

GUNNER 2: You know what this means?

GUNNER 1: Yeah, we actually HIT something! We might get a commendation!

The two gunners high-five as the life pod, containing the two droids and the precious files carried by MP-3, streaks down towards the nearby desert planet of Tikritooine. MP-3 and FU-2 look out at the receding Imperial starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through space.

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Unbeknownst to them, back aboard the captured Rebel ship, the Ambassador is dragged over to Lord Cheney and slapped awake to meet his judgement. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator.

AMBASSADOR ALI: Darth Cheney. I sh-sh-should have known. Only you would be so b-bold. The United Nations will hear of this atrocity.

DARTH CHENEY: Don't play your atrocity-accusing games with me, Your Highness. [BEEP BEEP] You weren't cooperating with the inspectors this time. You passed directly through a no-fly-zone system. [BEEP] Several transmissions were downloaded to this ship by Rebel hackers. [BEEP] I want to know what happened to the files they sent you.

AMBASSADOR ALI: I-I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a representative of the United Nations on a dip-diplomatic mission to Afghaneraan...

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] You're assisting the Rebel terrorists... and you are a traitor. [BEEP BEEP] Take the prisoner to the holding cells!

Ali is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. An Imperial Commander turns to Cheney.

COMMANDER: Holding the Ambassador is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion in the assembly.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] I have traced the Rebel spies here. Now [BEEP] Ali is my only link to find their secret base!

COMMANDER: These terrorists would die before telling you anything.

DARTH CHENEY: Leave that to me. [BEEP BEEP] Send a distress signal and then inform the senate that all aboard were killed by the terrorists!

COMMANDER: Do you think they'll buy it?

DARTH CHENEY: It doesn't matter. [BEEP BEEP] They can't prove otherwise, so they'll accept whatever we tell them.

Another Imperial Officer approaches Cheney and the Commander. They stop and snap to attention.

SECOND OFFICER: Lord Cheney, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made - we ensured that with a denial of service attack (we simultaneously uploaded 30 million copies of a file labelled "NudePhotosOfPamelaLee.gif", crashing the file sharing servers for several minutes). An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard.

DARTH CHENEY: They must have burned to files to a CD and hidden the plans in the escape pod. [BEEP BEEP] Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander. [BEEP] There'll be no one to stop us this time.

COMMANDER: There never is. That's why I love this Empire, Sir.

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THE DESERT PLANET: TIKRITOOINE
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A rugged desert lies where rough rock cliffs meet the foreboding dune sea. The two helpless droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The lifepod in the distance rests half buried in the sand.

FU-2: How did I get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.

MP-3: #I SECOND THAT EMOTION by Smokey Robinson & Miracles#

FU-2: I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen. What a desolate place this is.

Suddenly MP-3 whistles, makes a sharp right turn and starts off in the direction of the rocky desert mesas. FU-2 stops and yells at him.

FU-2: Where are you going?

MP-3: #FINDING MY WAY by 702#

FU-2: Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is much easier.

Pausing, MP-3 counters with a long whistle.

FU-2: What makes you think there are settlements over there?

MP-3: #WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS by Beatles#

FU-2: Don't get technical with me.

MP-3: #RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED by Nightengale#

FU-2: What mission? What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted pez dispender!

FU-2: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help, because you won't get it.

MP-3: #JONNY ARE YOU QUEER by Josie Cotton#
#I WILL SURVIVE by Gloria Gaynor#

Angry at his friend's stubbornness, MP-3 turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas. He beeps to himself as he makes his way toward the distant mountains.

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Hours later, FU-2 hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a dune: only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless miles. He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas.

FU-2: That malfunctioning little twerp. This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better.

In a huff of anger and frustration, FU-2 knocks the sand from his joints. His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of reflected light in the distance reveals an object moving towards him. The bronze android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport.

FU-2: Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved! Yooo-hooo! Over here! Help! Please, help!

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That night, a group of hooded Scavenging Nerdwas ambush MP-3 in the canyons, knock him down, and fit him with a restraining bolt.

NERDWA 1: Yippee! My collection is complete. I said to you "why buy it, when you can steal one for free", but you thought it would be hard...

NERDWA 2: Yippee for you. Its probably full of bugs, and you can't get tech support if you aren't a registered customer. Thats why we have a van full of falling-apart droids. Check it for viruses before you bring it aboard.

NERDWA 1: Maybee-bee, maybe. But its FREE! And besides, if you ever threw your garbage in the pail, we wouldn't have a van full of potato chip bags and empty pop bottles. Now help me cram this sucker in the RV.

They ignominiously dump MP-3 into the cargo hold of their tracked RV, and resume their caffeine-addled meandering through the desert. The droid falls into a bin filled with debris which could be accurately described as a jumble of falling-apart droids, potato chip bags and empty pop bottles. Some of the other droids show signs of life, beeping or twitching, but most are inoperative. The sounds of a mild, continuous arguement echoes down from the crew compartment.

NERDWA 1: ...yeah and I heard that Voyager: Away Team is actually a pretty sweet FPS, but damned if I'm ever taking orders from Tuvok.

NERDWA 2: Could-beee, could-be, but it would be better than playing the same two-player Warcraft III over and over again on our LAN. If you'd pick up a legit copy for yourself, we could team up to destroy the entire galaxy of inferior Warcraft players, but noOOOoo, you have a free copy so no CD-key, so all we can do is replay the same stale match again and again...

NERDWA 1: But its-freeee, its-FREE!

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So MP-3 stumbles around the cargo hold aimlessly, until he is surprised by a familiar voice from behind one of the piles of junk.

FU-2: MP-3? Is that you! Oh it IS you. I'm so glad to see a familiar face.

MP-3: #ARE 'FRIENDS' ELECTRIC by Gary Numan#

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Far off in the desert, and Imperial patrol has located the escape pod's crash site, and are investigating the scene. Two pairs of tracks lead of across the desert. One trooper bends down and picks up a bronze wingnut.

STORMTROOPER 18: Look sir, droids!

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: This is Heraldo Fortuna reporting from an undisclosed location in the Dune Sea desert on Tikritooine, about 50 miles East-by-Northeast of-

SERGEANT 51: Shut up! You're not allowed to give away our location.

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: Oh right... anyhow, Stormtrooper 18, I hear you have just discovered evidence that could lead to the secret burned CD of illegaly downloaded files, suspected to be held by Rebel terrorists...

While Stormtrooper 18 looks uncomfortably at the camera and tries to come up with a response, the rest of the squad unsafety their blasters and open fire on the reporter. Small craters are blown into the sand all over, as dozens of deadly laser bolts lash out, but sadly all fail to strike their target. Whether oblivious to the danger posed by the angered Stormtroopers - or perhaps all-too-aware of the level of danger involved - either way the reporter continues undaunted, bends down, and begins scribbling in the dirt with a stick (which he apparently carries around for just this purpose, since there are approximately zero sticks handy in the deep desert).

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: Now, if I were to draw a map here in the sand, could you then indicate the direction of these tracks for the holo-viewers back home?

SERGEANT 51: Goddamn it!

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The massive tracked RV pulls up near a modest desert homestead. The Nerdwas begin unloading droids from the cargo hold and work on posing the damaged ones to look like their in better condition than they really are, and generally prancing around like little kids. One of them issues commands to the droids' restraining bolts via a remote control.

NERDWA 1: Droid ON... droid OFF. Droid ON... droid OFF! Hehe, this thing is swee-sweeet.

NERDWA 2: I think the farmer's comin out. Quick, shine that ones dome!

NERDWA 1: Heeeeee-hehe, shine his dome, heheee!

NERDWA 2: You-tiny-brained... arrrgh.

MP-3: #CHAIN OF FOOLS by Aretha Franklin#

The farmer walks out, followed grudgingly by his nephew, Qusai Scudwalker, a fresh-faced youth who looks like he'd rather be somewhere else. The limping father wanders up, and begins haggling right away.

UNCLE: All I need is a one to fix speeders and one that can talk to some outdated machinery. Free advice: never update anything that's working fine. Only problem is finding compatible droids. What's this skinny one looking at? Who the hell are you?

FU-2: I am FU-2, human-cyborg relations. My primary function is-

UNCLE: Do you speak the binary language of OS2 vaporators?

FU-2: Why, as a matter of fact, my first job was tending a daycare where I was kicked repeatedly in the nuts, much like using your OS2, and I-

UNCLE: Shut up. I'll take him and the little red one...

FU-2: Shutting up sir.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hey uncle, this little blue one is shinier, and it knows how to beep the Oscar Meier Weiner tune.

UNCLE: All right, whatever, the blue one instead.

The farmer pays the Nerdwas with in the usual Nerdwa currency - blank CDs and caffeinated soft drinks - and the hooded gnomish figures cackle gleefully and drive off. Qusai is stuck with the task of cleaning up the newly purchased droids and briefing them on their duties. MP-3 stands by as FU-2 is lowered into an oil bath by the unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism.

FU-2: Ahh, thank the Maker. Any longer in that desert hellhole and I would have rusted solid.

MP-3: #GREASE by Frankie Valli#

FU-2: Quiet, you. He'll grease your dome as soon as I'm done - I need this more than you.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Sigh] It just isn't fair. I'll never get out of here!

FU-2: Is there anything I could do to help, sir?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or play X-Box on your friend here.

MP-3: #DON'T WANNA BE A PLAYER by Joe Walsh#

FU-2: I don't think so, sir. I'm only a droid and not very knowledgeable about such things. Not on this planet, anyways. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure which planet I'm on.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, if the universe is a giant Toostie-Roll Pop, this is the planet from which it takes the most licks to reach the chewy center.

FU-2: I don't really follow, sir.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Remember those old commercials, with the owl that says "how many licks to get to the middle of a"... oh forget the damn analogy. Suffice it to say this place licks.

FU-2: I see, sir.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Uh, you can call me Qusai.

FU-2: Well I am Eff-Yu-Two, human-cyborg relations, and this is my counterpart, Em-Pee-Three.

MP-3: #HOW DO YOU DO by Radiohead#

With a sigh, Qusai sits down on a stool to begin scraping off MP-3. He isn't at it for long before he hits a snag.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, your friend has something jammed in there good. Let me - hold on, I think I've got it...

The fragment breaks loose with a snap, sending Qusai tumbling head over heels. He sits up and sees a twelve-inch three-dimensional hologram of the hooded white-robed figure of Ali, the Rebel ambassador, being projected from the face of little MP-3. The image is a rainbow of colors as it flickers and jiggles in the dimly lit garage. Qusai's mouth hangs open in awe, as a short message loops again and again:

HOLO OF ALI: Help me Osama Bin-One. You're my only hope.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Where the heck did that come from?

MP-3: #NOTHING BUT HEARTACHES by Supremes#

FU-2: What is what?!? He asked you a question... What is that?

HOLO OF ALI: Help me Osama Bin-One. You're my only hope... Help me Osama Bin-One. You're my only hope...

MP-3: #IN MY POCKET by Mandy Moore#

FU-2: Oh, he says it's nothing, sir. Old data left by a previous master. Pay it no mind.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, I can't really see her face under that hood, but I bet she's beautiful. And she's wearing white... Who is she?

FU-2: I think she was a passenger on our last voyage. A person of some importance, sir - I believe. Our captain was attached to...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Is there more to this recording?

The little droid bounces and whistles, trying to set them straight about the Ambassador, but FU-2 misses the point as usual.

MP-3: #MAN ON YOUR MIND by Little River Band#

FU-2: He says he's the property of Osama Bin-One, a resident of these parts. And it's a private message for him. Quite frankly, sir, I don't know what he's talking about. Our last master was Captain Antilles, but with what we've been through, this little unit has become a bit eccentric.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Osama Bin-One? I wonder if he means old Ben Laden?

FU-2: I beg your pardon, sir, but do you know what he's talking about?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, I don't know anyone named Osama Bin-One, but old Ben lives out beyond the dune sea. He's kind of a strange old hermit...
...I wonder who she is. It sounds like she's in trouble. I'd better play back the whole thing.

MP-3: #CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS by Iron Maiden#

FU-2: He says the restraining bolt has short circuited his recording system. He suggests that if you remove the bolt, he might be able to play back the entire recording.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: H'm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're too small to run away on me if I take this off! Okay.

The young man leans over and pops off the droid-control device, but is dismayed when the hologram instantly shuts off.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hey! Where'd it go? Bring her back! Play back the entire message.

MP-3: #I HAVE NOTHING by Whitney Houston#

FU-2: What message? The one you've just been playing. The one you're carrying inside that heavily fragmented hard drive of yours!

Just then, Qusai's aunt calls him up for supper. As FU-2 apologizes, the frustrated Qusai shoves MP-3 into a diagnostic machine and promises to be back soon.

FU-2: Just you reconsider playing that message for him, you troublesome little Furbee. He's our new master, and you could screw things over bigtime with your little stunts.

MP-3: #WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LIKE ME? by No Use For a Name#

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Qusai sits at the kitchen table with his Uncle, eating dinner. His Aunt fusses over the meal until finally she sits down to eat with them. Finally, Qusai broaches the subject on his mind.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You know, I think that little blue droid we bought might have been stolen.

UNCLE: What makes you think that?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone called Osama Bin-One. That and somebody spraypainted -=FR33 StuFF r0XX0rz=- on its side.

Uncle is greatly alarmed at the mention of his name, but manages to control himself.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I thought he might have meant Ben. Do you know what he's talking about? Well, I wonder if he's related to Ben.

UNCLE: That old man's just a crazy wizard. Tomorrow I want you to take that little MP-3 into Umm Qasr and have its memory wiped. That'll be the end of it. It belongs to us now.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: But what if this Osama-Bin-One comes looking for him?

UNCLE: He won't, I don't think he exists any more. He died about the same time as your father.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: He knew my father?

UNCLE: I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to prepare the new droids for tomorrow. In the morning I want them on the south ridge working out those condensers.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Man, I'm tired of you oppressing me. As soon as I'm accepted into the Imperial Academy, I am soooo out of this dump.

AUNT: My, I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

UNCLE: Since when do you have lines?

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The giant twin suns of Tikritooine slowly disappear behind the orange haze of blowing sands; the sky is streaked by rising columns of black smoke. Qusai stands watching them for a few moments, then reluctantly enters the domed entrance to the homestead's garage.

Entering the garage, Qusai finds the robots to be nowhere in sight. He takes a small control box from his utility belt similar to the one the Nerdwas were carrying. He activates the box, which creates a low hum, and FU-2, letting out a short yell, pops up from behind the Skyhopper spaceship.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What are you doing hiding there?

FU-2: It wasn't my fault, sir. Please don't deactivate me. I told him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning; kept babbling on about his mission.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Oh, no!

He races out of the garage followed by FU-2, and searches the darkening horizon for the small dome-topped droid. FU-2 struggles out of the homestead and on the salt flat as Qusai scans the landscape with his thermal night-vision goggles.

FU-2: That little jukebox of a droid has always been a problem. These astro-mechs are getting quite out of hand. Even I can't understand their logic at times.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: How could I be so stupid? He's nowhere in sight. Blast it!

FU-2: Pardon me, sir, but couldn't we go after him?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It's too dangerous with all the trailer-trash around. We'll have to wait until morning.

UNCLE: Qusai, I'm shutting the power down for the night.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: All right, I'll be there in a few minutes. Boy, am I gonna get it.

He takes one final look across the dim horizon.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You know that little droid is going to cause me a lot of trouble.

FU-2: Oh, he excels at that, sir.

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Next morning, the rock and sand of the desert floor are a blur as FU-2 pilots the sleek Landspeeder clumsily across the vast wasteland, swerving from side to side. Qusai is trying to hold his binoculars stable in the passenger seat, but it's a losing battle.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Dammit FU', can't you keep this thing straight? Its a flat open desert - there isn't an obstacle for miles!

FU-2: I'm only an interpreter! I am simply not designed for piloting. My elboes are fixed at 90 degrees.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: If you can barely move your arms, then shouldn't we HAVE to drive in a straight line? Wait, there's something dead ahead on the scanner. It looks like our droid... hit the accelerator.

From high on a rock mesa, the tiny Landspeeder can be seen gliding across the desert floor. Suddenly in the foreground two weather-beaten trailer-trash, shrouded in their grimy desert cloaks peer over the edge of the rock mesa. One of the marginally human creatures raises a long ominous laser rifle and points it at the speeder but the second creature grabs the gun before it can be fired. The trailer-trash, or Heston Raiders as they're sometimes called, speak in a coarse barbaric language as they get into an animated argument. The second Heston Raider seems to get in the final word and the nomads scurry over the rocky terrain.
The Heston Raiders approach two large Banthas standing tied to a rock. The monstrous, bear-like creatures are as large as elephants, with huge red eyes, tremendous looped horns, and long, furry, dinosaur-like tails. The Heston Raiders mount saddles strapped to the huge creatures' shaggy backs and ride off down the rugged bluff, each one pulling its trailer-home behind.

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The speeder is parked on the floor of a massive canyon. Qusai, with his long laser rifle slung over his shoulder, stands before little MP-3.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hey, whoa, just where do you think you're going?

The little droid whistles a feeble reply, as FU-2 poses menacingly behind the little runaway.

MP-3: #WALK ON by U2#

FU-2: Master Qusai here is your rightful owner now. We'll have no more of this Osama-Bin One jibberish... and don't talk to me of your mission, either. You're fortunate he doesn't wipe your hard drive with a dirty magnet right now!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It's not that bad, I'm just glad we found him. But, we should really get out of here. It's getting late, and this area's dangerous after dark.

FU-2: If you don't mind my saying so, sir, I think you should deactivate the little fugitive until you've gotten him back to your workshop.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Chill FU', he's not going to try anything now, are you MP-3?

Suddenly the little robot jumps to life with a mass of frantic whistles and almost screamlike noises.

MP-3: #DANGER ZONE by Kenny Loggins#

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What's wrong with him now?

FU-2: Oh my... sir, he says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast.

Swinging his rifle into position, Qusai looks to the south.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Trailer-trash! Or worse! Come on, let's have a look. Come on.

He carefully makes his way to the top of a rock ridge and scans the canyon with his electrobinoculars. He spots the two riderless Banthas and apparently unoccupied trailers. FU-2 struggles up behind the young adventurer.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: There are two trailers down there but I don't see any... wait a second, they're Heston Raiders all right. I can see one of them now. Its wearing one of those ugly breather masks, but no shirt. Ugh. That bandoleer must really chafe...

As Qusai watches the distant Heston Raider through his electrobinoculars, suddenly something huge moves in front of his field of view. Before Qusai or FU-2 can react, a large, gruesome Heston Raider looms over them. FU-2 is startled and backs away, right off the side of the cliff. He can be heard for several moments as he clangs, bangs and rattles down the side of the mountain. The towering creature brings down his tacky club-ended rifle butt, known as a Second-Amender. But Qusai manages to block the blow with his laser rifle, which is smashed in half. The terrified farm boy scrambles backward until he is forced to the edge of a deep crevice. The sinister Raider stands over him with his weapon raised and lets out a horrible shrieking laugh as it fires triumphantly into the air. More jubilant shots answer back from the parked trailers.

RAIDER: Yeehaw-yeehaw!

----------

Hiding in the shadows of a small alcove in the rocks, MP-3 watches as the vicious trailer-trash walk past carrying the inert Qusai, who is dropped in a heap before the speeder. The trailer-trash ransack the speeder, throwing parts and supplies in all directions as they scavenge for any smokes, porn or alchohol they might find. Suddenly they stop. Then everything is quiet for a few moments. A great howling moan is heard echoing throughout the canyon which sends the Heston Raiders fleeing in terror.

The tiny droid moves even tighter into the shadows as the slight swishing sound that frightened off the trailer-trash grows even closer, until a shabby old desert-rat-of-a-man appears and leans over Qusai. His ancient leathery face, cracked and weathered by exotic climates is set off by dark, penetrating eyes and a long but scraggly white beard. Ben Laden squints his eyes as he scrutinizes the unconscious farm boy. MP-3 makes a slight sound and Ben turns and looks right at him.

MP-3: #ARE YOU THAT SOMEBODY by Aaliyah#

BEN LADEN: Hello there! Come here my little friend. Don't be afraid.

Waddling over to where Qusai lies crumpled in a heap, MP-3 begins to whistle and beep his concern. Ben puts his hand on Qusai's forehead and he begins to come around.

BEN LADEN: Don't worry, he'll be all right.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What happened?

BEN LADEN: Rest easy, boy, you've had a busy day. Those Hestons knocked you on your ass something fierce. You are fortunate you're still in one piece.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Ben? Ben Laden! Boy, am I glad to see you!

BEN LADEN: The Jalalabad Wastes are not to be traveled lightly. Tell me, young Qusai, what brings you out this far?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Oh, this little droid! I think he's searching for his former master ... I've never seen such devotion in a droid before... there seems to be no stopping him. He claims to be the property of an Osama-Bin One. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know who he's talking about?

Scratching his scruffy beard, Ben ponders this for a moment.

BEN LADEN: Osama-Bin One...? Now thats a name I haven't heard in a long time... a long time.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead.

BEN LADEN: Oh, he's not dead, no... not yet. Though God knows they tried.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You know him!

BEN LADEN: Well of course, of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Osama-Bin One since oh, before you were born.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Then the droid does belong to you.

BEN LADEN: Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid. Though at one point I had 24 wives... Very interesting...

He suddenly looks up at the overhanging cliffs.

BEN LADEN: I think we'd better get indoors. The trailer-trash are easily startled, but as soon as Ricky Lake is over they will be back and in greater numbers, defending their "right to bear arms".

MP-3: #WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE by Frankie Lymon & Teenagers#

As Qusai sits up and rubs his head, MP-3 lets out a pathetic beep causing Qusai to remember something. He looks around.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: ... FU! Where did he fall to?

Little MP-3 stands at the edge of a large sand pit that the taller droid had stumbled into and begins to chatter away in electronic whistles and beeps. Qusai and Ben stand over a very dented and tangled FU-2 lying half buried in the sand. One of his arms has fallen off. Qusai tries to revive the inert robot by shaking him and then flips a hidden switch on his back several times until finally the mechanical man's systems turn on.

FU-2: Where am I? I must have had a bad trip...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Can you stand? We've got to get out of here before the trailer-trash return. I think even the little ones are packin' rifles.

FU-2: I don't think I can make it. You go on, Master Qusai. There's no sense in you risking yourself on my account. I'm done for.

MP-3: #I'VE HEARD THAT SONG BEFORE by Harry James#

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: No, you're not. What kind of talk is that?

Little MP-3 watches from the top of the pit as Qusai and Ben help the battered robot to his feet. Ben glances around suspiciously. Sensing something, he stands up and sniffs the air. He smirks:

BEN LADEN: Quickly, boy... they're on the move. This droid seems pretty dull... I'm starting to remember why I prefered wives - beyond the obvious, that is.

----------

The small, spartan cave is cluttered with desert junk but still manages to radiate an air of time-worn comfort and security. Qusai is in one corner repairing FU-2's arm, as old Ben sits thinking.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter.

BEN LADEN: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. Thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You fought in the Clone Wars?

BEN LADEN: Yes, I was once a Jyhad Knight the same as your father. We used to get drunk and hijack space transports.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I wish I'd known him.

BEN LADEN: He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior. I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was a good friend. Which reminds me...

He gets up and goes to a chest where he rummages around. As Qusai finishes repairing FU-2 and starts to fit the restraining bolt back on, FU-2 looks at him nervously. Qusai thinks about the bolt for a moment then puts it on the table. Ben shuffles up and presents Qusai with a short handle with several electronic gadgets attached to it.

BEN LADEN: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Osama Bin-One on some damned-fool idealistic crusade like your father did.

FU-2: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for awhile.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Sure, go ahead. What is this, Ben?

BEN LADEN: Your fathers nukesaber. This is the weapon of a Jyhad Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster, although your uncle would probably call it dangerous.

As Qusai pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet and flickers there. The light is so bright that it burns deep black silhouttes into the walls.

BEN LADEN: An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. For over a thousand generations the Jyhad Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the Empire, bought everything up and started making rules for everyone and exempting themselves.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: How did my father die?

BEN LADEN: A young Jyhad named Darth Cheney, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jyhad Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jyhad are all but extinct. Cheney was seduced by the dark side of the Way.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: The Way?

BEN LADEN: Well, the Way of Mega-Destiny is what gives the Jyhad his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. Its use is banned by the Empire, even though its rulers themselves posess and use the power... or the dark side of it anyway. [To MP-3] Now, let's see if we can't figure out what you are going on about, my little friend. And where you come from.

MP-3: #MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY by Alias#

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I saw part of the message he was...

He is cut short as the recorded image of the young Rebel ambassador, face still obscured by the white hooded robes, is projected from MP-3's face.

BEN LADEN: I seem to have found it. I've always had a knack with video...

HOLO OF ALI: General Osama, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars, when the Empire tried to enforce the ban on CD duplication. Now he begs you to help him in his continued struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Afghaneraan has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this MP unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Afghaneraan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Osama-Bin One, you're my only hope.

There is a little static and the transmission is cut short. Old Ben leans back and scratches his head. He silently puffs on a tarnished chrome water pipe. Qusai has stars in his eyes.

BEN LADEN: You must learn the Way of the Jyhad Knight if you're to come with me to Afghaneraan.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [laughing] Afghaneraan? I'm not going to Afghaneraan. I've got to go home. It's late, I'm in for it as it is.

BEN LADEN: I need your help, Qusai. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. The Rebellion needs your help.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I can't get involved! I've got work to do! It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do about it right now. It's such a long way from here, and as long as they control the Old Republic's oil, they don't care about us.

BEN LADEN: That's your uncle talking.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [sighing]Oh, God, my uncle. How am I ever going to explain this?

BEN LADEN: Learn about the Way, Qusai. The Way of Mega-Destiny! Then you can use it to confuse him, and he won't remember what you've done wrong.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Look, I can take you as far as Umm Qasr. You can get a transport there to Mosul Eisley spaceport, or wherever you're going.

BEN LADEN: You must do what you feel is right, of course. If you want to be a little wuss forever...

No flash

-
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SPACE: MOAB STAR
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-

An Imperial Carrier heads toward the evil planet-like battle station, the multiple kilometre long warship looking minuscule in comparison to the MOAB Star!

In the Conference room of the technically-legal secret weapon, eight Imperial senators and generals sit around a black conference table. Imperial stormtroopers stand guard around the room. General Frankke, a middle-aged, manly-looking officer, is speaking.

GENERAL FRANKKE: Until this battle station is fully operational we are vulnerable. The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize.

ADMIRAL POWERS: [Over-enthusiastic] Dangerous to YOUR starfleet, Commander; not to this battle station!

GENERAL FRANKKE: I realize that since it wipes out planets without harming the environment, this weapon is technically legal under Imperial law, but the Rebellion will continue to gain support in the United Nations as long as....

Suddenly all heads turn as General Frankke's speech is cut short and the Grand Moff Tarfeld, governor of the Imperial outland regions, enters. Everyone seems to fear and respect him, probably because he looks a lot like Magneto. He is followed by his powerful ally, The Sith Lord, Darth Cheney. All of the generals stand and bow before the thin, evil-looking governor as he takes his place at the head of the table. The Dark Lord stands ominously behind him.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: The United Nations will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Bigtime!

GENERAL FRANKKE: That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the illusion of backing international law?

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: The regional dictators now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station.

GENERAL FRANKKE: And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have pirated a complete technical readout of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it. Don't forget that Sienar Fleet Systems fiasco... hackers moved over a decimal place, and 2 million TIE fighters came off the assembly lines with only one wing.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.

ADMIRAL POWERS: [Positively perky] Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a USELESS gesture, no matter what technical data they've downloaded. With our technological edge, and the untold trillions of dollars invested in our defense industry, this station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it, baby, yeah!

DARTH CHENEY: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. [BEEP] The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant [BEEP] next to the power of the Way.

ADMIRAL POWERS: Don't try to frighten us with your evil mojo, Lord Cheney. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data CD, nor given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort...

The Dark Lord raises his hand, with the unsteady steady beeping of his pacemaker armor. Suddenly Powers chokes and starts to turn blue under Cheney's telekinetic grasp.

DARTH CHENEY: I find your lack of faith disturbing. [BEEP BEEP]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Enough of this! Cheney, release him!

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] As you wish. [BEEP BEEP][To Powers]. Wad.

ADMIRAL POWERS: [Still ghasping] Tool! [Cough, cough]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Stop it! This bickering is pointless. Lord Cheney will provide us with the location of the Rebel fortress by the time this station is operational. We will then crush the Rebellion with one swift stroke.

-
----------
TIKRITOOINE: MORE DESERT
----------
-

Elsewhere in the seemingless endless expanse of desert, the speeder stops before a huge Nerdwa RV, tipped over on its side. Qusai and Ben walk among the smoldering rubble and scattered bodies.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It looks like trailer-trash did this, all right. Look, here are lots of "Second-Amenders", bantha tracks, and beer bottles. It's just... I never heard of them getting drunk enough to hit anything this big before. When they get that much alcohol in them, sure they get pretty rowdy, but usually they fall asleep before they get organised.

The old man is crouching in the sand studying the tracks.

BEN LADEN: They didn't. But we are meant to think they did. Heston Raiders spend a lot of time practicing their shooting... blasting cans off fences and such. But this crawler hasn't been hit by a single shot - it looks more like the driver panicked and crashed it by oversteering.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hey, these are the same Nerdwas that sold us MP-3 and FU-2.

BEN LADEN: And these blast points, in the sand all around. Not accurate enough for trailer-trash. In fact it looks like these Nerdwas weren't hit either... they were all clubbed to death with gun-butts. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so "precise".

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hehe, yeah. But why would Imperial troops want to slaughter Nerdwas? All they do is play video games and argue about Star Trek all day. Sure its annoying, but...

He looks back at the speeder where MP-3 and FU-2 are inspecting the dead Nerdwas, and put two and two together.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: If they traced the robots here, they may have learned who they sold them to. And that would lead them back home!

Reaching this sudden horrible realization, Qusai races for the speeder and jumps in.

BEN LADEN: Wait, Qusai! It's too dangerous.

The impulsive Qusai races off leaving Ben and the two robots alone with the overturned RV. Qusai motos across the wasteland as fast as his battered Landspeeder can manage. After what seems like an interminably long ride to him, the speeder roars up to the homestead. Qusai jumps out and runs to the smoking holes that were once his home. Debris is scattered everywhere and it looks as if a great battle has taken place.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Uncle! Aunt! UUUNCLE!

Qusai stumbles around in a daze looking for his aunt and uncle. Suddenly he comes upon their smoldering remains. An Imperial TIE fighter has crashed down here, explaining the damage. Numerous Stormtrooper bodies are also lying around, apparently victims of friendly fire, judging by the blast wounds. Qusai is stunned, and cannot speak. Hate replaces fear and a new resolve comes over him.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: DETENTION CORRIDOR
----------
-

Two stormtroopers open an electronic cell door and allow several Imperial guards to enter. Ambassador Ali trembles in the corner as a giant black torture robot enters, followed by giant black form of Darth Cheney.

DARTH CHENEY: And, now [BEEP BEEP] Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base. [BEEP BEEP]

PRINCE ALI: Hey, watch it! I have sensitive skin. YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!

-
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TIKRITOOINE: ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE DESERT!
----------
-

There is a large bonfire of Nerdwa bodies blazing in front of the sandcrawler as Ben and the robots finish burning the dead. Qusai drives up in the speeder and Ben walks over to him.

BEN LADEN: There's nothing you could have done, Qusai, had you been there. You'd have been killed, too, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I want to come with you to Afghaneraan. There's nothing here for me now. I want to learn the Way of Mega-Destiny and become a Jyhad Knight like my father.

----------

The Landspeeder with Qusai, MP-3, FU-2, and Ben in it zooms across the desert. The speeder stops on a bluff overlooking the spaceport at Mosul Eisley. It is a haphazard array of low, gray, concrete structures and semi-domes. A harsh gale blows across the stark canyon floor. Qusai adjusts his goggles and walks to the edge of the craggy bluff where Ben is standing.

BEN LADEN: Mosul Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You made us drive all the way up this dead-end cliff just so you could say that?

BEN LADEN: I've been hiding in a cave for years with virtually no human contact, okay? My people skills are a little rusty. Do people still say "rad"?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hellllllls no old man. Jeez.

----------

The speeder is stopped on a crowded street by several combat-hardened Stormtroopers who look over the two robots. A Trooper questions Qusai.

STORMTROOPER 42: How long have you had these droids?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: About three or four seasons.

BEN LADEN: Is it true that kids don't say "rad" anymore? I used to like saying Rad...

STORMTROOPER 42: Let me see your identification.

Aghast at Ben's inane attempts to converse with the guards, Qusai becomes very nervous as he fumbles to find his ID while Ben speaks to the Trooper in a very controlled voice.

BEN LADEN: You don't need to see his identification.

STORMTROOPER 42: We don't need to see his identification.

BEN LADEN: These are not the droids you're looking for. And we aren't carrying a truckload of illegally copied CDs either.

Staring in horror, Qusai's mouth drops open as the Stormtrooper not only repeats back what Ben told him, but appears not to notice Ben's snide incriminating remarks.

STORMTROOPER 42: These are not the droids we're looking for.

BEN LADEN: He can go about his business, while you go back to shooting your friends by accident.

STORMTROOPER 42: You can go about your business.

BEN LADEN: [Winking at Qusai] Move along. We'll tell yo mamma you said hi.

STORMTROOPER 42: [Waving them through] Move along, move along...

The speeder pulls up in front of a rundown blockhouse cantina on the outskirts of the spaceport. Various strange forms of transport, including several unusual beasts of burden, are parked outside the bar. A Nerdwa runs up and begins to fondle the speeder.

NERDWA 3: Mmmmm, chrome. This speeder is a classic... with the art deco styling and the green levitation glow. Not like the "Special Edition" version they sell now... just looking at it makes me drool...

FU-2: I can't abide these Nerdwas. Disgusting creatures.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Shoo! Go bother those Stormtroopers. I hear they have the limited edition "Wanted Rebel" bicycle cards.

NERDWA 3: Oh man. If I could get a set of those, that would be sweeter than scoring a William Shatner toupee on E-bay, E-bay!

The scrawny collectible-oriented creature runs off in the direction of the guard checkpoint. Qusai turns to Ben with a baffled look.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I can't understand how we got by those troopers. I thought we were dead!

BEN LADEN: The Way of Mega-Destiny can have a strong influence on the weak-minded - sort of like celebrity endorsements. That is why the Empire tries to restrict it, and why Darth Cheney hunted down most of the Jyhad Knights.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Do you really think we're going to find a pilot here that'll take us to Afghaneraan?

BEN LADEN: Well, most of the best freighter pilots can be found here. Only watch your step. This place can be a little rough.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I'm ready for anything. As long as it isn't a gay bar...

FU-2: Don't worry Master, with alien species you wouldn't know the difference. MP-3 and I should probably stay outside.

The young Qusai follows Ben Laden into the smoke-filled cantina. The murky, moldy den is filled with a startling array of weird and exotic alien creatures and monsters at the long metallic bar. At first the sight is horrifying. One-eyed, thousand-eyed, slimy, furry, scaly, tentacled, and clawed creatures huddle over drinks. Ben moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group of repulsive but human scum, and starts talking to one of the Galactic pirates. Qusai notices several of the gruesome creatures along the bar are giving him a very unfriendly glare. He tries to ignore it and grabs a stool.

Ben is standing next to Jewbacca, an eight-foot-tall-savage-looking creature resembling a huge gray bushbaby monkey with fierce baboon-like fangs. His large blue eyes dominate a fur-covered, white bearded face and soften his otherwise awesome appearance. Over his matted, furry body he wears two chrome bandoliers, and little else. He is a two-hundred-year-old Wook-oy and a sight to behold, and despite his feral features, he still somehow manages to appear wise. Ben speaks to the Wook-oy, pointing to Qusai several times during his conversation and the huge creature suddenly lets out a horrifying laugh. Qusai is more than a little bit disconcerted and pretends not to hear the conversation between Ben and the giant Wook-oy.

Trying not to show his discomfort, Qusai quietly sips his drink, looking over the crowd for a more sympathetic ear or whatever. A large, multiple-eyed Creature gives him a rough shove.

UGLY THING: Elop ym ees annaw?!?

The hideous freak is obviously drunk. Qusai tries to ignore the creature and turns back on his drink. A short, grubby Human and an even smaller rodent-like beast join the belligerent monstrosity.

DOCTOR KEVORKAZAN: He doesn't like you.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I'm heartbroken.

DOCTOR KEVORKAZAN: I don't like you either.

The big creature is getting agitated and yells out some unintelligible gibberish at the now rather nervous, young adventurer.

DOCTOR KEVORKAZAN: [continuing] Don't insult us. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. Ironic that its illegal to help a man die, and then the penalty is death... That's why I have the death sentence in twelve systems.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I'll be careful than.

DOCTOR KEVORKAZAN: You'll be dead!

The rodent lets out a loud grunt and everything at the bar moves away. Qusai tries to remain cool but it isn't easy. His three adversaries ready their weapons. Old Ben moves in behind Qusai.

BEN LADEN: This little one isn't worth the effort. Come let me buy you something...

A powerful blow from the unpleasant creature sends the young would-be Jyhad sailing across the room, crashing through tables and breaking a large jug filled with a foul-looking liquid. With a blood-curdling shriek, the monster draws a wicked chrome laser pistol from his belt and levels it at old Ben. The bartender panics.

BARTENDER: No blasters! No blaster!

With astounding agility old Ben's nuke-sword sparks to life with a blindingly bright flash of light, and before most patrons can see past the glare, an arm lies on the floor. The rodent is cut in two and the giant multiple-eyed creature lies doubled, cut from chin to groin. Ben carefully and precisely turns off his laser sword and replaces it on his utility belt. Qusai, shaking and totally amazed at the old man's abilities, attempts to stand. The entire fight has lasted only a matter of seconds. The cantina goes back to normal, although Ben is given a respectable amount of room at the bar. Qusai, rubbing his bruised head, approaches the old man with new awe. Ben points the the Wook-oy.

BEN LADEN: This is Jewbacca. He's first-mate on a ship that might suit our needs.

Strange creatures with big heads play exotic big band music on odd-looking instruments as Qusai, still giddy, downs a fresh drink and follows Ben and Jewbacca to a booth where Udai Solo is sitting. Udai is a tough, roguish starpilot about thirty years old. A mercenary on a starship, he is simple, sentimental, and cocksure.

UDAI SOLO: Udai Solo. I'm captain of the Morpheus Falcon. Jewie here tells me you're looking for passage to the Afghaneraan system.

BEN LADEN: Yes, indeed. If it's a fast ship.

UDAI SOLO: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Morpheus Falcon?

BEN LADEN: Should I have?

UDAI SOLO: It's the ship that downloaded the Daredevil trailer in less than twelve seconds! Not the low-res version mind, the full-screen DVD quality one.

Ben reacts to Solo's stupid attempt to impress them with irrelevant information.

BEN LADEN: But does is FLY fast?

UDAI SOLO: I've outrun Imperial Carriers, Ebay's bill collecters and dozens of angry ex-girlfriends. She's fast enough for you, old man. What's the cargo?

BEN LADEN: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.

UDAI SOLO: What is it? Some kind of local trouble?

BEN LADEN: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entanglements.

UDAI SOLO: Well, that's the real trick, isn't it? And it's going to cost you something extra. Ten thousand - in advance. We don't accept Afghaneraan Express...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Ten thousand? We could almost buy our own ship for that!

UDAI SOLO: But who's going to fly it, kid! You?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You bet I could. I'm not such a bad pilot myself! We don't have to sit here and listen...

BEN LADEN: We haven't that much with us. But we could pay you two thousand now, plus fifteen when we reach Afghaneraan.

UDAI SOLO: Seventeen, huh! ...Okay. You guys got yourself a ship. We'll leave as soon as you're ready. Docking bay Ninety-four.

BEN LADEN: Ninety-four.

UDAI SOLO: Looks like somebody's beginning to take an interest in your handiwork.

Old Ben and Qusai turn around to see four Imperial Stormtroopers looking at the dead bodies and asking the bartenders some questions. The bartender points to the booth.

STORMTROOPER 37: All right, we'll check it out.

The Stormtroopers look over at the booth but Qusai and Ben are gone. The bartender shrugs his shoulders in puzzlement.

UDAI SOLO: Seventeen thousand! Those guys must really be desperate. This could really save my neck. Get back to the ship and get her ready.

JEWBACCA: [enthusiastic roar] Nec 'oniyah merea'

----------

Back out in the street, they meet up with the droids.

BEN LADEN: You'll have to sell your speeder.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: That's okay. I'm never coming back to this planet again. It should make some stupid Nerdwa very happy.

----------

As Udai is about to leave, Greed0, a slimy green-faced alien with a short trunk-nose, pokes a gun in his side. Like most bounty hunters, the creature speaks in a twisted l33t-speak, though here it is translated into English.

GREED0: Oota guta Udai?
[Going somewhere, Udai?]

UDAI SOLO: Yes, Greed0. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Jabba that I've got his money.

He sits back down and the alien sits across from him holding the gun on him.

GREED0: 2 l8 t00l. j@bb@ gon r0Xx0r u! b1g$$$$ h@k u... FIRST!
[It's too late. You should have paid him when you had the chance. Jabba's put a price on your head so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first.]

UDAI SOLO: Yeah, but this time I got the money. So if you'd just let me go, I'll let him know what a good job you're doing...

GREED0: ur GP 0r ur HP!
[If you give it to me, I might forget I found you.]

UDAI SOLO: I don't have it WITH me. Tell Jabba...

GREED0: J@bb@ r@p3 u! u c|_3@r f1l3z u luzr
[Jabba's through with you. He has no time for smugglers who download everything but share no files in return. And to make it worse, you cleared your drive at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.]

UDAI SOLO: Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I wanted them to find all that junk on my drive? They'd think I was a giant pervert like your tubby-assed boss!

While speaking, Udai slowly reaches for his gun under the table.

GREED0: u s/\y 2 J@bb@. u luKee J@bb@ lewt 0|\|Ly ur 5h1p
[You can tell that to Jabba. He may only take your ship.]

UDAI SOLO: Over my dead body.

GREED0: GR33D0 = r0XX0r u!
[That's the idea. I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time.]

UDAI SOLO: Yes, I'll bet you have. Maybe in your next life you'll learn how to spell.

Suddenly the slimy alien disappears in a blinding flash of light. Udai pulls his smoking gun from beneath the table as the other patrons look on in bemused amazement. Udai gets up and starts out of the cantina, flipping the bartender some coins as he leaves.

UDAI SOLO: Sorry about the mess. Damn elite-speak munchkins.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: BIG-RED-BUTTON ROOM
----------
-

DARTH CHENEY: Ali's resistance to the mind probe is considerable. [BEEP BEEP] It will be some time before we can extract any useful information.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Odd, the Ambassador seemed like a wuss to me...

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Exactly. The slightest hint of torture sets off an almost catatonic wailing... [BEEP BEEP] Any responses are rendered completely incomprehensible.

An Imperial Officer interrupts the meeting.

IMPERIAL OFFICER: The final check-out is complete. All systems are operational. What course shall we set?

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Perhaps an alternative form of persuasion is in order... something less physical.

DARTH CHENEY: What do you mean? [BEEP]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station. [To Helmsman] Set your course for the Ambassador's home planet: Afghaneraan.

HELMSMAN: From what I've heard of that dump, they'll consider this urban renewal.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Leave the humor to the mains...

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Bigtime.

-
----------
TIKRITOOINE: MOSUL EISLEY SPACEPORT
----------
-

Standing in a sleazy used speeder lot, Ben and Qusai barter with a tall, grotesque, insect-like used speeder dealer. Strange exotic bodies and spindly-legged beasts pass by as the insect concludes the sale by giving Qusai some coins.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: He says it's the best he can do. Since XP came out, there just isn't much demand for these old '98s. And its more than those worthless Nerdwas could offer... they make it out to be the best thing since TIVO, then all they have to trade for it are comic books!

BEN LADEN: Nerdwas have little understanding of the real world. In any case, we got enough to take us to Afghaneraan.

Leaving the speeder lot, Ben and Qusai walk down the dusty alleyway past a small robot herding a bunch of anteater-like creatures. Qusai turns and gives one last forlorn look at his faithful speeder as he rounds a corner. A darkly clad creature moves out of the shadows as they pass and watches them as they disappear down another alley.

BEN LADEN: If the ship's as fast as he's boasting, we ought to do well.

----------

Jabba the Gates and a half-dozen grisly alien pirates and purple creatures stand in the middle of the Docking Bay 94. Jabba is the grossest of the slavering hulks: a fat, slug-like creature with large round eyes, huge thick glasses and a giant ugly mouth. He inches his way around the ship, looking up at it, and hollering in a more chatty dialect of elite-speak.

JABBA THE GATES: Hey Ud! Cum 2 channel "gates", lagger!
[Come on out, Solo!]

A voice from directly behind the pirates startles them and they turn around to see Udai Solo and the giant Wook-oy, Jewbacca, standing behind them with no weapons in sight.

UDAI SOLO: I've been waiting for you, Jabba.

JABBA THE GATES: tot so
[I expected you would be.]

UDAI SOLO: I'm not the type to run.

JABBA THE GATES: [Fatherly-Smooth] y u suk 2day boy? gimme my $! &y u pk Greed0?
[Udai, my boy, there are times when you disappoint me... why haven't you paid me? And why did you have to fry poor Greed0 like that... after all we've been through together.]

UDAI SOLO: You sent Greed0 to blast me.

JABBA THE GATES: [Dismissive] /me uber rich, wuz afk...
[I'm a businessman worth billions, I can't be expected to remember all my wheelings and deelings...]

UDAI SOLO: Well next time you want to talk with me, don't send one of those scrubs. If you've got something to say to me, come see me yourself, or send me a holo.

JABBA THE GATES: Ud, Ud. y u del /my lewt? /me know u l33t, so /me group w/u, even tho u dl /all but share nada. But 0 xeptionz for bizness. wtf am I if /all_guild drop when dey c nme ship?

[Udai, Udai. If only you hadn't had to dump all that data... I know you're the best smuggler around... that's why I give you so much leeway, even though you download hundreds of files from my network while uploading nothing in return. It's called file "sharing", not file "freeloading"... BUT, I let you get away with it. [Adjusts his glasses] However, when it comes to business, I can't make exeptions. Where would I be if every pilot who smuggled for me dumped their shipment at the first sign of an Imperial starship?]

UDAI SOLO: You know, even I get boarded sometimes, Jabba. I had no choice, but I've got an easy charter now and I can pay you back, plus a little extra. I just need some more time.

JABBA THE GATES: [To his goons] w8 boyz. u pay xtra 20%, /me chillz.
[Stand down boys. Udai, my boy, I'm only doing this because you're the best and I need you. So, for an extra, say... twenty percent I'll give you a little more time...]

UDAI SOLO: Woah, fifteen percent. Don't push it...

JABBA THE GATES: k, but u snafu /me put UBER pk on u.
[Alright, but this is it. If you disappoint me again, I'll put a price on your head so large you won't be able to go near a civilized system for the rest of your short life.]

UDAI SOLO: Jabba, as always, it's a pleasure doing business with you.

JEWBACCA: [Hearty, almost laughing] 'Attah DARAK yaldah! Nashaq zow bariy' chamowrrrrrr-rr-rr!

The bloated billionnaire mafioso and his goons ignore the growl-like Wook-oy language, as do most people who don't know it, and they clear out, though masked bounty hunter Boba Jobs casts a long assessing glance at Udai as he leaves. As soon as they're all gone, Udai gives his buddy a rough shove, although it barely budges Jewie.

UDAI SOLO: You dumbass! We're lucky those jerks don't speak Woobrew! Are you trying to get us killed?

JEWBACCA: Bal, zow yesh 'attah 'abad.

UDAI SOLO: Besides, its not ass-kissing, its just how you have to talk to big-business, big-ego, big-asses like him.

----------

The imposing figure of Jewbacca waits restlessly at the entrance to Docking Bay 94. Ben, Qusai, and the robots make their way up the street. Jewbacca jabbers excitedly and signals for them to hurry. The darkly clad creature has followed them from the speeder lot. He stops in a nearby doorway and speaks into a small transmitter.

The group follows Jewbacca into a giant dirt pit that is Docking Bay 94. Resting in the middle of the huge hole is a large, round, beat-up, pieced-together hunk of junk that could only loosely be called a starship.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What a piece of junk.

The tall figure of Udai Solo comes down the boarding ramp.

UDAI SOLO: She'll make point five beyond the warp speed. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've added some special modifications myself.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Like what? The aluminun siding holding together your hyperdrive?

Jewbacca rushes up the ramp and urges the others to follow.

UDAI SOLO: We're a little rushed, so if you'll hurry aboard we'll get out of here.

They rush up the gang plank, passing a grinning Udai Solo. Inside, Jewbacca settles into the pilot's chair and starts the mighty engines of the starship. Qusai, Ben, FU-2, and MP-3 pass Solo heading into the narrow hallways of the Morpheus Falcon.

FU-2: Hello, sir. I am FU-2, human-cyborg rela...

UDAI SOLO: Hurry up you walking metal mouth.

SERGEANT 37: Which way?

The darkly clad creature points to the door of the docking bay.

SERGEANT 37: All right, men, remember: don't fire until the trooper ahead of you is out of the way!

The troops hold their guns at the ready and charge down the docking bay entrance.

SERGEANT 37: Stop that ship! Blast 'em!

As Udai Solo looks up and sees the Imperial Stormtroopers rushing into the docking bay, several of the troopers fire. One of the ones in the front is felled by the man behind him, while dozens of shots hit the ground and the walls of the docking bay.

STORMTROOPER 174: Oops! Sorry Sarge!

Several shots actually hit the ship, since hand-held rifles can't really damage starship plating, and since the shots were aimed at Udai rather than the ship itself. As he ducks into the spaceship, Udai draws his blaster pistol and pops off a couple of shots around the corner as the ramp rises behind. The Stormtroopers are forced to dive for safety. The pirateship engines whine as the entry ramp finally seals.

UDAI SOLO: Jewie, get us out of here!

The passengers strap in for take off.

FU-2: Oh, my. I'd forgotten how much I hate space travel.

The half-dozen Stormtroopers are knocked sprawling by the shockwave as the ship's drive kicks in, and the Morpheus Falcon rises in a steep arc towards space, quickly disappearing into the morning sky.

Captain Udai climbs into the pilot's chair next to Jewbacca, who chatters away as he points to something on the radar scope.

JEWBACCA: C@phiynah 'oniy!

Frantically, Udai types information into the ship's computer. Little MP-3 appears momentarily at the cockpit doorway, makes a few beeping remarks, then scurries away.

MP-3: #YOU GOT ANOTHER THING COMING by Judas Priest#

UDAI SOLO: Yeah, it looks like an Imperial Carrier. Our passengers must be hotter than Twilek strippers. Try and hold them off. Angle the deflector shield while I make the calculations for the jump to hyperspeed.

The Morpheus Falcon races away from the yellow planet. It is followed by two huge Imperial Carriers. Over the shoulders of Jewbacca and Udai, Qusai and Ben can see the galaxy spread before them in the panoramic cocpit windows. Qusai and Ben make their way into the cramped cockpit where Udai continues his calculation.

UDAI SOLO: Stay sharp! There are two more coming in; they're going to try to cut us off.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast.

UDAI SOLO: Watch your mouth, kid, or you're going to find yourself floating home. We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. In the meantime, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose them!

A huge missile streaks by a few meters away at high speed.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Good thing they don't aim any better than Stormtroopers...

UDAI SOLO: Actually, kid, that was just a tracer round. They're just getting their aim. The difference between these cruisers and the "white weenies" is an Imperial Carrier carries enough ordinance paint the spacelanes... some of it has to hit. Yep, here's where the fun begins!

Soon Qusai began to see what he meant as the real barrage started. A stream of missiles - a stream as wide around as their ship - began shooting past them. At first the missiles were flying harmlessly into the vastness of space, but the giant warship began sweeping the stream towards the small smuggling vessel like a giant laser-pointer trying to hit a fly.

JEWBACCA: [Urgent] 'Ow NUWTH 'ow muwth!

UDAI SOLO: I'm on it!

The dashing smuggler pulls the Falcon into a tight barrel roll around the wave of missiles, then rocks the ship sideways (relative to the attacker) and begins sweeping to the Carrier's left as the barrage lags behind trying to follow the erratic maneuvers of their target. Inside, the passengers are jerked around and thrown from side to side, but nowhere near as much as the rapid ship movements would suggest, thanks to inertial dampers.

BEN LADEN: How long before you can make the jump to light speed?

UDAI SOLO: It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navi-computer.

The ship begins to rock violently as Udai's concentration lapses and several missiles glance off it. He jerks back on the controls and puts some more distance between them and the missile stream.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Are you kidding? At the rate they're gaining... how many tons of explosives are they going to throw at us???

UDAI SOLO: As much as it takes to wipe us out! Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy! Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova and that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it? The real question is how much are you fugitives worth to attract this kind of heat?

BEN LADEN: Oh, I don't know. I used to be worth about 25 million, but that was almost twenty years ago... plus inflation... then there's this new debacle... Of course, you're aiding and abetting us now, so there's no way for you to collect. Not that you'd ever think of stooping so low.

UDAI SOLO: [Very un-enthusiastic] Never... [Under his breath] you cunning old bastard...

The ship is now constantly battered with missiles, as the stream has apparently found its mark and Udai can do no more than keep them at the edge so the don't feel the full brunt of it. A red warning light begins to flash.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What's that flashing?

UDAI SOLO: We're losing our deflector shield. Go strap yourself in, I'm going to make the jump to hyperspace.

The galaxy brightens and they move faster, almost as if crashing a barrier. Stars become streaks as the smuggler's ship makes the jump to hyperspace.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: BIG-RED-BUTTON ROOM
----------
-

The small green planet of Afghaneraan looms large in the viewscreen of the MOAB STAR's main command center. Admiral Powers enters the quiet control room and bows before Governor Tarfeld, who stands before the huge wall screen.

ADMIRAL POWERS: We've entered the Afghaneraan system.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Ooh, brilliant deduction. Don't fail to inform me next time you come up with a memo of such importance...

Darth Cheney and two Stormtroopers enter with Ambassador Ali, who cowers with bound hands.

AMBASSADOR ALI: Governor Tarfeld, I should have expected to find you holding Cheney's leash. Can you tell him to sit or something? Cause he's really kindof uptight, and he threatens me a lot, and it makes me sort of uncomfortable...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Charming to the last. You realize of course that I'm not here to rescue you but in fact to oversee our "investigation" into rebel activity. And by investigation, I mean extermination and disection. You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life!

AMBASSADOR ALI: Well if it makes you uncomfortable you could just rescind it, I mean you are in charge...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Ali, as heir to the thrown of Afghaneraan, before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now.

PRINCE ALI: [Summoning up the courage] Th-th-the more you tighten your grip, Tarfeld, the more star systems will slip through your fingers. Like so many well-oiled ball bearings... And your hair is oily! And...[Trailing off as the speech loses all of its dramatic impact]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: [Condescending] You are wrong.

PRINCE ALI: What? About your hair?

DARTH CHENEY: Heh. [BEEP BEEP] You are very humourous for someone whose life is forfeit.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Nothing will dare challenge our "grip" after we demonstrate the power of this station. In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power... on your home planet of Afghaneraan.

PRINCE ALI: Are y-you sure that's ne-necessary? Afghaneraan is already a bit of a dump... We have no weapons, no Starbucks, and the local content rules mean our cable TV really blows...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the system!

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: [After a menacing pause] I grow tired of asking this. So it will be the last time. Where is the Rebel base?

INTERCOM: FINAL APPROACH TO AFGHANERAAN. WE ARE WITHIN FIRING RANGE NOW.

AMBASSADOR ALI: Umm... a military target... uh, how about the dockyards at Sienar Fleet Systems. That place is as military as they come... they make thousands of TIE fighters a day! I mean, that's like space-fighter central. Hoo-boy what a target that would be...

DARTH CHENEY: You see Tarfeld, [BEEP BEEP] it is a waste of time.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Are you kidding? This Ambassador is a waste of protein... [To Powers] Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.

AMBASSADOR ALI: But... but my family!

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Yes, your family. Think of this as improving the local gene pool. Once you are executed, the galaxy will be rid of at least one threat to its continued existance. I realize that saving the galaxy is against policy, but I'll consider it my good deed for the decade.

AMBASSADOR ALI: You can't do this! How can you go through with it?

DARTH CHENEY: For your information, this weapon, [BEEP BEEP] is technically legal, because the treaties on Weapons of Mass Destruction don't include lasers. [BEEP BEEP]

ADMIRAL POWERS: Commence primary ignition, baby!

The exuberent Admiral punches the Big-Red-Button, which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded Imperial gunner reaches overhead and pulls a lever, then another. Another gunner reaches for still another lever and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up. The no-smoking sign in the command room lights up.

A huge beam of light emanates from within a cone-shaped area and converges into a single laser beam out toward Afghaneraan. The beam impacts with the planet creating a growing charred black crater, but the surface of the small green planet begins bubbling up at points all around the globe. Almost instantly, the entire surface of Aghaneraan is boiling, then with shocking finality the orb explodes into flame and molten rock, flaring into the surrounding space and cooling rapidly into asteroids.

ADMIRAL POWERS: That's the Mother of all Beams! Does it make you horny?

Grand Moff Tarfeld looks condescendingly at him for spoiling his dramatic moment, but before he can come up with an impressive line to rescue the feeling of terror and drama, Darth Cheney expresses his uncharacteristically good mood:

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] My favorite part was when the planet exploded.[BEEP]

-
----------
HYPERSPACE: MORPHEUS FALCON
----------
-

Ben watches Qusai practice the nukesaber with a small "seeker" robot. Ben suddenly turns away and sits down. He falters, seems almost faint.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Are you all right? What's wrong?

BEN LADEN: I felt a great disturbance in the Way... as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and then bought it. Unless it was just Jewbacca's cooking coming back up. Either way, I fear something terrible has happened.

The old man rubs his forehead, looking suddenly much older. He seems to drift into a trance. Then he fixes his gaze on Qusai, just as Udai Solo enters the room.

BEN LADEN: You'd better get on with your exercises.

UDAI SOLO: Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperial slugs. I told you I'd outrun 'em.

Nobody appears to be listening though, as Ben looks ill and Qusai is once again practicing with the nukesaber.

UDAI SOLO: Don't everyone thank me at once. Anyway, we should be at Afghaneraan about oh-two-hundred hours.

FU-2 watches Jewbacca and MP-3 who are engrossed in a game in which three-dimensional holographic figures move along a chess-type board.

Jewbacca and the two droids sit around the lighted table covered with small holographic monsters. Each side of the table has a small computer monitor embedded in it. Jewbacca seems very pleased with himself as he rests his lanky fur-covered arms over his head.

FU-2: Now be careful, MP-3.

MP-3: #PLAYING WITH KNIVES by Bizarre Inc#

Reaching up with a flimsy-looking claw exenting out of one of his miriad compartments, MP-3 taps the computer, causing one of the holographic creatures to walk to the new square. A sudden frown crosses Jewbacca's face and he begins yelling gibberish at the tiny robot.

JEWBACCA: 'Attah shaqaR pashat Chotsen!

Interceding on behalf of his small companion, FU-2 begins to argue with the huge Wook-oy.

FU-2: His Death Knight crushed your Farseer fair and square. Screaming about it won't help you.

UDAI SOLO: [Interrupting] Let him have it. It's not wise to upset a Wook-oy.

FU-2: No offense, sir, but nobody worries about upsetting a droid.

UDAI SOLO: That's 'cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their socket when they lose. Wook-oys are known to do that.

FU-2: [Under his breath] No matter how much we want to... [To Udai] I see your point, sir. [Turns back to the game] I suggest a new strategy, MP-3. Let the Wook-oy win.

The smaller, armless droid takes this under consideration, but retorts:

MP-3: #WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN by Creed#

Qusai stands in the middle of the small hold area; he seems frozen in place. A humming nukesaber is held high over his head. Ben watches him from the corner, studying his movements. Udai observes this with a bit of smugness, although he has to shield his eyes against the solar brightness of the sword.

BEN LADEN: Remember, a Jyhad Knight can feel the Way flowing through him.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You mean it controls your actions?

BEN LADEN: Partially. But it also obeys your commands. Its like free download utilities... they download needed upgrades off the net, but when they ask if you want to upgrade to the paid version you have to click "LATER" every STINKIN' time even though by later you mean NEVER FROM NOW TO THE TIME THE UNIVERSE COLLAPSES WILL YOU RECIEVE COMPENSATION FOR PROVIDING A HELPFUL SERVICE!... Sorry, Quicktime Player really ticks me off, and that disturbance in the Way has kindof thrown off my cool mentor attitude.

Suspended at eye level, about ten feet in front of Qusai, a "seeker", a chrome baseball-like robot covered with antennae, hovers slowly in a wide arc. The ball floats to one side of the youth then to the other. Suddenly it makes a lightning-swift lunge and stops within a few feet of Qusai's face. He doesn't move and the ball backs off. It slowly moves behind the boy, then makes another quick lunge, this time emitting a blood red laser beam as it attacks. It hits Qusai in the leg causing him to tumble over. Udai lets loose with a burst of laughter.

UDAI SOLO: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You don't believe in the Way, do you?

UDAI SOLO: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny.

The old sage, having regained his composure after that brief Quicktime inspired outburst, smiles quietly.

UDAI SOLO: It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.

BEN LADEN: I suggest you try it again, Qusai. [Ben places a large helmet on Qusai's head which covers his eyes.] This time, let go your conscious self and act on instinct.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Laughing] With the blast shield down, I can't even see. How am I supposed to fight?

BEN LADEN: Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them.

UDAI SOLO: Yeah, you're a teenager from the Tikritooine. You should act your age and think with your twin-suns.

BEN LADEN: Just ignore him. Now, stretch out with your feelings...

Ben throws the seeker into the air. The ball shoots straight up in the air, then drops like a rock. Qusai swings the nuke-saber around blindly missing the seeker, which fires off a laserbolt which hits him square on the seat of the pants. He lets out a painful yell and attempts to hit the seeker. Udai just smirks.

BEN LADEN: Now imagine yourself hitting laughing-boy captain here...

With an expression of intense concentration, Qusai stands in one place, seemingly frozen. The seeker makes a dive at Qusai and, incredibly, he managed to deflect the bolt. The ball jolts over to the right and up and fires again, but with a sweep of his energy blade he stops that one too, then he lashes out quickly and actually hits the training seeker, launching it across the room to where it beans Udai right in the head before falling to the ground, half of it melted into slag.

UDAI SOLO: [Rubbing his forehead] OW! Goddamn son of a bitch...

BEN LADEN: You see, you can do it.

UDAI SOLO: I call it luck. A one in a million chance.

BEN LADEN: In my experience, there's no such thing as luck. Would you like him to try it again?

UDAI SOLO: No thanks, I've got work to do.

It isn't only an excuse, because Solo has noticed a small light flashing on the far side of the control panel.

UDAI SOLO: Looks like we're coming up on Afghaneraan.

He and Jewbacca head back to the cockpit.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You know, I really did feel something. I could almost see the Udai's smug face, and when I struck there, that was right where the seeker was.

BEN LADEN: That's good. You have taken your first step into a larger world.

No flash

-
----------
MOAB STAR: CAFETERIA
----------
-

The prim figure of Grand Moff Tarfeld, Imperial Governor of the Outer territories and most feared despot of the sector, darkens the doorway of the cafeteria. He glowers at the scene in distaste. Unfortunately, Admiral Powers is the first to notice. The Admiral is seated at his habitual table, surrounded by his habitual entourage of fawning female interns.

ADMIRAL POWERS: Heya bossman, how's it hangin'? Not everyday you pay us a visit down here...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: The executive lunchroom is being renovated. Had I been notified, I would have rescheduled the maintenance so that it would not interfere with my personal schedule.

The tyrant locates an empty table and sits down. All the surrounding tables immediately vacate without a word, but Admiral Powers, seemingly oblivious to the man's fearsome aura, sits down next to him. Even Powers' women are smart enough to stay well back from the frowning dictator.

ADMIRAL POWERS: I heard that your lunchroom was being refitted because of a radiation leak during the big test run on Afghaneraan. Hey, there's Darth. DARTH! [He waves energetically] Over here!

Seeing Tarfeld, the mystical overlord approaches with meal tray in hand, and sits down at the same table, though he glares menacingly at Powers.

DARTH CHENEY: My name is not "Darth". [BEEP BEEP] That is my title as a Sith Lord. You may address me simply as [BEEP] "Lord Cheney". [Turning to Tarfeld] It is fortunate that we were upstairs with the Ambassador when we destroyed the planet, since we were scheduled to be in the dining room at that hour. [BEEP] Were I a suspicious man, I would suggest foul play on the part of whoever scheduled that appointment.

The Dark Lord glances back at the ever oblivious Powers.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Yes, I have commanded an inquiry, although if that were the case the would-be conspirator would have to have been a fool to think that I would be anywhere other than the B.R.B. Command Center during the inaugural MOAB cannon firing.

Governor Tarfeld also casts a suspicious glance in Powers' direction, but then begins to look around.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Where are the blasted waiters?

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] Unlike the executive hall, there are no waiters here. [BEEP BEEP] This facility is crude, but the buffet is adequate. I took 3 portions of steak, and there was no one to stop me this time.[BEEP]

ADMIRAL POWERS: I like to eat down here, cause of all the lovely ladies. [Looking down at the mountain of meat on the Sith Lord's plate] Didn't the dietician forbid red meat because of your, you know, condition?

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: You don't eat here because you prefer it, Admiral, you eat here because you were banned from the executive dining hall...

While Tarfeld eyes the obnoxious Admiral with clear disdain, the tall Sith Lord replies to the Admiral's second statement, blasting his nosy critique like the rumble of an approaching thunderstorm:

DARTH CHENEY: I was not encased in a monolithic powered armor life support suit to eat salad, [BEEP BEEP] nor was I augmented with a cybernetic pacemaker assist unit [BEEP] so that my heart could do all the work. I am not used to eating with you.

He turns to Tarfeld once again.

DARTH CHENEY: He is very [BEEP BEEP] annoying.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: That is why I had him assigned to the regular mess-hall rather than the executive one where we and the other Admirals eat. So you are saying I have to get up and serve myself?

ADMIRAL POWERS: Its not so bad. If you bus your own tray, you can actually hear the trash compactors crunching stuff two levels down.

The whirring, grinding noise of the food processor in Cheney's helmet slows to a stop, and he puts his now-empty plate back down on the tray, wiping the vents/food-inputs of his facemask on the end of his cape. He stands triumphantly.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] I shall go with you. I shall have my desert, and the food you refer to will soon be in your hands. [He wags a finger meaningfully, then clenches his hand into a fist] And we have Starbucks.[BEEP]

With a heartfelt, embarassed sigh, Tarfeld rises to accompany Darth Cheney back to the buffet. On the way, Cheney whispers to him, although between his accustomed hollering and his incessant pacemaker tone, the attention of the entire room was focused on their conversation anyway.

DARTH CHENEY: Should I execute him? [He cracks his black-gloved knuckles] I feel like I haven't choked anyone in almost an hour.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Tempting, but no. I checked, and the replacement lined up for him is that imbecile Ozzel. In fact, I had to pull some favours to prevent that mustached moron from getting this assignment in the first place. I'll spare him for now... consider it my good deed for the decade.

DARTH CHENEY: You said you used your good deed for the decade by wiping Ali's gene pool from the cosmos. [BEEP BEEP] Remember in the Big-Red-Button room?

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Ah yes...

DARTH CHENEY: Hehe. [BEEP] My favorite part was when the planet exploded.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Alright, then we'll call it your good deed for the decade.

DARTH CHENEY: 'fraid not. [BEEP] I used mine up maiming the Gungans.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: How could maiming aliens be construed as a good deed?

DARTH CHENEY: Because, [BEEP] I didn't kill them.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Touche. Very well then, we will call it HIS good deed for the decade.

DARTH CHENEY: That doesn't make much sense. [BEEP]

Behind the two despots, Powers' girls have crowded around him again already.

ADMIRAL POWERS: Any of you girls like to share my sausage? Rowrrr... hehe

The Sith Lord (with the bottom corner of his cape still stained red from steak sauce), and the Grand Moff have reached the counter, and Tarfeld fills his plate with veal parmesan and hot wings, while Darth Cheney orders a Swiss-MoChapachino Latte from the Starbucks.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: True, it doesn't make much sense to count not killing him as HIS good deed. Tell you what: if he complains, you can kill him.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] As you wish.

-
----------
HYPERSPACE: MORPHEUS FALCON
----------
-

The smuggler's ship is just coming out of hyperspace; a strange surreal light show surrounds the ship.

UDAI SOLO: Stand by, Jewie, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines.

Captain Solo pulls back on a control lever. Outside the cockpit window stars begin streaking past, seem to decrease in speed, then stop. Suddenly the starship begins to shudder and violently shake about. Asteroids begin to race toward them, battering the sides of the ship.

UDAI SOLO: What the...? Aw, we've come out of hyperspace into a meteor shower. Some kind of asteroid collision. It's not on any of the charts.

JEWBACCA: Keph ma'owz Challamiysh tsuwRRrrr...

The Wook-oy flips off several controls and seems very cool in the emergency. Qusai makes his way into the bouncing cockpit.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What's going on?

JEWBACCA: Keph ma'owz Challamiysh tsuwRRrrr...

UDAI SOLO: What Jewbacca said. Our position is correct, except... no, Afghaneraan!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What do you mean? Where is it?

UDAI SOLO: Thats what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been totally blown away. The planet has been replaced with a vacant parking spot.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What? How?

BEN LADEN: [Slinking up behind them ominously] Destroyed... by the Empire!

UDAI SOLO: The entire starfleet couldn't destroy the whole planet. It'd take a thousand ships a thousand years... Hell, if a thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters could produce the entire collected works of Star Trek, then I could whip out a better explanation of what happened to the planet with 3 monkeys, 5 minutes...

BEN LADEN: Your cynicism is noted. I can wait forty-eight seconds for you to see that I'm right.

A signal light starts flashing on the control panel and a muffled alarm starts humming.

UDAI SOLO: Whatever, old man. There's another ship coming in.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Maybe they know what happened.

BEN LADEN: It's an Imperial fighter.

UDAI SOLO: [Sarcastic] I hope you're not going to try to tell me THAT blew up Afghaneraan.

JEWBACCA: [Sarcastic] Pashach b@'ad sherets.

A few laser bolts streak by, some of them vaporizing small asteroids and rocking the ship with sprays of debris. A tiny Imperial TIE fighter races past the cockpit window.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It followed us!

UDAI SOLO: No you scrub, it's a short range fighter. There aren't any bases around here. Where did it come from?

JEWBACCA: ...rrrrachowq qen.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It sure is leaving in a big hurry. If they identify us, we're in big trouble.

UDAI SOLO: Not if I can help it. Jewie: jam it's transmissions.

BEN LADEN: It'd be as well to let it go... IF it's too far out of range...

UDAI SOLO: Not for long... lets see how an Imperial likes being outmassed and outgunned for once...

The tension mounts as the ship gains on the tiny fighter. In the distance, one of the stars becomes brighter until it is obvious that the TIE ship is heading for it. Ben stands behind Jewbacca.

UDAI SOLO: A fighter that size couldn't get this deep into space on its own. Where the hell'd it come from?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Then he must have gotten lost, been part of a Carrier Group or something...

UDAI SOLO: Well, he ain't going to be around long enough to tell anyone about us. We're gonna send him home vacuum packed.

The TIE fighter is losing ground to the larger pirateship as they race through space, skirting the edge of the ever expanding debris field that was once Afghaneraan. The distant star the TIE was heading for can now be distinguished as a small moon or planet.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Look at him. He's heading for that small moon.

UDAI SOLO: I think I can get him before he gets there... he's almost in range.

BEN LADEN: That's no moon. It's a space station.

UDAI SOLO: It's too big to be a space station.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I have a very bad feeling about this.

BEN LADEN: [Checks his watch] It will have been forty-eight seconds in 5...4...3...2...

UDAI SOLO: [As the giant sphere grows closer, and more sinister gray detail becomes evident...] Yeah, I think you're right. Don't look so damn smug old man! Full reverse, Jewie, lock in the auxiliary power...

The Falcon shudders and the TIE fighter accelerates away toward the gargantuan battle station.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Why are we still moving towards it?

JEWBACCA: Ma'ak! N@chach shalliyt!

UDAI SOLO: We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: But there's gotta be something you can do!

UDAI SOLO: There's nothin' I can do about it, kid. I'm in full power and its not enough. I'm going to have to shut down before it tears us apart. But they're not going to get me without a fight!

BEN LADEN: [Puts a hand on his shoulder] You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting. I, for example, spent the last 17 years in a cave...

----------

As the battered starship is towed closer to the awesome metal moon, the immense size of the massive battle station becomes staggering. Running along the equator of the gigantic sphere is a mile-high band of huge docking ports into which the helpless smuggling ship is dragged. After a long, fearful approach, the helpless Morpheus Falcon is pulled past a docking port control room and huge laser turret cannons.

INTERCOM: Clear Bay twenty-three-seven. We are opening the magnetic field. Repeat, Clear Bay twenty-three-seven.

The pirateship is pulled in through port doors of the MOAB Star, coming to rest in a huge hangar. The instant the field opens, one janitor who wasn't paying attention is sucked out into space along with his mop and bucket. His attempts to scream fail utterly in the vacuum. Nevertheless, as soon as the ship is past, the field is reactivated and thirty Stormtroopers stream in, forming up around the ship, and standing at attention in a central assembly area.

DECK OFFICER: Prepare for boarding. They may come out fighting.

A line of stormtroopers march toward the ship in readiness to board it, while other troopers stand with weapons ready to fire.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: CONFERENCE ROOM
----------
-

Tarfeld pushes a button and responds to the intercom buzz.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Yes?

INTERCOM: We've captured a freighter entering the remains of the Afghaneraan system. It's markings match those of a ship that blasted its way out of Mosul Eisley.

DARTH CHENEY: They must be trying to return the stolen files to that "princess" [BEEP BEEP] we locked up downstairs. Ali may yet be of some use to us.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: I don't follow... if we already have them, and their entire ship and cargo, then what possible need would we have for leverage in securing their aid? And how come the execution hasn't been carried out yet?

DARTH CHENEY: Well... er... [BEEP BEEP] ...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: What? Do you have a use for that simpering imbecile? A practical use? Then name the system... er, you know what I mean...

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] As a matter of fact, I've grown rather attached to torturing the Ambassador. The screaming... the utter agony at even the merest touch of a needle... our Stormtroopers and Officers never scream like that. [BEEP BEEP] It's kind of addictive...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: You could order the officers to scream.

DARTH CHENEY: It wouldn't be the same... [BEEP] Oh, don't look at me like that... [BEEP] Fine. I'll conduct the termination after my coffee break.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: DOCKING BAY 2037
----------
-

Lord Cheney and a commander approach the troops as an Officer and several heavily armed troops exit the spacecraft.

DECK OFFICER: There's no one on board, sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff. It must be a decoy, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned.

DARTH CHENEY: Did you find any droids or CDs? [BEEP BEEP]

DECK OFFICER: No, sir. Well, I mean, there were plenty of burned CDs but they were all just music files, cracked copies of Splinter Cell, and some kind of bizarre under-age slug porn...

DARTH CHENEY: So, they smuggled for Jabba the Gates. [BEEP]

DECK OFFICER: [Continuing] Most likely sir. Anyhow, none of the CDs we found met your description, and there were no droids. If there were any on board, they must also have jettisoned.

DARTH CHENEY: Well, send an inspecting crew on board. [BEEP] I want every part of this ship scanned.

DECK OFFICER: Yes, sir. Um, pardon my asking, but aren't you scheduled to execute a prisonner right about... ghhh... [Faintly] now...

DARTH CHENEY: [Gesturing distractedly with one hand] I'll get around to it, but right now I sense something... [BEEP BEEP] a presence I haven't felt since... [BEEP]

The tyrant turns quickly and exits the hangar as the cautiously enquiring officer falls to the ground dead, hands locked in place, still clutching his throat. The Officer's understudy steps up and assumes command, as required by standard procedures, implementing Cheney's last order.

NEW DECK OFFICER: Get me a scanning crew in here on the double. I want every part of this ship inspected!

----------

Inside the Morpheus Falcon, a Stormtrooper marches through the hallway heading for the exit. In a few moments all is quiet. The muffled sounds of a distant officer giving orders finally fade. Two floor panels suddenly pop up revealing Udai Solo and Qusai. Ben Laden sticks his head out of a third locker.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Boy, it's lucky you had these compartments.

UDAI SOLO: I use them for smuggling. Jabba's gonna be triple-pissed when he finds out that I lost *another* cargo, but if I hadn't moved out the CDs, there wouldn't have been room for us in here. This is ridiculous. Even if I could take off, I'd never get past the tractor beam.

BEN LADEN: Sabotage, terrorist attacks... Leave that to me!

UDAI SOLO: Damn fool. I knew that you were going to say that!

BEN LADEN: Who's the more foolish... the fool with 25 million dollars on his head, or the fool who follows him?

Udai shakes his head, muttering to himself. Jewbacca pokes his head out of the bin.

JEWBACCA: K@hal 'ayin yosher 'inyan...

----------

The inspectors carry a heavy box on board the ship, past the two Stormtroopers guarding either side of the ramp.

STORMTROOPER 327: The ship's all yours. If the scanners pick up anything, report it immediately.

The crewmen enter the ship and a loud crashing sound is followed by a voice calling to the guard below.

UDAI'S VOICE: Hey down there, could you give us a hand with this?

The Stormtroopers shrug and enter the ship and a quick round of gunfire is heard.

----------

In a very small command office near the entrance to the ship, a Gantry Officer looks out his window and notices the guards are missing. He speaks into the comlink.

GANTRY OFFICER: TX-three-two-seven. Why aren't you at your post? TX-three-two seven, do you copy?

A Stormtrooper comes down the ramp of the Falcon and waves to the gantry officer, pointing to his ear, indicating his comlink is not working. The gantry officer shakes his head in disgust and heads for the door, giving his aide an annoyed look.

GANTRY OFFICER: Take over. We've got another bad transmitter. I told command not to upgrade to the new version of MMX, but noooOOOoo...

As the officer approaches the door, it slides open revealing the towering Jewbacca. The gantry officer, in a momentary state of shock, stumbles backward. With a bone-chilling howl, the giant Wook-oy flattens the officer with one blow. The aide immediately reaches for his pistol, but is blasted by Udai, dressed as an Imperial Stormtrooper. Ben and the robots enter the room quickly followed by Qusai, who is also dressed as a stormtrooper, having mimed com problems a moment ago. Qusai quickly removes his helmet.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Damn these helmets are itchy. I can understand the communicator, and the night-vision, but whats with all these copper wires and sharp leads sticking out? They felt like they were poking into my scalp...

UDAI SOLO: Just do like I did, kid, scrape out or bend all the scratchy bits out of the way.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Yeah, well you know, between his howling and your blasting everything in sight, it's a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here.

JEWBACCA: Shalowm 'al rrrrro'iy shalah...

UDAI SOLO: Bring them on! I'm a smuggler, not a terrorist. Now lets find us an escape route to get the hell off this station.

FU-2: We found the computer outlet, sir.

MP-3: [Angrily] #EVERYTHING I DO by Bryan Adams#

Now that MP-3 has linked to the computer, and FU-2 has stolen some of the credit, the smaller droid pulls up a map of the level on the monitor.

BEN LADEN: Now that he's online, he should be able to interpret the entire Imperial computer network. MP-3, try to locate the schematics of the station's tractor beams.

MP-3: #PHYSICAL ATTRACTION by Madonna#

FU-2: He says he's found the main control to the power beam that's holding the ship here. [Points to monitor] The tractor beam is coupled to the main reactor in seven locations. A power loss at any one of the terminals will allow the ship to leave.

JEWBACCA: Dallah chabarrrr...

UDAI SOLO: Boy, you said it, Jewie. If I ever build a giant evil death-station, remind me to attach systems in parallel, not in series...

BEN LADEN: [Serious] I don't think you boys can help. I must go alone.

UDAI SOLO: Whatever you say. I've done more than I bargained for on this trip already.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I want to go with you!

BEN LADEN: Be patient, Qusai. Stay and watch over the droids.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: But these two can...

BEN LADEN: The droids must be delivered safely or other star systems will suffer the same fate as Afghaneraan. Do you think the Empire will stop once its goals are accomplished? They will just move on to the next target, and the one after that, until no planet is free from their utter domination. Besides, your destiny lies along a different path from mine. The Way will be with you ... always!

Ben adjusts the nukesaber on his belt and silently steps out of the command office, then disappears down a long gray hallway.

UDAI SOLO: Where did you dig up that old fossil?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Still peering longingly after Ben] Actually I found him in a cave... [Shakes his head] Look, Ben is a great man.

UDAI SOLO: Yeah, it would have been great if I'd known he was worth 25 million BEFORE I took him on as a passenger and evaded Imperial Carriers on his behalf...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I didn't hear you coming up with any ideas to get us out of this.

UDAI SOLO: Well, anything would be better than just hanging around waiting for them to pick us up...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Then why'd you let him go out all on his own, against a half-million Stormtroopers and god-knows-what security. What do you think are the odds of getting hit by a Stormtrooper?

UDAI SOLO: A million to one...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Yeah? Well by that logic there's a 50% chance he'll die!

FU-2: Actually, sir, the odds of being intentionally shot by a Stormtrooper are over seven million, four-hundred eighty-two thousand...

QUSAI & UDAI TOGETHER: Shut up!

Suddenly MP-3 begins to whistle and beep a blue streak.

MP-3: #NOW THAT I'VE FOUND YOU by Najee#

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What is it?

FU-2: I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir. He says "I found her," and keeps repeating, "She's here."

MP-3: [Getting really pissed about FU-2's faulty translation] #MAN ON YOUR MIND by Little River Band#

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, who... who has he found?

FU-2: Princess Ali. The one who sent the message to Osama Bin One.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: The princess? She's here?

MP-3: [Insistent] #IT'S RAINING MEN by Weather Girls#

UDAI SOLO: Princess?

Tired of being ignored and misconstrued, MP-3 makes a really angry noise that could not possibly be construed as musical.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Where... where is she? I never did get to see her face...

UDAI SOLO: Princess? What's going on?

FU-2: Level five. Detention block AA-twenty-three. I'm afraid she's scheduled to be terminated.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Oh, no! We've got to do something.

UDAI SOLO: What are you talking about?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: This droid belongs to her. She's the one in the message. We've got to help her!

UDAI SOLO: Now, look, don't get any funny ideas. The old man wants us to wait right here. Where we aren't being shot.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You mean "shot at", there's a difference. Besides, he didn't know she was here. Look, will you just find a way down into the detention block?

UDAI SOLO: I'm not going anywhere.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: They're going to execute her. Look, a few minutes ago you said you didn't want to just wait here to be captured. Now all you want to do is stay.

UDAI SOLO: Marching into the detention area is not what I had in mind.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: But they're going to kill her!

MP-3: #REAL MAN by Bruce Springsteen#

UDAI SOLO: Better her than me...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: She's rich.

JEWBACCA: [Rolling his eyes and looking condescendingly at Udai] Kol Batsa' keceph...

UDAI SOLO: [Ignoring Jewie] Rich?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Yes. Rich, powerful! Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be...

UDAI SOLO: What?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, so much that you could afford to BUY all that stuff you download off the net...

UDAI SOLO: That's a lot of downloads kid...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You'll get it!

UDAI SOLO: Fine, [Smirks] but its not like I'd actually USE the money on that stuff... I already get it free.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I figured...

JEWBACCA: [Shaking his head, but knows he can't change Udai's mind if money's involved] Halom Shagag 'owd.

UDAI SOLO: All right, kid. But you'd better be right about this! What's your plan?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Uh... FU-2, hand me those binders there will you?

He moves toward Jewbacca with electronic cuffs.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Okay. Now, I'm going to put these on you.

JEWBACCA: [With a hideous growl] Gowy 'owlam Dak!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Ooookaaay. Udai, you put these on.

UDAI SOLO: Don't worry, Jewie. I think I know what he has in mind.

The Wook-oy, who knew perfectly well what not-so-subtle plan the boy had in mind, sighs and lets Udai bind his hands (but not lock the binders properly, such that Jewbacca could just pull them off in a pinch). The guys put their Stormtrooper helmets back on, and get directions to Ali's cell block.

FU-2: Master Qusai, sir! Pardon me for asking... but, ah... what should MP-3 and I do if we're discovered here?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Lock the door!

UDAI SOLO: What are they gonna do? Shoot it?

FU-2: That isn't very reassuring.

----------

Qusai and Udai try to look inconspicuous in their white armored suits as they wait for a turbolift to arrive. Troops, bureaucrats, and robots bustle about, ignoring the trio completely. Only a few give the giant Wook-oy prisonner a curious glance. Finally a small elevator arrives and the trio enters.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I can't see a thing in this helmet.

Udai leans out and motions feebly with his hand to see if anyone else wants to catch the elevator before the car leaves, but nobody seems to want to share space with their large, furry friend. The door to the pod-like vehicle slides closed and the elevator car takes off through the turbolift tube.

UDAI SOLO: Hey, this guy had something in his pocket... look at that! A set of those collectable Rebel Main Character cards. Here's Admiral Arafat... hehe "It's a trap!" Don't see what good this one's picture would do for them though, all those fish species look the same.

JEWBACCA: [Mutters] B@liya'al kazab mattah

UDAI SOLO: Don't be so uptight Jewie, they're funny... wait, is that... [Stares in disbelief] Son of a BITCH! He's right here, twenty years younger! King of Spades, Osama Bin-One, bounty 25 million! Am I the only guy who didn't know this guy was worth a fortune?

In frustration, Udai rips the card into little pieces and shoves the rest back into the armor's pants pocket.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Quiet, we're slowing down.

Qusai and Udai step forward to exit the elevator, but the door slides open behind them. Trying not to look surprised (easy enough when your face is hidden by a Stormtrooper helmet), the giant Wook-oy and his two guards enter the old gray security station. Guards and automated lasers are everywhere. Udai whispers to Qusai.

UDAI SOLO: [Under his breath] This is not going to work.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Why didn't you say so before?

UDAI SOLO: I did say so before!

A tall, grim looking Officer approaches the trio.

WARDEN: Where are you taking this... thing?

JEWBACCA: Nazi parah-ba'al!

His growling remark about Officer's sexual preference causes Udai to nudge him hard to shut up. Fortunately, few if any Imperials speek Woobrew, and this Warden was clearly not a linguistic prodigy.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Prisoner transfer from Block one-one-two-three.

WARDEN: I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it.

The officer goes back to his console and begins to punch in the information. There are only three other troopers in the area. Qusai and Udai survey the situation, checking all of the alarms, automated laser turrets and camera eyes. Udai taps Jewbacca and shrugs to Qusai. Suddenly Jewbacca throws off the improperly fastened binders and lets out with one of his ear-piercing howls. He grabs Udai's laser rifle.

UDAI SOLO: Look out! He's loose!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: He's going to pull us all apart.

UDAI SOLO: What are you waiting for! Get him!

The startled guards are momentarily dumbfounded. Qusai and Udai have already pulled out their blaster rifles and are blasting away at the terrifying Wook-oy. But their barrage of laserfire misses Jewie completely, instead hitting the camera eyes and auto-laser guns in the walls. The Imperial guards are slow to catch on... they open fire on the "prisonner" as well, also missing him completely. After a few shots though, they are perilously close to hitting Udai by accident, so he turns towards them and takes down all three guards and the officer in four clean shots. The Warden is the last to fall, just as he was about to push the alarm system. Udai rushes to the comlink system, which is screeching questions about what is going on. He quickly checks the computer readout.

UDAI SOLO: We've got to find out which cell this Princess Ali person is in. Here it is... in cell twenty-one-eight-seven. You go get her. I'll hold them here.

As Qusai races down one of the cell corridors. Udai speaks into the buzzing comlink.

UDAI SOLO: [Trying to sound official] You have reached Detention Corridor AA-twenty-three. We are currently suffering com problems. For information on prisonners in this block, press 1 now. For directions to reach Detention Corridor AA-twenty-three, press 2. To arrange a prisonner transfer, have your authorization ready and press 3. To leave a message, press 4....

INTERCOM VOICE: What's this automated crap? [Speaking away from mic to somebody else] Why aren't they at their posts? [Back into intercom] I hate call waiting... Jed? Are you there yet?

UDAI SOLO: [Tries to fake a crackling sound into the mic] I'm sorry, your call has been disconnected. For troubleshooting, press 1 now. To contact a communications repair crew, press 2. To...

INTERCOM VOICE: [Frustrated] That's it, I'm sending a squad down to check things out.

The person on the other end hangs up. Udai shrugs and blasts the com panel.

UDAI SOLO: Boring conversation anyway. [Yells down the hall] Qusai! We're going to have company!

Qusai stops in front of one of the cells and opens the door with a key-card taken from the Warden's body. The Ambassador is lying down on the hard metal bed, still in white robes, looking much as in the holo, except that now Qusai can see his face - and it is a man, with a thin mustache and a look of terror on his face.

PRINCE ALI: [Whimpering] D-don't hurt me! Not again...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What? Oh... the uniform. [Takes off helmet] I'm Qusai Scudwalker. I'm here to rescue the Princess. Do you know where she is?

PRINCE ALI: Princess? I don't know any princess, but I'm a prince. Prince Ali, at your service... er, mercy... please save me!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Hopes fading] You're the one who sent that message in MP-3? You sure there's no princess?

He looks over his shoulder, as though hoping to peek into other cells and find the beautiful woman he'd imagined.

PRINCE ALI: You got my message? Is Ben Laden here! Where is he?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: He's on this station too, come on! [Resigned] We gotta meet up with him at our ship.

-
----------
MOAB STAR - CONFERENCE ROOM
----------
-

Darth Cheney paces the room as Governor Tarfeld sits at the far end of the conference table, tenting his fingers in deep thought.

DARTH CHENEY: He is here...[BEEP BEEP]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Osama Bin-One? What makes you think so?

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] A tremor in the Way. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master. [BEEP]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Surely he must be dead by now... probably died in some dark cave, all alone, or else someone would have claimed his bounty.

DARTH CHENEY: Don't underestimate the power of the Way.

GRAND MOFF CHENEY: The Jyhad are extinct, their fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion.

INTERCOM VOICE: Governor Tarfeld, we have an emergency alert in detention block AA-twenty-three.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Prince Ali! Haven't you executed that simpering swine yet?

DARTH CHENEY: Well, uh... [BEEP BEEP] I was on my way, but then I sensed Osama Bin-One, and I thought you should know...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: [With a withering glance at Cheney] Put all sections on alert!

DARTH CHENEY: Osama Bin-One IS here. [BEEP] The Way of Mega-Destiny is with him, like his shadow... an extension of his soul, connected with the power that binds the universe together. Subject to his will as he is in turn subject to it, and...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: ENOUGH with the mystic crap. If you're right and he is here, he must not be allowed to escape.

DARTH CHENEY: Escape is not his plan. [BEEP BEEP] I must face him alone.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Fine, but why alone? We have thousands of Stormtroopers here. Surely once you track him down, we could just assault him with wave upon wave of...

DARTH CHENEY: [Already on his way out] What do you think are the odds of getting hit by a Stormtrooper? [BEEP BEEP]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Touche.

-
----------
MOAB STAR - DETENTION CORRIDOR
----------
-

An ominous buzzing sound is heard on the other side of the elevator door.

UDAI SOLO: Jewie! Behind me! Get behind me!

A series of explosions knock a hole in the elevator door through which several Imperial troops begin to emerge. The two smugglers fire their blaster rifles at them through the smoke and flames. They turn and run down the cell hallway, meeting up with Qusai and Ali rushing toward them.

UDAI SOLO: Can't get out that way.

PRINCE ALI: Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route.

UDAI SOLO: This ain't the princess... its a guy.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Yeah, one of the droids must have got it wrong...

UDAI SOLO: Then lets ditch him...

PRINCE ALI: No... please! I am a Prince... I, er, come from a rich family! They owned almost an entire planet, and everyone knows the real money's in real estate.

Qusai takes a small comlink transmitter from his belt as they continue to exchange fire with Stormtroopers making their way down the corridor. Blaster bolts are hitting the jail corridor's armored walls all around them, but not causing much damage - especially to the rebels.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: FU-2, FU-2?

FU-2: [Over comlink] Yes sir?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It was a Prince, not a Princess, and we've been cut off! Are there any other ways out of the cell bay?... What was that? I didn't copy!

----------

The two droids are still back in the docking bay control center, overlooking the Morpheus Falcon.

MP-3: #I TOLD YOU SO by Randy Travis#

The tall droid paces the control room as little MP-3 beeps and whistles. FU-2 yells into the small comlink transmitter.

FU-2: I said, all systems have been alerted to your presence, sir. The main entrance seems to be the only way out; MP-3 says we can't access other information on your level unless we fill out an online form to register for their newsletter, and you know how he hates to register for anything...

Someone begins banging on the door.

STORMTROOPER VOICE: Open up in there!

FU-2: Oh, no!

The Stormtroopers outside begin firing, trying to blast through the door.

----------

Qusai and Ali crouch together in an alcove for protection as they continue to exchange fire with troops. Udai and Jewbacca are barely able to keep the Stormtroopers at bay at the far and of the hallway. The laserfire is very intense, and smoke fills the narrow cell corridor.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: There isn't any other way out.

UDAI SOLO: I can't hold them off forever! Now what?

PRINCE ALI: This is some rescue. When you came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Pointing to Qusai] He's the brains, Princess.

PRINCE ALI: I'm a man, dammit. [A near miss causes him to leap all over Qusai] Hold me!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Get off me!

Qusai gives the Prince a shove, a little harder than he meant it, and the scrawny white-robed figure tumbles backwards into a hinged door at the bottom of a wall panel. The door opens inward, dropping Ali into the garbage chute.

PRINCE ALI: AAaaaaaaaaarrgh! [Trailing off]

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Oops! Sorry...

Scrambling over, Qusai pushes open the chute and peaks down.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Geez, how far down does this thing go?

UDAI SOLO: Why don't you find out, dumbass.

Udai leans across the narrow hallway and gives him a boot in the rear, sending Qusai head first down the shaft. Then, the smuggler quickly ducks back into cover as even more errant blasts stream into the hallway, from the seemingly endless number of Stormtroopers filling the small guard room by the elevators.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: AAaaaaaaaaarrgh! [Trailing off]

UDAI SOLO: Ahh. That was therapeutic... I can feel all my stress just melting away. [Smirks]

JEWBACCA: [As a parent would remind an unthinking child] Keceph?

UDAI SOLO: Jeez, you're right! There'd be nobody left to pay me for going through all this crap!

Udai ducks laserfire as he jumps into the darkness. Jewie fires off a couple of quick blasts creating a smoky cover, then with a reluctant moan slides into the chute himself and is gone.

JEWBACCA: Taph...

-
----------
MOAB STAR - GARBAGE ROOM
----------
-

Udai tumbles into a large room filled with chunks of metal garbage, discarded junkmail flyers, and porno magazines, and filled with knee-high garbage water. Qusai is already stumbling around looking for an exit. He finds a small hatchway and struggles to get it open. It won't budge. Udai only barely manages to dodge as Jewbacca's furry bulk drops down from above.

UDAI SOLO: [Sarcastically] Oh! The garbage chute was a really wonderful idea. What an incredible smell you've discovered! Let's get out of here! Get away from there...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: No! wait!

Having discarded his Stormtrooper rifle, Udai draws his blaster pistol and fires at the hatch. The laserbolt ricochets wildly around the small metal room. Everyone dives for cover in the garbage until the bolt finally stops in a heap of wrecked metal. Ali climbs out of the garbage with a frightened look on his face.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Will you forget it? I already tried it. It's magnetically sealed!

PRINCE ALI: Yeah, put that thing away! You're going to get us all killed.

UDAI SOLO: Absolutely, Your Worship, in a second. But did you try THIS!

He fires at the door again in the same place, exactly as before, and just as before the bolt is deflected, bouncing around randomly and forcing everyone to dive for cover (except Udai doesn't even bother ducking). This time, it impacts on a stack of Playboy magazines, lighting them in a burst of orange flames.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!

PRINCE ALI: Stop it, please! I beg you...

UDAI SOLO: Okay, okay. [Starts holstering his pistol] But I think I've got it all figured out now. What about.... THIS!

He does a quickdraw and fires a third time, and stands there smiling like a crocodile as everybody else ducks again. The reddish laser bolt bounces off each wall in turn, and this time hits the murky water just a couple inches below Ali's crotch. The Prince faints, and his face falls forward into the scum water.

UDAI SOLO: Hehe. Sweeeet. So, geometry IS good for something afterall...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Oh yeah, you're a genius. My hero... Now stop SCREWING AROUND and help us think of a way out!

JEWBACCA: [Agreeing] Chacam taphaph!

UDAI SOLO: Okay, okay. Remember: I'm not the genius that knocked our money-sack of a prisonner down here in the first place. You know, its not going to take long for them to figure out what happened to us...

A loud, horrible, inhuman moan works its way up from the murky depths. Jewbacca lets out a terrified howl and begins to back away. Qusai stands fast and draws his pistol, and he and Udai try to cover the floor with their laser pistols drawn. Ali splutters back to consciousness, jerking his head back out of the muck and coughing. The more sensible Wook-oy climbs up a pile of rubble near one of the walls where he should be safer from any threat from below.

UDAI SOLO: That ain't good.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: There's something alive in here!

PRINCE ALI: Oh god! We're gonna die... we're all gonna die!

UDAI SOLO: That's your imagination.

JEWBACCA: [As though everyone should know] Mayim sh@phiyphon

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Something just moved past my leg! Look! Did you see that?

Unfortunately, Udai, the only one who should understand Jewie's warning, is not paying attention to the large Wook-oy, and instead heading towards the door the look for a way to open it.

UDAI SOLO: What'd you say?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Help!

Suddenly Qusai is yanked under the garbage and out of sight.

UDAI SOLO: Qusai? Qusai!

Solo reaches down to get to Qusai. Qusai surfaces a few feet away with a gasp of air and thrashing of limbs. A membrane tentacle is wrapped around his throat.

PRINCE ALI: Qusai! Don't go, I'm scared!

Jewbacca climbs down the pile of twisted metal, getting closer to the water, and extends a long pipe toward the struggling Qusai.

JEWBACCA: Tamak 'achaz Chazaq!

There's no need for translation this time, as Qusai grabs the pipe and pulls as best he can, still mostly submerged beneath the surface.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Blast it, will you! My gun's jammed.

UDAI SOLO: Where?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Anywhere! Oh!!

Solo fires his gun downward. Qusai is pulled back into the muck by the slimy tentacle.

UDAI SOLO: Qusai! Qusai!

Suddenly the walls of the garbage bin shudder and move in a couple of inches. Then everything is deathly quiet. Udai and Ali give each other a worried look as Jewbacca howls in the corner. With a rush of bubbles and muck Qusai suddenly bobs to the surface.

PRINCE ALI: Grab him! [They are able to pull him out of the water] What happened?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I don't know, it just let go of me and disappeared...

UDAI SOLO: I've got a very bad feeling about this.

Before anyone can say anything the walls begin to rumble and edge toward the Rebels.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: The walls are moving!

PRINCE ALI: D-don't just stand there. Try and brace it with s-s-something.

UDAI SOLO: Then help us, dammit! You've already had your face in it, "Princess", your hands aren't going to get any dirtier...

They place poles and long metal beams between the closing walls, but they are simply snapped and bent as the giant garbage crusher rumbles on. The situation doesn't look too good.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Wait a minute!

He pulls out his comlink.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: FU-2! FU-2? Where could he be?

----------

Back up in the docking bay control center, a soft buzzer and the muted voice of Qusai calling out for FU-2 can be heard on FU-2's hand comlink, which is sitting on the deserted computer console. MP-3 and FU-2 are nowhere in sight.

Just outside the room, a squad of Stormtroopers have been trying to blast down the door for minutes now, but only a couple shots have hit, and none have penetrated the armored security door. The red-eyed Sergeant is looking around for some way they could improve their accuracy...

SERGEANT SMITH: TK-777, I want you to stand right in front of the door, put the barrel of your rifle right against the lock and fire...

The white-armored soldier does as ordered, and the rest all stand back as 777 carefully lines up his gun so that it can't possibly miss the lock mechanism.

SERGEANT SMITH: Alright squad, fire at the door. Do aim away from TK-777

TK-777 never has a chance to fire, as the rest of his squad try to carefully avoid shooting him, and he crumples over from at least six shots in the back. One of the blasts penetrated right through him and scorched the lock mechanism.

STORMTROOPER 778: Wow, good thinkin', Sir.

SERGEANT SMITH: That's why they pay me the big bucks. Move in.

Four armed stormtroopers are now able to force the door, and they enter the chamber.

SERGEANT SMITH: Take over! [Points to the dead officer] See to him! Look there!

A trooper pushes a button and the supply cabinet door slides open. FU-2 and MP-3 are inside. Mp-3 follows his bronze companion out into the office.

FU-2: They're madmen! They're heading for the prison level. If you hurry, you might catch them.

SERGEANT SMITH: [To his troops] Follow me! You stand guard.

The troops hustle off down the hallway, leaving a guard to watch over the command office.

FU-2: [To MP-3] Come on! The guard aims a blaster at them.

FU-2: Oh! All this excitement has overrun the circuits of my counterpart here. If you don't mind, I'd like to take him down to maintenance.

STORMTROOPER 501: All right.

The guard nods and FU-2, with little MP-3 in tow, hurries out the door.

----------

The garbage room walls rumble closed, the room gets smaller and smaller. Jewie is whining and trying to hold a wall back with his giant paws. Udai is leaning back against the other wall. Garbage is snapping and popping. Qusai is still trying to reach FU-2.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: FU-2! Come in, FU-2! FU dammit!

Udai and Ali try to brace the contracting walls with a particularly thick and sturdy-looking pole, which is so heavy they can barely roll it in between the walls. Ali begins to sink into the trash.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Where could he be? FU-2! FU-2, will you come in?

----------

The two droids are standing just around the corner, and FU-2 is peeking around at the Morpheus Falcon from the far side of the docking bay (opposite the command center).

FU-2: [Worried] They aren't here! Something must have happened to them. See if they've been captured.

Little MP-3 carefully plugs his claw arm into a new wall socket and a complex array of electronic sounds spew from the tiny robot.

FU-2: Hurry!

----------

The walls are only feet apart. Ali and Udai are bracing the pipe, but it is rapidly bending into uselessness, with a big kink in the middle. The Prince is frightened out of his mind. They look at each other. Udai reaches out and slaps Ali.

UDAI SOLO: Snap out of it and keep pushing! One thing's for sure. [He looks back at the walls, craning his neck upward] We're all going to be a lot thinner! Princey, you're the smallest, see if you can climb up there... Get on top of it!

PRINCE ALI: I'm trying!

----------

FU-2 stops looking out into the docking bay, for fear of being noticed through the command center window.

FU-2: [To MP-3] Thank goodness, they haven't found them! But then where could they be?

MP-3: #CALL THE MAN by Celine Dion#

FU-2: Use the comlink? Oh, my! I forgot I turned it off!

He buzzes Qusai, who picks up instantly. Muffled sounds of Qusai's voice over the comlink can be heard, but not distinctly.

FU-2: Are you there, sir?

QUSAI'S VOICE: FU-2?

FU-2: We've had some problems, and MP-3 claims to have found some kind of hack in their Stormtrooper programming and brainwashing that he says could......

QUSAI'S VOICE: Shut down all the garbage crushers below the detention level, will you? Do you copy? Shut down all the garbage crushers below the detention level!

MP-3: #TRASHY WOMAN by Confederate Railroad#

FU-2: [To MP-3] No. Shut them all down! Hurry!

The tall bronze droid holds his head in agony as he hears the incredible screaming and hollering from Qusai's comlink.

FU-2: Listen to them! They're dying, MP-3! Curse my metal body! I wasn't fast enough. It's all my fault! My poor master!

QUSAI'S VOICE: FU-2, we're all right!

----------

The screaming and hollering is the sound of joyous relief. The walls have stopped moving, with only a foot and a half left, and most of that space is filled with garbage, leaving precious little room for the survivors. Udai, Jewie and Ali embrace in the background, then Udai puts Ali in a friendly headlock.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: We're all right. You did great. Hey... hey, open the pressure maintenance hatch on unit number ... where are we?

UDAI SOLO: [Reading the hatch] Three-two-six-eight-two-seven.

-
----------
MOAB STAR - GENERATOR COOLING TRENCH
----------
-

The wily Ben Laden has carefully weaved his way unnoticed halfway to the core of the MOAB Star, evading patrols with great stealth, and finding his way through the massive labyrinth as though he could simply feel the correct path.

Ben enters a humming service trench that powers the huge tractor beam. The trench seems to be a miles long and deep, like an internal canyon running through this region of the moon-sized space station. The clacking sound of huge switching devices can be heard. The old Jyhad Knight edges his his way along a narrow ledge leading to a pillar with a control panel that connects two large cables. He carefully makes several adjustments in the computer terminal, and several lights on the board go from red to blue, and disabling the tractor beam.

As he creeps back around the pillar, two Stormtrooper guards have stopped in a position overlooking the precarious bridge he needs to cross. Peeking at them around the pillar, he points past them with his finger. Immediately, both Stormtroopers turn that way.

STORMTROOPER 90210: Did you hear that?

The trooper on the left leans a little toward the other trying to see further down the apparently deserted corridor. Then Ben points to the left, and both white-masked soldiers try to look to the left, only now they are too close together, and they bump heads, throwing both of them momentarily off-balance. Windmilling their arms in a vain attempt to regain balance, they both tilt gradually off kilter and with a last, failed attempt to grab at each others hands, they fall off opposite sides of the narrow bridge.

STORMTROOPER 90210: Aww CRAAAAAaaaaaaaap... [Trailing off]

The old Jyhad knight pumps his fist with childlike glee, then begin sneaking back across the bridge.

BEN LADEN: Still got it! Someday, the Empire will learn the value of safety railings...

-
----------
MOAB STAR - HALLWAY 24601A
----------
-

The group exits the garbage room into a dusty, unused hallway. Udai and Qusai remove their Stormtrooper suits and strap on their blaster belts.

UDAI SOLO: Man, if I never see another Playboy as long as I live, I'll be a happy man.

JEWBACCA: [Hopeful] 'ozen 'owr!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, lets get going...

UDAI SOLO: [To Jewie] Yeah, once we get the reward for the "Princess" here, we can pay off Jabba and I'll have enough left to buy real women.

JEWBACCA: [Sighing] Tsow'ah.

The Prince, in his resplendant majesty, has been searching through their discarded Stormtrooper gear, and comes up with a half pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

PRINCE ALI: Oh man, its been so long since I lit up...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What the hell are you doing? Somebody might notice!

PRINCE ALI: But I need my nicotine! [Lights a cigarette] Oh yeah...

UDAI SOLO: Thats a filthy habit. Hey... if you don't put it out, I will...

PRINCE ALI: Just give me another minute...

The thin trail of smoke wafts upwards, and Ali coughs. Qusai and Jewie look disgusted, but Udai pulls out his pistol and aims it upwards.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: No, wait. They'll hear!

But Udai fires at the ceiling. The noise of the blast echoes relentlessly throughout the empty passageway, and then the sprinkler system comes on, dousing them all in water and putting out the cigarette in a flash. Qusai simply shakes his head in disgust.

UDAI SOLO: I warned you. At least now we're cleaner. Let's get outta here.

PRINCE ALI: L-listen, I don't know who you are, or where you came from, but from now on, y-you do as I tell you. Okay? Don't touch my smokes, don't put me in headlocks, and DON'T FIRE ANY MORE SHOTS if there isn't anybody to shoot!

UDAI SOLO: Whatever you say, Your Worshipfulness...

Udai starts to aim at the Prince, but Qusai grabs him from behind to try and stop him, and Jewbacca wrestles his gun arm down. Between them, they are able to prevent any homicide - for the moment.

JEWBACCA: Keceph... keceph...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Just think reward... remember the reward... and we're letting you go... now.

UDAI SOLO: [Shoots Ali a venomous glance] Fine, fine. Lets just get one thing straight - only one person gives me orders, and thats ME! Got it Princess? Good. Now lets get the hell out of here and find somebody to blast.

He marches off down the hall, ready to waste the first Stormtrooper that walks in front of his crosshairs, and the others walk quickly to catch up. Udai turns to Qusai as he goes, pretending Ali isn't there.

UDAI SOLO: No reward is worth THIS... Are you sure he's a prince?

----------

After some sneaking around, Qusai, Udai, Jewbacca, and Ali have reached a hallway ending in a bay window, which overlooks the docking bay where the Morpheus Falcon is being held. Through some miracle, Jewie and Qusai have even managed to keep Udai from blowing up anything else or otherwise attracting attention to them. Down below them, they can see Stormtroopers milling about the ship. Qusai takes out his pocket comlink.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: FU-2? You alright?

FU'S VOICE: For the moment. Uh, we're in the main hangar across from the ship.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: We're right above you. It should only take us a sec to find our way down...

UDAI SOLO: [Casting a dangerous glance at the Stormtroopers below] They better not mess with my ship.

PRINCE ALI: Where's your ship? Behind that heap of twisted metal?

Udai turns to Ali with a look that could wither plants, and Jewie moves behind him to stop him just in case he loses control. Ali interprets his gaze correctly, to his horror:

PRINCE ALI: Oh god... w-we're l-leaving in THAT?

Just as Udai shudders, whipping out his gun to waste Ali, and Jewie reaches out to stop him, a trio of Stormtroopers come around the corner as see them. The white-armored soldiers open fire immediately, spraying the area around them with searing blaster bolts, scorching the walls.

SERGEANT SMITH: It's them! Blast them!

STORMTROOPER 778: We're trying, sir!

Before even thinking, Udai turns his laser pistol away from Ali and charges the troops, firing. His blaster blows one of the Stormtroopers off his feet. The other two Stormtroopers, faced with his vastly superior accuracy and having lost their Sergeant, turn tail and run. As Jewie follows his captain down the corridor, stepping over the fallen red-eyed trooper on the floor, he notes a minor electrical disturbance around the corpse, whose eyes turn back to black, like those of a standard Stormtrooper helmet. Jewie has little time to ponder this though, and is forced to barrel onwards to keep up with the reckless Udai.

UDAI SOLO: [To Qusai and Ali] Get back to the ship!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Where are you going? Come back!

But Udai and Jewie are already out of sight.

PRINCE ALI: That guy is a 'wad.

They don't have a lot of time to ponder this, for muted alarms begin to go off down on the hangar deck. Qusai and Ali start off toward the starship hangar.

----------

Udai chases the Stormtroopers down a long subhallway. He is yelling and brandishing his laser pistol, and his fire takes down another one, leaving only one left. The last Stormtrooper runs past the lift tubes only to reach a dead end. He appears to stop for a moment as if staring at the wall, but a subtle electric shock seems to run through him, and suddenly he stands up straighter. Udai stops a few feet from him and raises up his pistol for a coldhearted kill shot. Before he fires though, the Stormtrooper turns around, staring him down with his red eyes.

JEWBACCA: [Catching his breath] 'adam 'adam!

UDAI SOLO: What do you mean, red eyes? So what?

Suddenly, the now red-eyed Stormtrooper lashes out with his left fist and knocks Udai's pistol right out of his hand, sending it spinning down the hallway. Udai is stunned that a Stormtrooper could do something so effective, but isn't overly worried, because he knows that the safest place to be is three feet away from a Stormtrooper who is trying to shoot you.

UDAI SOLO: [Feeling gypped] What the hell was that?

The Stormtrooper holds up his blaster in one hand, looks down at it, then looks back at Udai and Jewie. He carelessly tosses his gun aside.

UDAI SOLO: [Confused] Who the hell do you think you are?

SERGEANT SMITH: [Slowly, arrogantly] Smith... Sergeant Smith.

UDAI SOLO: Your funeral, white-boy.

The equally arrogant smuggler throws a punch at Smith's face, but the Stormtrooper's red eyes flare as he leans aside (dodging the fist), then rebounding he backslaps Udai, launching him sideways six feet into a wall. With a feral growl, Jewie launches himself at the Sergeant. Smith manages to deflect a furry, Wook-oy punch to the head, but Jewbacca follows up with a harsh left to the Stormtrooper's stomach. Though knocked back three feet, Smith lands on his feet and recovers quickly, coming back with a front kick, then moving in and performing a series of rapid punches.

Grunting from the impacts, the much larger Wook-oy reaches down with both hands and grabs Sergeant Smith by the neck in a brutal chokehold. Smith reaches up to try and reciprocate, but is unable to reach Jewie's neck, so even as he begins to audibly choke, Smith reaches up and pushing outwards, knocks Jewbacca's arms aside and then returns a devastating punch to the Wook-oy's gut. On landing the blow, Smith holds his arm rigid for a moment, watching his opponent soar backwards a dozen feet and land on his back.

Udai, having got back to his feet, charges the Stormtrooper from behind, but without so much as a glance, Sergeant Smith snaps a quick roundhouse, which knocks Udai flying to the opposite side of the hall. His red eyes never leave Jewbacca, the actual threat, who is slowly standing up, brushing himself off casually. Once back up to his full towering height, Jewie cracks his neck to either side with relish.

JEWBACCA: [Grinning] Matsa' 'aniy Wook-Fu

UDAI SOLO: Forget your martial arts crap, we can't take this guy. We have to run!

SERGEANT SMITH: I'm going to enjoy ... watching you die...

JEWBACCA: [As if pronouncing doom] Ken Hava'

Smith and Jewie charge at each other, and as they meet Smith makes a lunging punch, but Jewie grabs it with his right hand, and pulling it towards him, he punches the Stormtrooper with his left hand, connecting right where the white arm attached to the shoulder. The force of the Wook-oy's blow tears Smith's arm right off his body, and even as blood spurts from the shoulder, Jewbacca spins around and delivers a brutal backhand club blow to the Stormtrooper's head with his own arm. Now its Smith's turn to be launched into the wall of the hallway, collapsing in a very un-alive looking way. A small jolt of electricity flows through the corpse as the eyes to from red back to standard Stormtrooper black.

UDAI SOLO: [Getting up, more slowly] Holy crap, Jewie.

JEWBACCA: Pow.

Jewie switches his grip on the still bleeding arm, and holding it by the stump, he reaches around and uses it to scratch his back. Then, he tosses it aside, and they both start jogging back towards where they left the others.

Just as they are passing by the lift tubes again, they hear an elevator car coming, but they don't slow down until they hear it stop and open behind them. Udai and Jewbacca turn slowly to look, as a red-eyed Stormtrooper emerges, and throws away his rifle.

SERGEANT SMITH: Now... where were we?

Even Jewie doesn't want to fight this guy anymore. Without so much as a word, they turn and run like hell down the corridor, and Smith pursues them.

----------

Elsewhere, Qusai fires his laser pistol wildly as he and Ali rush down a narrow subhallway, chased by several Stormtroopers. They quickly reach the end of the subhallway and race through an open hatchway.

Passing through the hatch, Qusai and Ali come out onto a narrow bridge that spans a huge, deep shaft that seems to go into infinity. The bridge has been retracted into the wall of the shaft, and Qusai almost rushes into the abyss. He loses his balance off the end of the bridge as Ali, behind him, takes hold of his arm and pulls him back.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I think we took a wrong turn!

PRINCE ALI: Duh, really? Remember, I was just following you!

Blasts from the Stormtroopers' laser guns explode nearby reminding them of the oncoming danger. Qusai fires back at the advancing troops, dropping one. Ali reaches over and hits a switch that pops the hatch door shut with a resounding boom, leaving them precariously perched on a short piece of bridge overhang. Laserfire from the troopers continues to hit the steel door.

PRINCE ALI: Th-there's no lock!

Turning around, Qusai blasts the controls with his blaster pistol.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: That oughta hold 'em for a while.

PRINCE ALI: How do we get across?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, we just extend the bridge with the... well... [Looks around]... Oh, I think I just blasted it.

Qusai looks at the blasted bridge control while the stormtroopers on the opposite side of the door begin making ominous pounding sounds.

----------

Jewie and Udai round a bend and keep running. Twenty feet behind them, Sergeant Smith stops and cranes his neck, listening to the global intercom channel of his helmet's communicator.

INTERCOM VOICE: ...and we think they are splitting up. They appear to be on levels 5 and 6 now. We have reports of the Prince passing by Junction 5-22A-F718, and heading...

----------

PRINCE ALI: They're c-coming through!

Qusai notices something on his Stormtrooper belt, when laserfire hits the wall behind him. He aims his blaster pistol at a Stormtrooper perched on a higher bridge overhang across the abyss from them. They exchange fire. Two more troopers appear on another overhang, also firing. Qusai hits one, who grabs at his chest and tumbles backwards. Another trooper standing on the bridge overhang is hit by Qusai's fire, and plummets down the shaft. Stormtroopers move back off the bridge; Qusai hands the gun to Ali.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Here, hold this.

PRINCE ALI: I don't want this thing!

Ignoring his whining, Qusai pulls a thin nylon cable from his Stormtrooper utility belt. It has a grappling hook on it. A Stormtrooper appears on a bridge overhang and fires at them. As Qusai works with the rope, Ali sheepishly tries to return fire, but with his loose, girlish grip, and the fact that he cringes and closes his eyes at the instant of firing, his shots are even further off than those of the enemy Stormtroopers. Another Stormtrooper appears and fires at them, as Ali continues to do his pathetic best.

PRINCE ALI: I'm a Prince dammit! We don't do things like this!

Suddenly, the hatch door begins to open, revealing the feet of more troops. Neither Qusai nor Ali notices the brief visible lightning that appears to course through one of the pairs of white boots (and the other feet subsequently backing away). With little time to act, Qusai tosses the rope across the gorge and it wraps itself around an outcropping of pipes. He tugs on the rope to make sure it is secure, then he pushes off and swings across the treacherous gap to the corresponding hatchway on the opposite side. Turning around, he tosses the rope back across to Ali.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Now you. It's not so hard... just don't let go.

But even before the Prince can complain about the risks involved, a white-gloved hand punches straight through the door behind him, grabbing him by the mouth. Ali's eyes go wide, and Qusai (from across the way) can see just a glint of red eyes through the punched-out hole. Ali struggles and bending his knees he manages to sink out of the iron grasp, but in doing so he loses his balance and begins to fall off the ledge.

Heroically, Qusai dives back across the canyon, grabbing the grappling hook cable around the middle of the space, but finds that he needs both hands to hold on, and can't quite reach out to catch Ali. The tumbling Prince grasps wildly and catches Qusai's leg, but the added weight threatens to tug him off the cable.

PRINCE ALI: Please! D-d-don't let go! I don't want to die...

Just then, a Stormtrooper falling from above hits Ali causing him to let go. Qusai struggles to hold on against the jolt, but he loses his grip and tumbles after them.

QUSAI AND ALI: AAaaaaaaaaarrgh! [Trailing off]

Strong hands finally slide the door upwards behind the ledge where they had been trapped, and as the other Stormtroopers stare at him in awe, Smith leans over to peer after the falling rebels.

SERGEANT SMITH: [Condescending] Only human...

----------

In a hallway, approaching the hangar where the Morpheus Falcon awaits, Ben hurries along with all his speed and stealth. Just before he reaches the hangar, Darth Cheney steps into view at the end of the tunnel, not ten feet away. With a blinding flash lights the nearly intolerable glow of his blood red nukesaber. Far from appearing surprised, Ben also ignites his own, equally bright nukesaber and steps slowly forward.

DARTH CHENEY: Nice of you to emerge from hiding, old man. [BEEP BEEP]

BEN LADEN: You're no stranger to undisclosed locations yourself. If I recall, you lay low for quite some time after I gave you the wound that put you in that big black pacemaker of yours.

DARTH CHENEY: Oh, I have nothing to fear. [BEEP] I've been waiting for you, Osama Bin-One. [BEEP BEEP] We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete, and you are the square peg that cannot... [BEEP] fit into that circular hole... [BEEP] and...

Ignoring his failing speech, Ben Laden moves with elegant ease into a classical offensive position. The fearsome Dark Knight takes a defensive stance.

DARTH CHENEY: [Regaining his oratory imperative] When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master. [BEEP BEEP]

BEN LADEN: Only a master of evil, "Darth".

DARTH CHENEY: Not true, Osama. [BEEP BEEP] I am a Master of Combat, Master of the Dark Knowledge, Master of Orion, [BEEP] and I have earned a Masters in Galactic Macro-Economics!

BEN LADEN: If I were a less civilized man, I'd be tempted to add "Baiter" to that list. But I shall refrain... The fact is, you are still merely the Emperor's tool.

The two warriors stand still for a moment - motionless, but locked in a contest of wills. Finally, the evil Sith Lord loses patience and lunges forward with a straight downward strike to test his opponent. Osama Bin-One parries with his blade sideways, held in both hands, and as the two unbearably bright blades collide, the nukesabers emit a booming shockwave of force, blowing back Cheney's cape and Ben Laden's robes, but otherwise leaving the two combattants unaffected, as it shakes the walls, blows away Imperial propaganda posters, and attracts the attention of every Stormtrooper in the docking bay.

The troops mill around, coming to see the warriors fight. But as they crowd up, one near the back is surrounded by electricity for a moment, as his eyes turn red and Sergeant Smith takes control of the body. Taking in the situation, he points fiercely in Osama Bin-One's direction.

SERGEANT SMITH: What were you doing? Destroy him!

Afraid to argue with the Sarge, the Stormtroopers resume doing their job, by opening fire on the rebel. A torrent of blaster bolts are unleashed, aimed at old Ben. Ben Laden doesn't even look at the Stormtroopers, nor make any attempt to avoid their hopeless fire, but a number of the shots come close to Darth Cheney, culminating in one that strikes him right in the shoulder as he was taking a swing at Ben. Cheney grunts in pain, accompanied by a marked increase in the rate of his pacemaker beeping. The blast causes no serious damage, dissolving in a shower of sparks against Darth Cheney's black armored shoulder plate. Cheney turns toward the Stormtroopers and reaches out with his off hand, as Osama backs off, trying not to keel over laughing.

The hapless Stormtrooper who shot Cheney is propelled forward through the air as though sucked in by the Sith Lord's hand, stopping frozen in midair a mere foot away from him, two feet off the ground (putting his head just above Darth Cheney's).

DARTH CHENEY: [To all the Stormtroopers] STAY [BEEP BEEP] OUT [BEEP] OF THIS! [BEEP BEEP]

Old Ben manages to master his laughter, and lunges forward with a diagonal slice. Darth Cheney glides backwards out of the way, and responds by telekinetically launching the offending soldier at the Jyhad Knight. Ben strikes sideways, neatly cleaving the white-armored pawn in half with a backhanded swipe, and causing the severed halves to miss him on opposite sides. But Cheney has used the distraction to charge in, and makes repeated slashes which Ben is harder pressed to block. Each collision of the nukesaber blades unleashed another wave of concussive force, pushing back most of the Stormtrooper crowd, knocking the guns out of some of their hands - even sliding the foolish Trooper's halves across the floor away from the epicenter. Sergeant Smith stands his ground, seemingly unaffected by the shockwaves, but neither he nor any of the others try to "help" any further.

DARTH CHENEY: Your powers are weak, old man.

BEN LADEN: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

DARTH CHENEY: [Sarcastic] Oooh, [BEEP BEEP], spooky... [BEEP BEEP] but there's only one way [BEEP] to find out!

Their nukesabers clash once more, and they continue battling.

----------

Still positioned near the docking bay, FU-2 looks around at the troops milling about watching the saber duel. Even from across the docking bay, shielded by the corner, he shudders as another nukesaber shockwave washes over them.

FU-2: Where could they be? What could be keeping them?

Plugged into the computer socket, MP-3 turns his dome left and right, beeping a response.

MP-3: #MEN IN BLACK by Will Smith#

FU-2: What is all this talk of Stormtrooper reprogramming and transporting about the station?

MP-3: #HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER by Basil Poledouris#

FU-2: I don't follow.

MP-3: [Frustrated] #BEER BARREL POLKA by Party Dance Band#

FU-2: So you're saying that the Stormtrooper's armor is wired into their brains, allowing a new advanced sentient program to pass from soldier to soldier, controlling them with enhanced intelligence and strength, but undefeatable because upon death it simply transfers to a new host, and that this upgrade-program entity is identifiable by a red tint of the armor's visors?

MP-3: [Positive] #YES INDEED by Dorsey#

FU-2: Hrumph! That's positively ridiculous... MP-3, you should know better than to trust a strange computer.

----------

Back in the abyss, Qusai and Ali are plummeting rapidly, next to the dead Stormtrooper that knocked them down in the first place. More doors, pipes, and unextended bridges whip by rapidly on either side of them.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Pointing at the corpse] Doesn't he look familiar?

PRINCE ALI: [Hysterical] Who cares! We're gonna DIE!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: No we're not, look! He IS the same guy! This is the one I shot earlier who fell down past us. Zapped him right in the chest, see?

PRINCE ALI: So??????

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: So he fell past us when I killed him, and then again when we were trying to get across! This pit really is bottomless, because we aren't falling, we're actually orbiting.

PRINCE ALI: What?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: This shaft must wrap all the way around the inner gravity core of the battle-station, so if we fall long enough, we'll pass by the place where we started. Come on, reach up and join hands with me...

The two plummeting (or orbiting?) figures try to swim their way to each other, then on Qusai's insistence, they grab hold of the white-armored corpse as well.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Here it comes... get ready... NOW!

As they approach the junction where they started their fall, they both push off against the corpse, creating an equal and opposite force pushing them in the other direction. With this little course correction, they grab at the cable (still dangling down the center from the grappling hook) and are able to hold on just long enough for it to fling them across the gap into the hallway they were trying to reach, sending them spawling down the corridor. They land painfully, and out of breath, and just lie there for a moment looking up at the ceiling.

PRINCE ALI: [Panting] I... never... want to do that... again...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Also panting] Hey... you are... the one... who fell. I... was just... catching... you...

----------

Back at the docking bay, Udai Solo and Jewbacca have finally reached their destination, in sight of the Morpheus Falcon (and on the right level now). Their weapons in hand, they lean back against the wall surveying the hangar, watching the Imperial Stormtroopers crowd around on side, watching something through a doorway.

UDAI SOLO: I still don't know how we lost Sergeant Smith...

JEWBACCA: Y@da', nabal.

Just then, Qusai and Ali come up behind them.

UDAI SOLO: What kept you?

PRINCE ALI: We ran into some old friends.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Is the ship all right?

Just then, another couple concussion waves wash over the bay, shocking the ears of the newcomers.

UDAI SOLO: Seems okay, if we can get to it. But I don't know what the hell those Stormtrooper's are watching, and I'm worried. Plus, I don't know if the old man got the tractor beam out of commission, and if not we're screwed anyway...

Across the bay, Sergeant Smith and the crowd of other Stormtroopers are still watching the epic combat unfold. Darth Cheney appears to be winning, but its a close fight, and with such deadly weapons a single hit could end it. However, by now, a cameraman has arrived, along with a white-armored observer.

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: This is Jerry Springer, Embedded with MOAB Star Security Detachment 622. If you're just tuning in, MOAB is the acronym for Mother-Of-All-Beams. But today we have an unusual spectacle: a Galactic overlord engaged in single combat with an aged terrorist, reported to be [Holds card up to camera] the King of Spades himself, Osama Bin-One...

The other troopers are all rolling their eyes inside their helmets, trying not to let his shock-reporting distract them from the fight.

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: But why would Darth Cheney engage in a duel with a terrorist, rather than ordering his faithful legions to destroy him? Could they have some personal history between them? Or, could the overlord actually be after the 25 million dollar bounty? Could Darth Cheney be having financial problems?

An angry Sergeant Smith weaves his way through the crowd to the reporter and confronts him.

SERGEANT SMITH: Shut up!

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: I am simply reporting the news. The public wants to know...

SERGEANT SMITH: [His calm portraying restrained menace] I asked you to shut up. The orders were for your... protection.

The implied threat and the unflinching red-eyed gaze quiets the annoying media figure, at least for the moment. Another shockwave forces the watchers to brace themselves, as Darth Cheney sweeps down with another massive blow, barely intercepted by Osama Bin-One's nukesaber.

The Prince, Qusai, Udai and Jewie have just started creeping across the floor, when they catch a glimpse of the duel. Darth Cheney makes a massive two-handed baseball swing, and it looks as though Osama won't be able to block, but instead he points his nukesaber down and jabs it into the ground, creating a blinding column of light. Cheney's energy blade sweeps through the column of light before it fades, but as he finishes his strike there is no body to be seen, only a round hole in the floor where Ben Laden had been standing. Darth Cheney moves carefully forward and leans over the hole. Just then, with another blinding cylinder of light shooting out of the floor behind him, Osama Bin-One leaps up from the floor below, streaking down towards his foe. The towering Dark Lord spins around and blocks just in time. Ben gracefully rides the resulting shockwave back to land on his feet behind the hole. From the accelerated beeping of his pacemaker armor, Cheney is clearly becoming frustrated.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Look! Its Ben!

Meanwhile, the two droids on the opposite side of the space see their chance.

FU-2: Come on, MP-3, we're going!

MP-3: #LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL by Shirley and Lee#

The droids trundle over, and the guys approach from the other side, but still no troopers seem to have noticed them.

UDAI SOLO: Now's our chance! Get in the ship!

They are about to run up the ramp of the Morpheus Falcon, when the old Jyhad Knight looks over his shoulder at Qusai, and lifts his sword up high then watches his opponent with a serene look on his face. Darth Cheney brings his sword down, cutting old Ben in half. Ben's cloak falls to the floor in two parts, but Ben is not in it. Cheney is puzzled at Ben's disappearance and pokes at the empty cloak.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Well, that was pretty spooky after all... [BEEP BEEP]

Seeing Ben Laden cut in two, Qusai yells out in shock.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [In shock] NOOOOOoooooo!

Hearing this, the Stormtroopers turn toward Qusai and the others and begin firing at him. The droids are already are already moving up the ramp into the Morphius Falcon, while Qusai, transfixed by anger and awe, returns their fire. Solo joins in the shooting, as errant bolts from Stormtroopers hit everything around except for the targets. Darth Cheney looks up and advances toward them, as Sergeant Smith is shot down. With his signature electric shocks, the corpse's eyes turn back to normal, while one of the other troopers stands straighter as his eyes turn red. Smith drops his blaster and runs at them.

UDAI SOLO: [To Qusai] Come on! There are too many named characters, we have to run!

PRINCE ALI: Come on! Qusai, we have to get out of here!

JEWBACCA: Cagarrrrr Sha'arrrrr!

UDAI SOLO: Jewie's right, kid! Blast the door!

Qusai fires his blaster pistol at the door control panel, and it explodes. The blast door begins to slide shut. Three Stormtroopers charge forward firing laser bolts, jumping through before the door slides to a close behind them... shutting Cheney and the other troops out of the docking bay. A Stormtrooper lies dead at the feet of his onrushing compatriots, as Sergeant Smith charges, getting dangerously close. Qusai starts for the advancing troops, as Solo and Ali move up the ramp into the ship. He fires, hitting one of the regular Stormtroopers, who crumples to the floor. But Smith is almost upon him, and Qusai is not yet aware of the danger posed by the unarmed, red eyed Sergeant.

BEN'S VOICE: Run, Qusai! Run!

Qusai looks around to see where the voice came from. He turns toward the ship, ducking Imperial gunfire from the troopers and races into the ship, the ramp closing just before Smith can reach it. Meanwhile, Darth Cheney slices through the door, blasting it resoundingly out of the way with his nukesaber, allowing the rest of the Stormtroopers to crowd in around him, firing at the ship (and their bolts streak into space or hit the floor). Smith picks up the rifle from a fallen soldier.

Inside the Morpheus Falcon, Udai pulls back on the controls and the ship begins to move. The dull thud of laserbolts can be heard bouncing off the outside of the ship as Jewie adjusts his controls.

UDAI SOLO: Damn, that Smith thing's a thousand times as dangerous as regular Stormtroopers! His aim's good enough to actually hit something the size of this freighter. I hope the old man got that tractor beam out if commission, or this is going to be a real short trip. Okay, hit it!

Jewbacca growls in agreement.

UDAI SOLO: Oh, just one thing before I go, though...

The Morpheus Falcon powers out of the MOAB Star docking bay, but then makes a spectacular tight turn and glides back sideways in front of the docking bay, facing inwards again.

SERGEANT SMITH: [Angry disbelief] No.

Udai opens fire with the front lasers of the Falcon, firing a near solid stream of rapid bursts, ripping through the ranks of Stormtroopers. The ship tilts and turns very slightly as the laser beam sweeps through the troops, slicing them in half with energy as Smith continues to fire at the cockpit, and dives sideways, nearly dodging the stream before it adjusts and cuts through him as well. Darth Cheney stands there as the starships weapons (two orders of magnitude more powerful than any infantry blaster) blast grooves in the docking bay, vaporize his troops, and then aim for him. The Sith Lord calmly angles his nukesaber to catch the beam, deflecting the shots away from him. But within a few seconds, he has found the right angle to deflect the beam back at the Morpheus Falcon, scoring its sides. Udai is forced to stop firing before Cheney can aim the fire back into the cockpit. He maneuvers the Falcon away from the docking bay, zooms away from the MOAB-Star and then the ship vanishes into hyperspace.

The Dark Lord is left standing in the docking bay, surrounded by battle damage and scorched white-armored corpses, the electric glow of Sergeant Smith abandoning a body, and one startled Storm-Reporter creeping out from behind Darth Cheney. The reporter glances down at his dead cameraman, then back up at the imposing figure who survived the attack. He drops his holovision microphone and pulls out his tape recorder.

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: Lord Cheney, you have just survived two harrowing attacks upon your person and defeated a known and highly wanted rebel. Do you have any reaction? What do you plan to do with the 25 million dollar boun-...

His sentence is cut off as Cheney, still standing still looking out at the empty void beyond the docking bay, telekinetically launches the reporter up and away sideways, blowing him right through the plate-glass window into the docking bay control center. After another moment of silence, the Dark Lord turns on the spot with an impressive flourish of his black cape, and strides out of the destroyed room.

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: [Faintly] Ow... I'll take that as a "No Comment".

No flash

-
----------
HYPERSPACE: MORPHEUS FALCON
----------
-

Safely in hyperspace, Udai removes his gloves and smiles, taking his hands off the controls of the ship.

UDAI SOLO: Not a bad bit of rescuing, huh? You know, sometimes I even amaze myself.

JEWBACCA: P@thiy. Hennah natharrrrr...

UDAI SOLO: Easy... you call that easy?

PRINCE ALI: I almost DIED!

JEWBACCA: Hennah radaph. Yada' raq nagad. Radaph 'aqob.

UDAI SOLO: There's no way they are tracking this ship, bro. I have the best antivirus software possible for a ship this size, and I've made a few modifications of my own... even PORN sites can't leave cookies in my system.

Frustrated, Jewie shakes his head and moans.

JEWBACCA: Rab chowrrrr min 'arubba

PRINCE ALI: At least the information in MP-3 is still intact.

UDAI SOLO: What's so important? What's he carrying?

PRINCE ALI: Well, he's kinda carrying the, er, technical readouts of that battle station. The rebels need his files to sabotage that thing. It's not over yet!

UDAI SOLO: It is for me, sister! Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money!

PRINCE ALI: Stop calling me Princess!

As Ali storms out, Qusai passes him, entering the cramped cockpit.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Did I hear right? Is MP-3 smuggling the data to blow up that fortress?

UDAI SOLO: Like I care. As long as I get paid my other fifteen from you, and a freakin' fortune from him, all is right in the universe as far as I'm concerned.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: We'll see if thats how you feel after the Empire conquers the galaxy with that station, and cranks up oil prices so high that small operators like you won't be able to fly.

UDAI SOLO: Then I'll steal enough oil to keep going, or just fly for them. I'm a survivor kid, and I survive by not taking sides.

JEWBACCA: [Comforting] Huw' rak. Huw' shuwb yasha' 'im tsorek.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: BIG-RED-BUTTON ROOM
----------
-

Darth Cheney strides into the control room, where Tarfeld is watching the huge view screen. A sea of stars is before him.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Are they away?

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] They have just made the jump into hyperspace.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: You're sure the homing worm has infected their ship? I'm taking an awful risk, Cheney. This had better work.

DARTH CHENEY: Don't worry. [BEEP BEEP] Their computer is uploading navigational data to our server, and I even have a backdoor into his hard drive. [BEEP BEEP] His diary entries are hilarious...

-
----------
SPACE: YEMEN IV
----------
-

The Morpheus Falcon drifts into orbit around the planet Yemen and proceeds to one of its tiny green moons. Soon, the starship is soaring over the dense jungle. Rotting in a forest of gargantuan trees, an ancient temple lies shrouded in an eerie mist. The air is heavy with the fantastic cries of unimaginable creatures. Udai, Qusai and the others are greeted by the Rebel troops. Qusai and the group, riding a military speeder, glide to a stop in a huge spaceship hangar, set up in the interior of the crumbling temple. General Hawking, the commander of the Rebel forces, rolls up to the group in his motorized wheelchair. The quadraplegic officer's synthesized voice fails to convey his relief at the Prince's return.

GENERAL HAWKING: [To Ali] yOU are SAfe. we had FEARED THE worst.

Hawking's computerized voice isn't quite monotone, but it places emphasis in all the wrong places.

GENERAL HAWKING: when WE heard About afghaNERAAN, we were AFraid THAT you were LOST Along with your FAther.

PRINCE ALI: They blew it up right in front of my eyes! Now I'm the only one left. We only barely escaped with our lives...

UDAI SOLO: Thanks to my brilliant shooting and piloting...

JEWBACCA: [Mirthful] 'iweleth zadown.

UDAI SOLO: [Accustomed to translating] Jewie says...

GENERAL HAWKING: [Understanding without Udai's help] you are CORrect jewBACca. THEY MUST have tracked yOU. it is THE ONly exPLANAtion for the EASE OF your EScape. our ONly hope IS THE DAta conCEALED in that LITTLE droid. come HOOK him up TO our LAN...

UDAI SOLO: So, who do I see to get paid around here?

-
----------
SPACE: FAR SIDE OF YEMEN
----------
-

The surface of the MOAB Star ominously approaches the yellow planet Yemen. In the Big-Red-Button room, Tarfeld and Lord Cheney are interrupted in their discussion by the buzz of the comlink.

INTERCOM VOICE: We are approaching the planet Yemen. The Rebel base is on a moon on the far side. We are preparing to orbit the planet.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Thank you Miss Moneypenny, that'll be all for now. [To Darth Cheney] You were right. Now the Rebels will have the confrontation they've been waiting for - the perfect chance to test their AK-47s and outdated fighters against our MOAB Cannon.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] Have the repair crews solved the radiation leak in the executive dining hall yet?

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: I'm afraid not. All I get are the same lazy teamster excuses. "What you ask is impossible... I need more men..." Blah, blah, blah.

DARTH CHENEY: Hmm... [BEEP BEEP] Perhaps we should invite Admiral Powers to dinner.

-
----------
YEMEN IV: TEMPLE WAR ROOM
----------
-

General Hawking sits before a large electronic wall display. Ali and several other dignitaries are to one side of the giant readout. The low-ceilinged room is filled with starpilots, navigators, and a sprinkling of astro-mech droids much like MP-3. Everyone is listening intently to Hawking's robot-like synthesized voice. Udai and Jewbacca are standing near the back.

GENERAL HAWKING: the mo-AB star is HEAvily ARmored and carRIES A firepowER GREAter than half the star FLEET. its DEfenses are deSIGNED Around a DIrect large-SCALE ASSault. a small one-MAN FIGHter should be Able to SNEAK BY the outER DEfense.

GOLD LEADER: Pardon me for questioning your genius, sir, but what good are snub fighters going to be against that?

GENERAL HAWKING: well, THE EMpire doesn't CONSIder a small FIGHter to BE ANY threat, or their DEfense would BE TIGHTer. I have Analysed THE PLANS proVIDED BY prince ALI and have DIScovered A WEAKness.

MP-3 hooks up to the rebel LAN, and turns his head from right to left.

MP-3: #WEAKEST MOMENTS by John Mellencamp#

GENERAL HAWKING: acCORding to MY CALCULAtions, there is A VENTILAtion shaft which can BE TARGETed. I call it A HAWking hole... all YOU need to DO is to maNEUver down THIS NARROW winDING trench, dodge the IMPERial triPLE-A fire for seveRAL KILOmeters, and hit a TWO MEter wide TARget.

GOLD LEADER: How the HELL are we supposed to do THAT!

GENERAL HAWKING: that IS UP TO you. I am just a THEoreTIcian. now, a PREcise hit will SET up a CHAIN REACtion which WILL DEstroy the batTLE STAtion. the SHAFT is RAY-SHIELded, so yOU'll have to USE scud TORPEdoes, armed with proTON WARheads.

SLICK WILLIE: [Quietly] That's impossible, even for a computer.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Hushed] Didn't you use to be somebody important in the Empire?

SLICK WILLIE: Yeah, I was elected twice, but the current administration isn't big on democracy...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Anyway it's not impossible. I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-sixteen back home. They're not much bigger than two meters.

SLICK WILLIE: [Hushed] Well you weren't using Scuds. They have a target radius bigger than my... er... mouth. [Sarcastic] But they ARE guaranteed to land within 50 miles of the target...

GOLD LEADER: [Standing to address the room] You guys heard the General... what we're looking for is the "golden BB".

GENERAL HAWKING: preCISEly.

One of the General's aides charges into the room, and whispers something to him. Hawking turns back to the group, looking more serious, though there is no change in his robotic voice:

GENERAL HAWKING: and now is THE PERfect time to put my THEories inTO PRACtice. the mo-AB star is APPROAching. MAN YOUR ships! and may the WAY of meGA-DEStiny be WITH you!

GOLD LEADER: [Using all his rhetorical prowess] This is our time. We need a one-in-a-million shot, so each and every one of us is going to go out there, and do our job, and each man who comes back will come back a hero! To your fighters!

SLICK WILLIE: Yeah, just BANG! In and out before they know we were there...

-
----------
MOAB STAR: BIG-RED-BUTTON-ROOM
----------
-

The Death Star begins to move around the planet toward the tiny green moon. Tarfeld and Cheney watch the computer projected screen with interest, as a circle of lights intertwines around one another on the screen showing it's position in relation to Yemen and the fourth moon.

HELMSMAN: Orbiting the planet at maximum velocity. The moon with the Rebel base will be in range in thirty minutes.

DARTH CHENEY: This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of Ben Laden and it will soon see the end of the Rebellion. [BEEP BEEP] ...and I found 10 credits stuck to the bottom of my boot.

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: This is Jerry Springer, reporting live from the Imperial command center aboard the MOAB Star; the secret weapon revealed only days ago with the catechlismic destruction of Afghaneraan. Right now, Lord "Darth" Cheney is predicting a historic victory, saying that the Rebel scum will be crushed beneath his heel...

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] Do NOT paraphrase me! [BEEP BEEP] Now get OUT!

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: And there you have it. The Dark Lord is requesting the media leave the room to avoid revealing mission-critical information which could put Imperial soldiers at risk. As a neutral observer, I must respect their desire to...

DARTH CHENEY: That's not what I said you [BEEP BEEP] imbecile! Give me that camera! [BEEP]

-
----------
YEMEN IV: REBEL BASE HANGAR BAY
----------
-

Hurriedly, Qusai, FU-2 and little MP-3 rush through the huge spaceship hangar, along a long line of banged up starfighters. Flight crews buzz around loading last-minute armaments and unlocking power couplings. In an area isolated from this activity Qusai finds Udai and Jewbacca next to some empty boxes.

LOUDSPEAKER: All flight troops, man your stations. All flight troops, man your stations.

Udai is deliberately ignoring the activity of the fighter pilots' preparation. Qusai is disappointed at the sight of his ally's departure.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: So... you got your reward and you're just leaving then?

UDAI SOLO: Hell, you bet I'm getting out of here as soon as I can, but actually I don't have the reward yet. That deadbeat Prince has been real scarce, plus you owe me the rest of the fee the old man promised us...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Come on! Why don't you take a look around? We're fighting a tyrannical regime... we're fighting for freedom! They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them.

UDAI SOLO: What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, attacking that gigantic battle station ain't my idea of courage. It's more like suicide. Now where's our money? I'd hate to have to tell Jewie to rip your arms off...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: All right, then, here you go!

Fishing in his pockets for a few seconds, Qusai produces a handful of coins and slaps them into Udai's outstretched palm.

UDAI SOLO: What the hell is this? This is less than twenty bucks!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Its exactly what Ben promised you: two thousand up front, and fifteen on arrival. Well, there's your fifteen credits. I hope it buys you peace of mind...

The young pilot storms off.

UDAI SOLO: What? No seriously, my money!

JEWBACCA: [To Qusai] 'al da'ag. Udai shuwb yasha' 'im tsorek.

Turning back for a moment, Qusai sees the Wook-oy wink at him. Unlike Jewie, who seems undisturbed, Udai shakes his fist, quivering with rage.

UDAI SOLO: He's not serious? What're you lookin' at, Jewie? Tear him a new one! Or something!

Making his way rapidly across the hangars, Qusai finds Ali and General Hawking waiting near the fighter assigned to him.

PRINCE ALI: What's wrong?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I don't know, I really thought he'd change his mind. But that Udai only cares about his damn money. I shouldn't even have given him the fifteen creds... I mean, we hired him to fly us to Afghaneraan, and its not like we ever arrived there. The destination doesn't even exist anymore.

PRINCE ALI: He's got to follow his own path. No one can choose it for him.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Oh yeah, he's looking for you too. He kinda expects a reward for rescuing you... you being a Prince and all...

PRINCE ALI: [Looking around nervously] Re-re-reward? Uh, yeah... well, I've been me-meaning to... you know...

In the distance, there is an abrupt roar, as Jewbacca might make if he stubbed his toe. Startled and fearful, the gallant Prince bolts. As Qusai prepares to board his ship, another pilot - an old aquaintance - rushes up to him and grabs his arm.

BINKS: Qusai! Meesa not believin' it! Howd yousa gettin' here... is'n yousa going out with us?!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Looking disappointed] Binks! I had no idea you were here... Of course, I'll be up there with you!

Red Leader, a rugged handsome man in his forties, comes up behind Qusai and Binks. He has the confident smile of a born leader, and an atrociously thick Russian accent.

RED LEADER: Are you beingk Qusai Scudwalker? You have been checked out on Incom Mig-sixty-five, no?

BINKS: Sir, Qusai is being da best bushpilot in da whoooole outer rim, me says.

The Gungan stretches his arms wide to emphasize the "whole" outer rim. Red Leader pats Qusai on the back as they stop in front of his fighter.

RED LEADER: [Skeptical] Da? Well, Binks says you are good, and for that I should ground you. [Good humoured] But you have good last name... just like our torpedoes, and you look like smart kid, so I let you fly. You'll do all right.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Thank you, sir. I'll try.

BINKS: Meesa got to get aboard. Yousa tellin' me aaaall yousa stories when we gets back. Okee-dokeee-day?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Rolling eyes] Sure... whatever...

BINKS: [Heading off] It'sa gonna be just like old times, Qusai. Togetha, dey'sa never be stoppin' us!

Qusai laughs and shakes his head in agreement. He heads for his ship. As he begins to climb up the ladder into his sleek, deadly spaceship, the crew chief, who is working on the craft, points to little MP-3, who is being hoisted into a socket on the back of the fighter.

CHIEF: This astromech unit of yours seems a bit beat up. Do you want a new one?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Not on your life! That little droid and I have been through a lot together. You okay, MP-3?

MP-3: #HOOK IT UP by Master P#

The crewmen lower MP-3 into the craft. His dome now protruding from the exterior shell of the starship, the little droid beeps that he is fine. Qusai climbs up into the cockpit of his fighter and puts an his helmet. FU-2 looks on from the floor of the massive hangar as the crewmen secure his little electronic partner into Qusai's X-wing. It's an emotion-filled moment as MP-3 beeps good-bye.

FU-2: Hang on tight, MP-3, you've got to come back. You wouldn't want my life to get boring, would you?

All final preparations are made for the approaching battle. A signalman, holding red guiding lights, directs the ships. Qusai pulls down his goggles as he taxies out, when he hears a ghostly message.

BEN LADEN'S VOICE: Qusai, the Way will be with you.

Confused at the voice, Qusai taps his headphones and continues on out the runway.

----------

The Prince, FU-2, and General Hawking sit quietly before the giant display showing the planet Yemen and its four moons. The red dot that represents the MOAB Star moves ever closer to the system. A series of green dots appears around the fourth moon.

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE: Stand-by alert. MOAB Star approaching. Estimated time to firing range, fifteen minutes.

PRINCE ALI: So, when do we leave?

GENERAL HAWKING: we will EVACuate as SOON as the moAB star IS DEstroyed. this BASE is no lonGER SAFE, now THAT the EMpire knows it's loCAtion...

PRINCE ALI: No, I mean when do WE leave just in case our fighters fail. 'Cause if they don't get that "golden BB", that thing is going to annihilate this moon, and we don't want to be here when it happens.

The General rotates his robotic wheelchair to face Ali, and tries to put a condescending expression on his paralyzed face, though the best he can do is to twitch the corners of his mouth.

GENERAL HAWKING: no ONE is goING ANYwhere. [As an afterthought] yOU PUSsy.

-
----------
SPACE: ORBITING YEMEN
----------
-

The MOAB Star slowly moves behind the massive yellow surface of Yemen, as many X-wing fighters flying in formation zoom toward it. Red Leader lowers his visor and adjusts his gun sights, looking to each side at his wing men.

RED LEADER: All wingks report in.

RED EIGHT: Red Eight standing by.

RED THREE: Red Three standing by.

SEVEN OF NINE: Red Seven standing by.

BINKS: Red Threesa standin' by out here.

PORKINS: [Eating a hotdog] Red Six standing by.

RED NINE: [Imitating Red Leader's accent] Red Nyet standing by.

SLICK WILLIE: [Cocky drawl] Red Two standing at attention.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Red Five standing by.

MP-3, in position outside of the fighter, turns his head from side to side and makes beeping sounds. For once Qusai understands, since the little droid is wired into an onboard translator.

MP-3: #STAND BY YOUR MAN by Tammy Wynette#
[Ready for action, Master Qusai. Now lets kick some Imperial ass!]

RED LEADER: Lock your wessel's S-foils in attack position, and switch to silent runningk.

SEVEN OF NINE: You are of course aware that sound does not travel in space...

The fighters, now X-shaped darts, move in formation. The MOAB Star now appears to be a small moon growing rapidly in size as the Rebel fighters approach. Complex patterns on the metallic surface begin to become visible. A large crater dish antenna is built into the surface on one side.

SLICK WILLIE: Look at the size of that thing! Hoo-boy, ah'm used to hearing that, not saying it.

RED NINE: You mean you didn't say that when you saw that intern?

RED LEADER: Cut the chatter. I mean radio silent mode... only essential transmissions, nikulturny! Accelerate to attack speed!

As the fighters move closer to the MOAB Star, the awesome size of the gargantuan Imperial fortress is revealed. Half of the deadly space station is in shadow and this area sparkles with thousands of small lights running in thin lines and occasionally grouped in large clusters.

GOLD LEADER: Red Leader, this is Gold Leader.

RED LEADER: Da, Gold Leader. I copy.

GOLD LEADER: We're starting for the target shaft now.

SLICK WILLIE: Now THAT ah've said before...

RED LEADER: Silence! I'm going to cut across the axis and try to drawingk their fire. Just like Stalingrad maneuver...

The two squads of Rebel fighters peel off. The X-wings dive towards the MOAB Star surface. A thousand lights glow across the dark gray expanse of the huge station. Within the battle station, alarm sirens scream as soldiers scramble to large turbo-missile gun emplacements. The huge launchers rotate into position as the crew adjust their targeting devices, and with gouts of flame fading rapidly into the void, they open fire.

Thousands of missiles streak through the star-filled night. The Rebel X-wing fighters move in toward the Imperial base, as the MOAB Star's point defence missiles rain upwards all around them.

----------

Back in the rebel warroom, Prince Ali paces back and forth in a panic, now that he realises they must win or die trying. With FU-2 at his side, General Hawking and the other officers listen in to the battle reports.

SLICK WILLIE'S VOICE: Enemy fire's gettin' hot and heavy boss! Twenty-three degrees.

RED LEADER's VOICE: Da, I am seeingk it. Stayingk low.

GENERAL HAWKING: and THEY say I HAVE a funNY voice...

----------

The X-wings continue in their attack course on the MOAB Star, splitting into wingman pairs to dodge the missile barrage. The missiles appear unguided, and most don't even come close to the fighters, trying vainly to aim at the little ships which cross the defenders' field of vision faster than the launchers can rotate to track them.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: This is Red Five! I'm going in!

His X-wing races toward the MOAB Star, spraying laserbolts from his weapons all over the surface, creating a huge fireball explosion on the dim surface as it detonates an external ammunition battery. Terror crosses Qusai's face as he realizes he won't be able to pull out in time to avoid the fireball.

BINKS VOICE: Qusai, pull yousa-self up!

Qusai's ship emerges from the fireball, with the leading edges of his wings slightly scorched. MP-3 beeps in an angry fashion.

MP-3: #BURNED by Neil Young#
[In the future, could you try to steer AWAY from explosions?]

BINKS: Is'n yousa okay?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I got a little cooked, but I'm okay. What kind of idiots would build a giant armored space station, then store their ammunition on the outside?

MP-3: #EAT THE RICH by Aerosmith#
[The kind of idiots who have infinite resources and money to burn. Now watch where you're flying!]

----------

As Rebel fighters continue to strafe the MOAB Star's heavily armored surface with laserbolts, inside there is no sign of damage, nor any disruption in the elevator music playing in the corridors. Standing in the middle of the Defensive Warroom, a vision of calm and foreboding, is Darth Cheney, hoping to see some explosions on the monitor.

NEW DECK OFFICER: We count about twenty Rebel ships, Lord Cheney. But they're so small they're evading our turbo-rockets, and they've begun blowing up our external missile racks.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Excuses, excuses. Those gunners couldn't hit the broad side of a planet. [BEEP BEEP] Deploy the fighters.

----------

In the Rebel war room, Prince Ali, surrounded by Rebel technicians, paces back and forth nervously. They all watch on miriad radar displays as Rebel fighters continue blasting the enemy's ammunition racks. Everything seems to be going well, without even any friendly casualties yet. On all sides technicians work in front of many lighted glass walls. Hawking watches quietly from one corner. One of the officers working over a screen speaks into his headset.

PRINCE ALI: [Cautiously optimistic] We're destroying their missiles? So... we're winning, right?

The General tries to respond sarcastically, but it doesn't come across too clearly in his usual duo-tonal synthesized voice.

GENERAL HAWKING: of COURSE WE are. ACCORding to my calCULAtions, at THIS rate we will HAVE DEstroyed all of THEIR AMMUNItion wiTHIN THREE weeks. yOU IDiot. if you WERE PAYing ATTENtion, you would KNOW that the SURface ATtack is ONly A DISTRACtion.

CONTROL OFFICER: Squad leaders, we've picked up a new group of signals. Enemy fighters coming your way.

----------

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: My scope's negative. I don't see anything.

RED LEADER: Da, these fighters have crap for radar. Keep up your visual scanningk. With all this jammingk, they'll be on top of you before scope can pick dem up.

A group of four TIE fighters come into view, and break off into pairs to engage the Rebel fighter pairs. Dogfights start up all over the battlefield, but Binks panics when he discovers a TIE fighter on his tail. The horizon twists around as he peels off, hoping to lose the Imperial fighter.

RED LEADER: Binks! You've picked one up... watch it! Don't be losingk my fighter!

BINKS: Meesa can't see it no more! Where-da he go?

Binks zooms off the surface and into space, closely followed by an attack fighter. The TIE fires several laserblasts at Binks, but misses. Binks sees the TIE ship behind him and swings around, trying to avoid him.

BINKS: He'sa on me tight, meesa can't shake him! Meesa can't shake him!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Almost regretfully] I gotcha covered.

Qusai's X-Wing swings by and pumps two shots into the TIE, blasting it into a fireball, which like all fire in space flared only briefly and disappeared.

----------

Darth Cheney strides purposefully down a Death Star corridor, flanked by Sergeant Smith and another Stormtrooper. He meets two pilots with custom helmets who are waiting at attention.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Several fighters have broken off from the main group. [BEEP] Come with me!

Just as they are about to set off, a familliar MOAB Star reporter runs up, with a new cameraman in tow.

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: ...And here we see Darth Cheney, preparing to board his custom Advanced Prototype TIE fighter, to engage in a deadly personal contest with the Rebels. Lord Cheney: do you have anything to say to the Imperial public before you risk your very life in military conflict?

DARTH CHENEY: NO! [BEEP BEEP] But I may have some exclusive footage for you.

Before the white-armored reporter can begin to thank him, Darth Cheney concentrates on him, and the reporter's body is launched sideways and out through a bay window. The telekinetic force shatters the glassteel window, designed to withstand not only the vaccuum and radiation of outer space, but also designed to absorb multiple hits from starship blasters. As the reporter is shoved through, helmet first, a huge suction force is created, and although Smith and Cheney stand their ground, his wingmen are forced to grab nearby pipes and barely manage to hold on until the blast shield comes down, sealing the breached window. The cameraman loses his camera through the gap into space, and actually hits the blast door as it closes, knocking him unconscious, but narrowly avoiding the same fate as Jerry Springer. The pressure in the room equalizes, and the shaken pilots quickly regain their feet and composure, and follow the Sith Lord as he resumes walking toward his personal docking bay.

DARTH CHENEY: How long do you think he'll last on the armor's self contained air supply? [BEEP BEEP]

SERGEANT SMITH: All Stormtrooper armor uses an identical design...

WINGMAN 1: [Nasal breather mask voice] So no more than two hours.

DARTH CHENEY: That long, huh? [BEEP BEEP] Oh well.

As he continues down the corridor, Smith stops and looks towards the window. Tilting his head a little to the side he raises his hand to the side of his helmet, where the communicator is.

SERGEANT SMITH: [To himself] They're not out yet...

----------

By now the space around the MOAB Star is filled with a cloud of TIE fighters, with more still issuing from within. The X-Wings lose all hint of formation as desperate dogfighting begins, but according to Hawking's battle plan, Gold Squadron is hanging back. The Y-Wings are grouped tightly together, covering each other against the occasional stray TIE that comes in range, but most of the Imperial pilots ignore them to hit the scattered and divided X-Wings, especially since they are attacking the MOAB Star, while Gold Squadron keep their distance.

SLICK WILLIE: Watch your back, Qusai! Fighter's above you, coming in!

Qusai's ship soars away from the Death Star's surface as he spots the tailing TIE fighter. The TIE opens fire, coming perilously close to hitting when it is suddenly vaporised by a friendly missile from the MOAB Star's point defense. In the frantic melee, though, it takes only seconds for two more fighters to take the TIEs place. Opening fire with their green lasers, their hail of fire manages to score a glancing hit on the right side of Qusai's X-wing.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Looking at his wing] I'm hit, but not bad. MP-3, see what you can do with it. Hang on back there.

MP-3: #JUNK by Wings#
[Rerouting power around the damaged converter. You may experience a 15% decrease in starboard thrust output for about 5 seconds...now!]

RED LEADER: Can you see Red Five?

SEVEN OF NINE: There was a brief burst of flame from his side. Red Five, where are you?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Craning his neck to look behind him] I can't shake them! Oh, where's that enemy missile fire when I need it...

Changing strategy, Qusai dips closer to the surface of the Death Star, weaving back and forth between the missile towers. The TIE fighters just won't let up though... Slick Willie is whipping by towers on a different trajectory, trying desperately to get there in time.

SLICK WILLIE: I'm on him like Lewinsky on a hotdog. Hold on Qusai!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Blast it! Willie where are you?

As the TIEs' fire gets closer and closer, Qusai maneuvers more and more frantically, until he (and his pursuers) pull a hairpin turn around a defense tower. As they pull around, Qusai flinches seeing Willie's fighter coming straight towards him, whipping overhead with only a few feet of clearance. Willie pumps two shots straight into the surprised TIE fighters and flies right through the resulting fireball.

SLICK WILLIE: Yeeeehaw!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Holy crap, Willie! You're friggin dangerous! But thanks...

SLICK WILLIE: Ha! That's exactly what the ladies say...

----------

Miles away, near a different part of the MOAB Star, Red Six and Seven are frantically eluding a thick swarm of TIEs. Seven of Nine's fighter makes a complex and continuously changing series of maneuvers and adjustments to dodge the enemy fire, but Porkins' Red Six just barely keeps up, occasionally jerking back and forth and seemingly surviving by sheer luck.

SEVEN OF NINE: Why are you deviating from the attack pattern we discussed.

PORKINS: What? I didn't hear that... just hold on a sec - my Pop Tarts are ready.

SEVEN OF NINE: IRRELEVANT! We are conducting an important mission and it is essential that we... [Hears something over the com] Is that popcorn popping?

Inside Porkins' cockpit, the overweight pilot (with half a Pop Tart sticking out of his mouth to keep his hands free), takes one hand off the control stick and reaches across to the microwave bolted up beside his head on the left. Opening the door he pulls out the steaming bag of porpcorn.

PORKINS: Ow! Hot... Hot...! Listen, after we blow this thing, you think you'd be free. You know, Friday night... to catch a movie with me or something?

SEVEN OF NINE: Unlikely. Watch out!

Porkins pulls his other hand off the stick for a moment to open the bag of popcorn. His fighter veers to the left and up, narrowly dodging a missile tower as the fighter that had been so close on his tail fails to pull out in time, crashing into the tower in a huge explosion. With a deft burst of reverse thrust, Seven drops back behind their pursuers and gliding to the right her fighter's cyebernetically precise barrage of fire wipes out a half-dozen TIEs in the amount of time it takes Porkins to regain control.

SEVEN OF NINE: [Almost hostile] Are you alright?

PORKINS: [Munching audibly] Yeah I'm fine. I'm under control...

The pudgy pilot puts one hand back on the stick and puts himself back on course. His field of view is cut down noticeably by the microwave on one side, and the mini-fridge on the other, but the tunnel vision caused by his custom equipment doesn't seem to bother him. He has less than a second to see a small white object spinning through space to intercept his path, before it collides with his windshield. The impact shatters the glassteel, and for a brief instant Porkins sees the Stormtrooper armor laying across his cracked cockpit canopy before a holovision camera hits the glass and the vacuum blows the cockpit open.

PORKINS: AAARRRGH...

The armored body is sent hurtling away by the force amidst a cloud of popcorn, as Porkins' fighter lurches downward and collides with the MOAB Star surface is a massive fireball. As Seven of Nine witnesses the destruction of he wingman and corrects course accordingly, she catches a glint of red eyes on the Stormtrooper as he spins by through the void.

SEVEN OF NINE: Interesting.

The seemingly endless swarm of TIE fighters gathering around the MOAB Star is beginning to suffer heavy casualties, mostly from friendly anti-fighter missile fire. But for every volley of Patriot rockets that wipes out two TIEs, four more of the agile craft arrive to fill in. The evil battle station's launch bays continue to pump out fighters into the clogged airspace with no end in sight, so Gold Leader picks this moment to peel off and start toward the long trenches at the MOAB Star surface pole.

GOLD LEADER: ... This is Gold Leader. We're starting our attack run.

----------

Ali and the others are grouped around the screen, as technicians move about. Three Y-wing fighters of the Gold group dive out of the stars toward the Death Star surface.

LOUDSPEAKER: Gold Squadron is beginning their run.

TECHNICIAN: We've suffered our first casualty.

GENERAL HAWKING: it was PORkins, WASn't it...

TECHNICIAN: Afraid so sir...

LOUDSPEAKER: MOAB Star will be within range in 5 minutes.

PRINCE ALI: Oh god... We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!

GENERAL HAWKING: YOUR FAther was A GREAT man. someTIMES I WONder if you WERE Adopted...

----------

Three Imperial TIE fighters leave the docking bay in precise formation. Swinging around in a tight U-turn, they dive back toward the MOAB Star surface. Inside his cockpit, Darth Cheney calmly adjusts his control stick as he pulls up the command interlink on his console. On the tiny repeater screen is displayed the realtime battlefield status, using the sensors all around the space station to plot the exact numbers, coordinates, and movement vectors.

DARTH CHENEY: Stay in attack formation! [BEEP BEEP] With our advanced battlefield intelligence, it won't even be a battle.

WINGMAN 1: Yes, sir.

DARTH CHENEY: And have those missile batteries shut down! [BEEP] I've had enough friendly fire for one day.

Cheney rubs his shoulder, remembering an earlier encounter. He throttles forward, accelerating towards the location of Gold Squadron.

Unaware of this, Gold Leader approaches the surface and pulls out to skim the surface of the huge station. The ship moves into a deep trench. The trench wall missile batteries open up with massive salvoes, missing the rebel fighters somehow, but filling the trench with smoke trails that block vision even as they dissipate quickly into the void. A squadron of TIEs see the offensive and follow Gold Squadron into the trench, and their concentrated fire destroys one of the Y-wings before the rebels can react. But just as quickly, the mass of rocket fire down the trench rips into the TIEs... the Imperial aim is unable to hit the rebels, and the missiles have nowhere else to go except for the walls of the trench and the friendly TIE fighters. In seconds the TIE squadron is wiped out.

GOLD LEADER: [Solemn] We've lost Tyree, but that's the end of those fighters. Switch power to front deflector shields.

The two remaining Y-wings zip down the trench at high speeds, careful not to dodge lest they accidentally stray into the seemingly cursed enemy missile fire. Gold Leader activates his targeting computer, and the heavy computerized monocle extends in to place in front of his face.

As the fighters begin to approach the target area, suddenly all the missile fire stops. An eerie clam clings over the trench as the surface whips past in a blur.

GOLD TWO: The guns... they've stopped!

GOLD LEADER: Stabilize your rear deflectors. Watch for enemy fighters.

The upgraded starfighters of Darth Cheney and his two wingmen descend from above, tracking the rebels' positions off the scanner network. The dark warrior reaches out to the touch screen and taps the enemy targets each once with a black-clad finger.

DARTH CHENEY: I'll take them myself. [BEEP BEEP] Cover me!

WINGMAN 1: Yes, sir.

The trio of Advanced TIEs scream up the trench at top speed, coming into visual range of the rebel Y-wing fighters. Gold Leader sees the flickering dots show up on his scanner. Like a ghost image, the dots fade away immediately, but the seasoned rebel fighter jock knows all too well what it means.

GOLD LEADER: We've got Imperial stealth fighters behind us... [Panicking] I can't maneuver!

GOLD FIVE: Stay on target.

GOLD LEADER: Are you nuts? They're gonna blow us out of the sky... we have to abort the run!

GOLD FIVE: Stay on target.

The elite TIEs are zooming closer and closer, and as they overtake the rebels they rise up above the trench. Gold Five loses sight of them and realizes this is the end.

GOLD FIVE: They came from behind....

Darth Cheney, his weapons already locked on, taps the fire button, and his fighter unleashes twin red laser beams, which each slice through one target and keep going, scaring the armor of the MOAB Star with vicious grooves. The Y-wings, each hit dead center by the computer targeting system, break apart with their wing modules flying off into the sides of the trench as the cockpits are vaporized. With the enemy ships anihilated, the lasers shut down automatically.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] All too easy... [BEEP]

The Dark Lord of the Sith pulls a lever below his chair and it reclines, allowing him to put his arms back behind his head while the autopilot repositions his fighter for another run. His wingmen follow along obediently.

----------

Tarfeld and his Imperial Security Advisor stand in B.R.B. control room, observing the display that shows how close the MOAB Star is to having a clear shot at Yemen's fourth moon.

IMPERIAL SECURITY ADVISOR: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. You should head down to your private escape pod while it is still safe to...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances!

Tarfeld turns to the computer readout screen. Red lines move around the green disk at the center of the screen, as numbers read across the bottom.

INTERCOM: Rebel base, three minutes and closing.

IMPERIAL SECURITY ADVISOR: But if we do need to escape, it has to be before...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Not interested.

IMPERIAL SECURITY ADVISOR: But your escape pod is located in the...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: [Interupting] ...Overestimate...

IMPERIAL SECURITY ADVISOR: ...But during the last firing...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: [Interupting rapidly] ...Moment of Triumph!

Tarfeld raises his hand, closing the subject. With a sigh, the Imperial Security Advisor gives up on him, making for her own escape pod.

----------

Lord Cheney soars in a majestic loop over a part of the MOAB Star.

DARTH CHENEY: It must be the Y-wing fighters which carry the heavy warheads. [BEEP BEEP] I will take out the rest of them before they can act.P

WINGMAN 1: What about the X-wings, sir?

DARTH CHENEY: They are better ship-to-ship fighters. [BEEP] They must be there to distract us.

----------

In the rebel war room, General Hawking surveys the situation carefully, taking into account all the reports.

PRINCE ALI: They killed 'em! We're doomed! I think I'm gonna throw up...

FU-2: Do you ever think anything you don't say?

GENERAL HAWKING: [Ignoring them] we must PROceed at ONCE. FAILure is NOT AN OPtion.

----------

RED LEADER: Copy, Base One. Qusai, takingk Red Two and Three. Holdink position here and wait for signal in case we are failingk.

The X-wing fighters of Qusai, Binks, and Willie break formation high above the Death Star's surface, leaving Red One, Nine and Ten to make their attack run. In moments, Red Leader's X-wing drops down into the trench leading to the exhaust port. Red Leader looks around to watch for the TIE fighters. He begins to perspire.

But the fighter group he is worried about is too far to reach him at the moment. Darth Cheney and his wingmen are cruising straight towards the remnants of Gold Squadron. The remaining seven Y-wings were trying to avoid contact, but seeing the sleek black fighters approach, they realise that seven on three odds aren't good enough to win, and they split off in separate directions.

DARTH CHENEY: Oh no you don't... [BEEP BEEP]

Deftly jabbing each of the seven icons on his touch screen using his hunt-and-peck skills, Darth Cheney hits the fire button on his control stick. His fighter responds by propelling itself deep into the scattering formation, its twin red lasers scything through the rebel fighters on either side of him with lethal precision while his wingmen stuggle to keep up and to dodge the spray of Y-wing debris.

In seconds, five of the rebel fighters are destroyed, but a little red light flashes on Cheney's control panel, indicating that two of the targets are deviating out of the kill radius. Adjusting course, he brings his more agile craft back in range and his red beams vaporize the target Y-wing, but the remaining rebel is headed in the opposite direction and has gained some ground.

DARTH CHENEY: [Mildly irritated] Blasted computer! So be it, [BEEP BEEP] I'll fight you on your OWN LEVEL! [BEEP] Switching to manual...

Disabling his automated controls, Cheney grips the control stick properly and sets his reclining chair back to the upright position. He pulls into a sharp turn and doubles back towards the escaping Y-wing. His wingmen, as usual, are left scrambling to keep up.

Around the battlefield, the seemingly endless numbers of TIEs seem to have slacked off, having suffered at least 80% casualties from friendly missile fire, and lost a number of ships to rebel fighters as well. The remainder of the TIEs are trying to reorganize their broken formations.

Back at the trench, three of the Red Squadron X-wings, led by Red Leader, are accelerating down the trench. Without friendly fighters to worry about, the missile batteries around the attack run have started firing once more, but as usual, they seem powerless to hit the rebel fighters despite the confined space of the trench.

RED LEADER: Keepingk eye out for enemy fighters.

RED NINE: Copy Red Leader. Copy... Copy.. Coffee... Decaff please!

RED LEADER: Why I'm I stuck with da pilot with A.D.D.? Stay focused!

RED NINE: Focus, pocus... alakazam! I don't have A-D-D... Ooh! Pretty lights!

RED TEN: Approaching target zone.

As the X-wings approach the exhaust port identified by General Hawking, Red Leader activates his targetting computer. They are already nearing the target area when Cheney notices them on his battlefield display.

DARTH CHENEY: Those cheating worthless [BEEP BEEP]... NOBODY makes a fool of ME!

Still chasing down the last Y-wing, Cheney puts his fighter into a spin and switches on his twin lasers. The pair of red beams rotate along with him, cutting the retreating fighter's engine pods in half, leaving the middle unscathed. The pilot had a moment to contemplate his doom before the last Gold Squadron fighter exploded.

GOLD FOUR: They came from... behind...

The sleek TIE fighter of the Sith Lord has already made a hard turn and is accelerating to full speed in hopes of reaching the X-wings before their attack run can be completed. The black fighter streaks across the surface of the MOAB star, but the X-wings have a massive head start, and Red Leader is already lining up his shot on the targetting computer's crosshairs.

RED LEADER: Ready and... lettingk her go!

Red One launches its base-mounted Scud torpedo, and with its deadly proton warhead, the missile drops towards the opening. The three X-wings pull up rapidly.

----------

Everyone in the rebel command room huddle around the monitors watching their faint hopes coalesce...

GENERAL HAWKING: is it A hit? red LEAder rePORT IN...

RED LEADER'S VOICE: Nyet, it just impacted on surface. Computer said it was dead-on... STUPID WORTHLESS COMPUTER! IT HAS DOOMED US ALL!

GENERAL HAWKING: it IS MORE LIKEly that the FLAW is in THE TORPEdo. scuds are NOT THE most ACcurate weaPONS.

PRINCE ALI: How can you be so calm! We're all gonna die! I don't want to die! [Grabs the General by the shirt] Do something!

Ali starts shaking the general's torso, while Hawking' head flops back and forth a little, but his eyes stay fixed on the Prince.

GENERAL HAWKING: NATURally. I will SIMply WALK UP there and disSASEMble the mo-AB STAR with MY BARE hands... yOU IDiot.

The wayward Prince stops shaking and looks at his hands, then looks around. Everyone in the room is staring at him in horrified disbelief, unable to imagine that somebody could be such a jerk. He slowly retracts his hands.

PRINCE ALI: I'm... sorry. I er...

GENERAL HAWKING: if I could FEEL THAT, I would not BE IN this chair. now GET HIM OUT of here, BEfore he starts waiLING Again.

HAWKING suddenly rolls his chair forward a little, stubbing Ali's toe, before several of the technicians grab him by the arms and drag him out of the war room.

PRINCE ALI: Ow! No wait... I don't want to die in some dark little room! Help! Oh GOD no....

GENERAL HAWKING: [Ignoring him now] RED LEAder. there IS LITtle time. orDER THE LAST run.

RED LEADER'S VOICE: Da General... Red Five; Qusai, it is beingk up to you now. Start your...

----------

His horrid russian accent is cut short for the last time by a thick red beam, and Darth Cheney flies through the resulting explosion. Parts of Red Leader's wingmen are already scattering outwards from the location.

Hearing the com go dead, Qusai looks out at the space around the MOAB star in horror, knowing it is now all up to him. Willie and Binks form up on him, so close they can see in each other's cockpits.

SLICK WILLIE: Man, you look like your wife just showed up.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I'm not married...

SLICK WILLIE: Well then, you look like MY wife just showed up...

BINKS: Yousa in charge now, Qusai. Whatsa weesa doin?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Snaps out of it] Right, we gotta make our attack run. [On general frequency] Is anyone left out there? Report in...

SEVEN OF NINE: Red Seven reporting. It appears that we four are the last ones. I will try to hold up those fighters while you three complete our mission.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: But you'll never make it!

SEVEN OF NINE: Irrelevent. If this run is not successful we will all be destroyed, including the base.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Right. Well, good hunting Red Seven. [Back to his wingmen] All right guys, we're going in, and we're going in full throttle.

SLICK WILLIE: There's no way you can hit anything at that speed... these Scuds will try anything to squirm loose. That baby's so inaccurate it'll probably hit Yemen.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: No choice, its the only way we'll have enough time.

The three X-wing pull into the trench and rev up to full power, blasting down the corridor. Darth Cheney's group isn't there yet, so the missile towers open fire with everything they've got left, but to no avail. Even though the fighters are moving far too fast to dodge in the narrow confines of the trench, Imperial aim kicks in again, and the many tons of missile ordinance whiz by harmlessly.

Meanwhile, as Cheney's fighter trio heads back to the trench, from out of nowhere, Seven starts shooting at his back. The TIEs quickly engage in evasive maneuvers, while her X-wing relentlessly pursues the leader.

DARTH CHENEY: Where did that come from! [BEEP BEEP] It didn't show up on my scanners...

SEVEN OF NINE: Borg encryption...

DARTH CHENEY: [Confused and angry] What the... [BEEP] Who is that? Why can I hear you on this frequency? [BEEP]

SEVEN OF NINE: I have hacked your communications network.

DARTH CHENEY: You fool! [BEEP BEEP] I'll show you why you shouldn't mess with the most powerful nation in the universe!

The Dark Lord drops back to get behind Seven, but she shifts to the right, then circles parallel to his flight path and matches his course. It is a brief but desperate dogfight as the "best starpilot in the galaxy" tries to best her cybernetic reflexes. It quickly becomes apparent the Seven of Nine is not trying to get behind him (as she would have to do to destroy him), but simply trying to match his every maneuver so that he can't get behind her fighter either, creating a stalemate. Darth Cheney's grunting and spastic beeping become louder and more frequent as he becomes frustrated. But his wingmen give him the advantage, as they also try to get behind Red Seven. Unable to match course with three fighters at once, she is forced to try and dodge the elite TIE pilots' shots while parroting Cheney's movements. For all her skill it appears to be a losing battle, but...

DARTH CHENEY: She's just wasting our time! [BEEP BEEP] We MUST stop the others. Black One and Two... [BEEP] box her in!

Changing strategy, Cheney's wingmen obediently move up as close as possible to Seven, restricting her movements in the hopes the the Dark Lord could get behind and finish her with his superior skill and weapons. Darth Cheney has an even more expedient solution though. Taking his hands off the controls for a moment, the Sith Lord raises his hands in front of him as though cradling a basketball. Concentrating, he pushes forward in a motion akin to throwing the ball, asserting his telekinetic might over his wingman. Black Two's fighter lurches and is hurled sideways into Red Seven, sending both craft plummeting to the MOAB Star surface in a flaming wreck.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] He wasn't much for conversation anyway. Now lets move - we have to stop them! [BEEP]

WINGMAN 1: [A little more nervously] Yes, sir.

----------

Tarfeld stands statue-like staring at the display screen.

INTERCOM: Rebel base, one minute and closing.

HELMSMAN: Sir, we have reports of more rebel craft making an attack. The last one was very close sir...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: [Wavering] Hmm... I want to witness this. But if there's really a risk... [Making up his mind] Very well, I'm leaving, but just as a precaution. If anyone asks, I was here the entire time. And I expect a full report when I return. Fire as soon as we come in range!

Tarfeld strides out calmly, then begins making his way down to his personnal escape pod hatch in the executive dining hall.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: [Mumbling to himself] It would be an embarassment, but it would be more embarassing if I somehow died to these worthless rebels. No, no one will ever know. We're going to win anyway, I'm just being... cautious...

----------

BINKS: Shesa lost da contact!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Solemn] Then its all up to us now...

SLICK WILLIE: I'm always up to it!

The three craft blast down the trench at high speed, with Qusai in the middle. Darth Cheney and his remaining wingman swing into the trench behind them in pursuit.

DARTH CHENEY: Full throttle! [BEEP] Their speed is futile against my fighter's power... [BEEP BEEP]

BINKS: Ooooh no! Deysa comin! Deysa behind us!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: There's only one way out of here, and its a direct hit on the exhaust port. Push your engines to the limit. MP-3, activate targeting computer.

MP-3: #ENGINE ENGINE 9 by Roger Miller#
[Overriding engine safeties to increase maximum output by 9%]

Darth Cheney's TIE is swooping up with ease, and as it reaches firing range for his cutting laser cannon, he opens fire on the leftmost X-wing. Red Two's left engine is cleaved right off, but with a last minute maneuver Willie successfully avoided having both engines blow off simultaneously.

SLICK WILLIE: I'm hit... I can't stay with you.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You can do anymore good back there, get clear Willie.

SLICK WILLIE: [Pulling his hobbled fighter up out of the trench] I am profoundly sorry...

BINKS: Damn meesa. Dat man can getsa outta anything!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Yeah, but I still like him...

DARTH CHENEY: Let him go! Stay on the leader...

They keep zipping forward, Qusai's fighter gaining slightly compared to Binks, thanks to MP-3's technical expertise. But Cheney's fighter seems easily able to keep pace. In his cockpit, he carefully lines up the crosshairs on Qusai's fighter.

DARTH CHENEY: I have you now... [BEEP BEEP] Wait, I feel a disturbance in the force... [BEEP] A GUNGAN!

Just as he achieved target lock on Qusai, he switches targets in his haste to wipe out the irritating alien. Locking in, he fires, one of his red beams slicing straight down the center of Binks' X-Wing, cleaving it in two by vaporizing the cockpit.

BINKS: AAaaaaaaaaarrgh... [Cut off]

DARTH CHENEY: Finally [BEEP BEEP]

Qusai cranes his neck around to face forward once more, having witnessed the destruction of his old friend... er... aquaintance. Now he is truly alone, and the distance to target is still too great.

The Dark Lord trains his weapons on Qusai once more, but with the others out of the way, the young rebel is able to dodge and weave, making a target lock more difficult.

DARTH CHENEY: The Way is strong with this one...

After a seemingly endless moment of struggle, one desperate pilot hoping beyond hope to evade the cool veteran, Darth Cheney manages to anticipate Qusai's movements and achieves a lock. However, as he concentrated on the task, he missed a small blip entering into range on his tactical display. Just as Cheney is about to fire...

UDAI SOLO: Yeeehaw!

JEWBACCA: Nagad 'attah!

DARTH CHENEY: What!

Four Scuds rain down from a hastily attached external rack on the Morpheus Falcon. The Falcon itself soars down with the sun behind it, which had prevented Darth Cheney's wingman from seeing them. Two of the wonky torpedoes curve off and detonate harmlessly against the MOAB Star's armor miles off target, but another explodes only hundreds of meters behind the fighters, and the fourth strikes true - relatively speaking - hitting the wall right beside Cheney's wingman, in a proton warhead explosion so large that the wingman's fighter is vaporised and even Darth Cheney is almost blown away. But unlike the other TIE fighters, Cheney's has powerful energy shields which absord the violence of the detonation and he rides the shockwave outwards, losing his stabilizers and spinning out of control through space, hyperventilating with rage, as his heartbeat goes erratic.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] Goddamn [BEEP BEEP]'n [BEEP BEEP] cheatin' assed [BEEP] and [BEEP] worthless [BEEP] I'm gonna [BEEP BEEP BEEP] !!!

UDAI SOLO: You're all clear kid! Now pop a cap in this motha so we can get back to business!

Qusai prepares to target the exhaust port, when he hears Osama Bin One's voice in his head.

BEN'S VOICE: Use the Way of Mega-Destiny, Qusai!

Catching on, Qusai turns off his targetting computer, and the complex binocular piece moves back into rest position.

UDAI SOLO: What are you doing? You'll never hit that thing without the computer... You aren't a master marksman like me, and even I only hit with one out of four Scuds back there!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Don't worry...

They are approaching the target, and will be in range in less than a minute, when Qusai feels something hit the back of his craft.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: MP-3? What was that?

But MP-3 doesn't answer. Outside, the little droid turns his head to see what is behind them. As it watches, a white armored hand reaches up over the back of the craft and grips down on top. Against all the G-forces, against all odds and hope, a grim-helmeted Stormtrooper pulls himself up onto the top of the X-wing. A Stormtrooper with red eyes.

Sergeant Smith crawls forward with inconcievable upper-arm strength, slowly bridging the gap towards the little droid, who is immobile within the fighter's casing, able to move only his head. MP-3 can hear the sentient program's voice transmitted to his head.

SERGEANT SMITH: You cannot escape me... cannot escape... your death. It is inevitable...

----------

In the MOAB Star's Big Red Button control room, firing operations have just commenced.

INTERCOM: Rebel base in range. Commence Primary Ignition.

The Helmsman punches the Big-Red-Button, which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded Imperial gunner reaches overhead and pulls a lever, then another. Another gunner reaches for still another lever and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up. The no-smoking sign in the command room lights up.

----------

Tarfeld has just reached the MOAB Star's executive Dining Hall, ignoring the warning signs put up about the continuing renovations, and not taking time to puzzle over the police caution tape, which has already been torn down. He is halfway through the dining room to the escape pod hatch, when he realizes he is not alone in the chamber...

ADMIRAL POWERS: Heya bossman, you're late. Darth Cheney's invitation said you two would be here five minutes ago. Boy, this place is even swankier than I thought...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Powers? [Sudden realization] Oh damn...

The no smoking sign lights up. The far wall (behind Powers) starts to glow faint green as though there were and immense source of power behind it... There is no time to go back, but the escape pod is essentially a small starship with radiation shielding, so the Moff tries to sprint towards his escape pod - but he can already feel the radiation burning him. How could I have forgotten!

----------

Outside, racing by the MOAB Star surface at high speed, Qusai approaches the target point, unaware that several meters behind him, MP-3 is staring death - and Sergeant Smith - in the face.

Smith's armored left arm reaches forward, almost at MP-3, and pulls his body up towards him. MP-3 looks out, seeing the enemy in the same manner that he percieves all things - as streams of photons and electronic impulses. The droid watches energy flow between systems and batteries, between engines and the X-wing's reactor, and he even sees and interprets the signals that coonvert the pilots control motions into course corrections via the ships inertial anchoring field and thrust vectoring. And, in the same way, MP-3 watches the impulses of Sergeant Smith's program pulse between the wiring of the Stormtrooper armor and the nervous system of the body within.

SERGEANT SMITH: Goodbye... Mr. Astromech.

Smith raises his right hand over his head, preparing to deliver a fatal crushing punch to the astromech droid. But before he can, MP-3 begins transmitting pulses through the hull of the X-wing into the wiring of the white armor in the hand and knees where Smith was touching the fighter. He snarls and quivers as he seems frozen in place for a moment, still holding up his fist like the sword of Damocles. But a bluish electric shock courses through his body, different than his usual coming and going. MP-3 silently watches his own program pull apart the electronic pulses that made up the Seargent, until suddenly the armor blows apart. An elbow guard here, a glove there, the white armor blows outward in every direction, bouncing off the walls of the trench, leaving exposed the stunned body of the reporter within. Embedded Storm-Reporter Springer tumbles backward off the X-wing as the vacuum of space sucks the remaining air from his lungs. MP-3 turns to face forward again.

Inside, Qusai closes his eyes as they are about to pass over the target. Feeling, rather than seeing, he hits the launch button and pulls up hard to avoid hitting the trench wall just past the exhaust port. The Scud torpedo, against all odds, drops straight down the narrow exhaust port, and rockets down the shaft towards the MOAB Star's central reactor.

Qusai's X-wing meets of with Willie's slower moving, crippled fighter, and they head outwards at full speed. Even as the evil battle station's laser cannon dish begins to glow with power, the Scud's proton warhead detonates against the inner reactor housing, deep within the moon-sized structure, and in a flash, the entire MOAB Star explodes in a gigantic nuclear fireball, its shockwave propelling debris all over the solar system.

Slick Willie gives Qusai a thumbs up as the younger pilot exhales in relief, and only now can they begin to contemplate all the friends lost in battle, and all the others they have saved. The Morpheus Falcon pulls up beside them as they turn around to head back to the rebel base.

Some distance behind them, a forlorn, empty Stormtrooper helmet spins through space, past some of the few escape pods which survived the blast, and the faint red glow of its eyes fades to black.

----------

Silent now except for a slow and laborious beeping of his pacemaker armor, Darth Cheney pulls manages to pull his fighter out of its spin, and sets a course for the nearest Imperial facility. He has seen the massive explosion behind him, and he veritably boils with rage... but he is also stretching out with the Way to look for pattern in the coincidences and surprises of the last few days.

-
----------
YEMEN IV: TEMPLE THRONE ROOM
----------
-

Qusai, Willie, Udai, and Jewbacca stride down the center aisle of the massive temple ruins. Hundreds of rebel troops are lined up in neat rows on either side. The leaders are in dress uniform, particularly Prince Ali standing next to General Hawking in his wheelchair. MP-3 and FU-2 stand off to the side. Qusai and the others solemnly march up the long aisle, but before they get to the end, Udai loses control and runs right up to Ali.

UDAI SOLO: Okay, cut the ceremony! You still owe me a big reward... but you've been dodging me since we got here. You said you were from a wealthy family!

PRINCE ALI: [Nervous] Y-y-yeah... their money was all in real estate... I don't really have any money now.

UDAI SOLO: No money? Then I'll settle for land, but it would have to be a lot for what I've gone through.

Prince Ali looks around nervously as the other heroes reach the dais (at a more dignified pace). General Hawking, for all that his face is immobile, appears to be amused, while the many soldiers in the room try to stay at attention. Slick Willie's roving eye has aleady spotted a pretty young rebel cadet, and is winking at her and trying to flirt while Udai has the ceremony on hold.

PRINCE ALI: I'll tell you what... if-f you'll leave me alone, I'll give you ownership of all the l-l-lands my family owns... they're all dead now anyway [He looks down].

UDAI SOLO: Really? [Ponders a moment to think of any way this could be a trick] Okay, deal.

JEWBACCA: Cakal. Ba'arrrrrr

UDAI SOLO: [Ignoring the Wook-oy] So where is it, around here? [Looks around, almost as though expecting to see a big sign]

GENERAL HAWKING: no, THIS PLAnet must be eVACUAted after THE CEremony, BEcause it WILL SOON BE SWARming with imPERIAL troops.

UDAI SOLO: Then where?

PRINCE ALI: Well, I'm from the Royal Family of Afghaneraan, so we owned nearly seventy percent of the planet. [Ali poises himself to step back]

UDAI SOLO: Wow seventy percent... of... [His tone drops as he slowly catches on] ...Afghaneraan. The same Afgha...

PRINCE ALI: There are probably some chunks of it still stuck in the Falcon's hull...

At this point Ali just bolts, running full out down the aisle. Udai makes to run after him, but Jewie grabs him by the arms, and Willie semi-tackles him, grabbing hold of his midsection to stop the mercenary pilot from struggling too much and breaking his own arms in Jewbacca's muscular grip.

UDAI SOLO: [SHOUTING] I'LL KILL HIM! I'M GONNA STAPLE A BURNED COPY OF SPACEBALLS TO HIS ASS AND MAIL HIM TO CORUSCANT D.C.!

GENERAL HAWKING: well, we HAD BETter hand OUT these MEdals now and get A MOVE on.

A rebel commander steps up with medals for each of the heroes, and Udai stops struggling against Jewie (trying to see if the medals are real gold). Slick Willie stands up to recieve his medal, but Jewbacca doesn't let go of his partner. Udai seems almost calmed down for a moment. As the commander puts the medal over Solo's neck, General Hawking can't help but comment.

GENERAL HAWKING: toDAY YOU are all HEroes. your BRAVery exEMPLIfies everythin that WE FOUGHT for in THE CLONE wars: FREEdom of goVERNMENT, and FREEdom to SHARE files... though I MUST SAY that anyONE who can BE OUTsmarted by THAT prince DEserves some KIND of A MEdal.

MP-3: #WIN LOSE OR DRAW by Allman Brothers#

----------

END

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Fantasy Cast

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Gulf Wars by Casey Herdman
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email: EvilAuthor@gmail.com

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