Gulf Wars: Episode IV

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The awesome yellow planet of Tikritooine emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Rebel Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. It is pursed by a giant Imperial Carrier. The Carrier unleashes another barrage of missiles that dwarfs the tinier ship... the barrage is so massive that although it is directly on target, only a few of the missiles hit the Rebel ship, while the rest scream past into darkness. The hits detonate in bright flashes of light, erasing the remaining shields and crashing into the engines.

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REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER - MAIN PASSAGEWAY
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An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Em-Pee-Three (MP-3) and Eff-Yu-Two (FU-2) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are old and battered. MP-3 is a squat, round-topped cylinder that glides along the ground on small tracked feet, with a large lens amid the computer lights of his semi-spherical face. FU-2, on the other hand, is a tall, slender robot of human proportions. He has a gleaming bronze-like metallic surface of an Art Deco design. Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way.

FU-2: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main drive. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness!

Rebel troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. They aim their AK-47s and small arms toward the door.

FU-2: We're doomed! Doomed, I tell you!

As always, the pert little droid, MP-3, expresses himself via a series of beeps and clicks, understandable only by another robot, but occasionally having a familiar ring to anyone who listens.

MP-3: #WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER? by Queen#

FU-2: There'll be no escape for the Princess this time.

The smaller robot tries to correct him:

MP-3: #MORE THAN A WOMAN by BeeGees#

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Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment are heard moving around the outside hull of the ship. The Imperial craft has easily overtaken the Rebel Blockade Runner. The smaller Rebel ship is being drawn into the underside docking bay of the giant Imperial starship.

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The nervous Rebel troopers aim their weapons. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored spacesuited Stormtroopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor.
In a few minutes the entire passageway is ablaze with laserfire. The deadly bolts ricochet in wild random patterns creating bright explosions. Stormtroopers advance in a straight line as bullets bounce harmlessly off their armour, while they return a fearsome wave of laserbolts, which unbelievably score no hits, but seeing how outnumbered and generally screwed they are, a few Rebels throw up their arms to surrender, while the rest scream and flee in terror.
An explosion hits near the robots.

FU-2: I should have known better than to trust an overclocked, Linux-based jukebox like you!

MP-3: #IT WASN'T ME by Shaggy#

Back in the main hallway, the awesome, seven-foot-tall Dark Lord of the Sith makes his way into the blinding light of the main passageway. This is Darth Cheney, right hand of the Emperor. He wears flowing black robes but his face is obscured by the grotesque mask of the armoured full-body pacemaker suit which sustains his life, and which stands out next to the fascist white armored suits of the Imperial stormtroopers. Everyone instinctively backs away from the imposing warrior and a deathly quiet sweeps through the Rebel troops. Several of the Rebel troops (who were sneaking back to see if the fight was over yet) break and run again in a frenzied panic. Darth Cheney turns from side to side, surveying the battle scene quickly, then advances towards the sounds of gunfire, deeper into the ship.

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The lanky FU-2 stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. MP-3 is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Rebel soldiers can be heard in the distance.

FU-2: MP-3? MP-3 where are you?

A familiar clanking sound attacks FU's attention and he spots little MP-3 at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A white-robed figure (with face obscured) stands in front of MP-3. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the smoke, she finishes adjusting something on MP-3's computer face, then watches as the little robot joins his companion.

FU-2: At last! Where have you been? They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll surely be sent to the spice mines of Kirkuk, or the Spice Girls world tour, or some similarly maniacal torture.

The sound of Stormtroopers battling can be heard in the distance. MP-3 scoots past his bronze friend and races down the subhallway. FU-2 chases after him.

FU-2: Wait a minute, where are you going?

MP-3: #ALL THE WAY by Lone Star#

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Elsewhere on the doomed ship, the evil Darth Cheney stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. He grabs a wounded Rebel Officer by the neck as an Imperial Officer rushes up to the Dark Lord.

IMPERIAL OFFICER: The MOAB Star plans are not in the main computer.

Cheney squeezes the neck of the Rebel Officer, who struggles in vain. His commanding voice booms out, punctuated by the beeping of his pacemaker suit.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Where are those files you downloaded?

Cheney lifts the Rebel off his feet by his throat.

REBEL OFFICER: We didn't download anything. Aaah... Our ISP's user agreement strictly forbids file sharing!

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] If you don't use stolen software, then where is your original Windows CD? [BEEP BEEP] And how do you explain all these CDs of pre-air Suppranos episodes?

The Rebel refuses to speak but eventually cries out as the Dark Lord begins to squeeze the officer's throat, creating a gruesome snapping and choking, until the soldier goes limp. Cheney tosses the dead soldier against the wall and turns to his troops.

DARTH CHENEY: Commander, [BEEP BEEP] tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the Ambassador... [BEEP BEEP] Alive!

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The stormtroopers scurry into the subhallways. The white-robed Ambassador huddles in a small alcove as the Stormtroopers search through the ship. As the muted crushing sounds of the approaching Stormtroopers grow louder, the figure crouches into a little ball, wishing to become invisible. One of the troopers spots it, and whips out his deck of Rebel Main Character identifier cards (collect them all!).

STORMTROOPER 1: That's the Ambassador all right, just like on the Queen of Hearts here! Set for stun.

STORMTROOPER 2: You've got the Queen? I'll trade you my Minister of Information rookie card for that...

Ignoring him, the first soldier opens up, firing full auto. The stun blasts pepper the area, but somehow even at 2 meter range, all the shots miss the target as the white-robed Ambassador panics and tries to run - unfortunately, right into a wall. The inert form of the Ambassador collapses with a concussion, and the Stormtroopers shrug to one another.

STORMTROOPER 1: Mission accomplished. Inform Lord Cheney we have a POW.

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Not much further down the corridor, MP-3 stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash. The stubby astro-mech droid works his way into the cramped four-man pod.

FU-2: Hey, you're not permitted in there. It's restricted. You'll be deactivated for sure...

MP-3: #WHAT IS LIFE by Black Uhuru#

FU-2: Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease! Now come out before somebody sees you.

MP-3: #WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, TOUGH GET GOING by Billy Ocean#

FU-2: Secret mission? What files? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there!

A new explosion, this time very close, sends dust and debris through the narrow subhallway. Flames lick at FU-2 and, after a flurry of electronic swearing from MP-3, the geeky robot jumps into the lifepod.

FU-2: Oh, I'm going to regret this.

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The safety door snaps shut, and with the thunder of exploding latches the tiny lifepod ejects from the disabled ship.
On the main viewscreen, the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft.

GUNNER 1: There goes another one! Fire!

The point defense station launches a missile, which arcs out, curves away from the escape pod and instead hits an Imperial TIE strike fighter which was flying by on patrol. The too gunners look at one another upon witnessing the friendly fire incident.

GUNNER 2: You know what this means?

GUNNER 1: Yeah, we actually HIT something! We might get a commendation!

The two gunners high-five as the life pod, containing the two droids and the precious files carried by MP-3, streaks down towards the nearby desert planet of Tikritooine. MP-3 and FU-2 look out at the receding Imperial starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through space.

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Unbeknownst to them, back aboard the captured Rebel ship, the Ambassador is dragged over to Lord Cheney and slapped awake to meet his judgement. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator.

AMBASSADOR ALI: Darth Cheney. I sh-sh-should have known. Only you would be so b-bold. The United Nations will hear of this atrocity.

DARTH CHENEY: Don't play your atrocity-accusing games with me, Your Highness. [BEEP BEEP] You weren't cooperating with the inspectors this time. You passed directly through a no-fly-zone system. [BEEP] Several transmissions were downloaded to this ship by Rebel hackers. [BEEP] I want to know what happened to the files they sent you.

AMBASSADOR ALI: I-I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a representative of the United Nations on a dip-diplomatic mission to Afghaneraan...

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] You're assisting the Rebel terrorists... and you are a traitor. [BEEP BEEP] Take the prisoner to the holding cells!

Ali is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. An Imperial Commander turns to Cheney.

COMMANDER: Holding the Ambassador is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion in the assembly.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] I have traced the Rebel spies here. Now [BEEP] Ali is my only link to find their secret base!

COMMANDER: These terrorists would die before telling you anything.

DARTH CHENEY: Leave that to me. [BEEP BEEP] Send a distress signal and then inform the senate that all aboard were killed by the terrorists!

COMMANDER: Do you think they'll buy it?

DARTH CHENEY: It doesn't matter. [BEEP BEEP] They can't prove otherwise, so they'll accept whatever we tell them.

Another Imperial Officer approaches Cheney and the Commander. They stop and snap to attention.

SECOND OFFICER: Lord Cheney, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made - we ensured that with a denial of service attack (we simultaneously uploaded 30 million copies of a file labelled "NudePhotosOfPamelaLee.gif", crashing the file sharing servers for several minutes). An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard.

DARTH CHENEY: They must have burned to files to a CD and hidden the plans in the escape pod. [BEEP BEEP] Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander. [BEEP] There'll be no one to stop us this time.

COMMANDER: There never is. That's why I love this Empire, Sir.

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THE DESERT PLANET: TIKRITOOINE
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A rugged desert lies where rough rock cliffs meet the foreboding dune sea. The two helpless droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the lifepod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The lifepod in the distance rests half buried in the sand.

FU-2: How did I get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.

MP-3: #I SECOND THAT EMOTION by Smokey Robinson & Miracles#

FU-2: I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen. What a desolate place this is.

Suddenly MP-3 whistles, makes a sharp right turn and starts off in the direction of the rocky desert mesas. FU-2 stops and yells at him.

FU-2: Where are you going?

MP-3: #FINDING MY WAY by 702#

FU-2: Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is much easier.

Pausing, MP-3 counters with a long whistle.

FU-2: What makes you think there are settlements over there?

MP-3: #WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS by Beatles#

FU-2: Don't get technical with me.

MP-3: #RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED by Nightengale#

FU-2: What mission? What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted pez dispender!

FU-2: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help, because you won't get it.

MP-3: #JONNY ARE YOU QUEER by Josie Cotton#
#I WILL SURVIVE by Gloria Gaynor#

Angry at his friend's stubbornness, MP-3 turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas. He beeps to himself as he makes his way toward the distant mountains.

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Hours later, FU-2 hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a dune: only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless miles. He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas.

FU-2: That malfunctioning little twerp. This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better.

In a huff of anger and frustration, FU-2 knocks the sand from his joints. His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of reflected light in the distance reveals an object moving towards him. The bronze android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport.

FU-2: Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved! Yooo-hooo! Over here! Help! Please, help!

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That night, a group of hooded Scavenging Nerdwas ambush MP-3 in the canyons, knock him down, and fit him with a restraining bolt.

NERDWA 1: Yippee! My collection is complete. I said to you "why buy it, when you can steal one for free", but you thought it would be hard...

NERDWA 2: Yippee for you. Its probably full of bugs, and you can't get tech support if you aren't a registered customer. Thats why we have a van full of falling-apart droids. Check it for viruses before you bring it aboard.

NERDWA 1: Maybee-bee, maybe. But its FREE! And besides, if you ever threw your garbage in the pail, we wouldn't have a van full of potato chip bags and empty pop bottles. Now help me cram this sucker in the RV.

They ignominiously dump MP-3 into the cargo hold of their tracked RV, and resume their caffeine-addled meandering through the desert. The droid falls into a bin filled with debris which could be accurately described as a jumble of falling-apart droids, potato chip bags and empty pop bottles. Some of the other droids show signs of life, beeping or twitching, but most are inoperative. The sounds of a mild, continuous arguement echoes down from the crew compartment.

NERDWA 1: ...yeah and I heard that Voyager: Away Team is actually a pretty sweet FPS, but damned if I'm ever taking orders from Tuvok.

NERDWA 2: Could-beee, could-be, but it would be better than playing the same two-player Warcraft III over and over again on our LAN. If you'd pick up a legit copy for yourself, we could team up to destroy the entire galaxy of inferior Warcraft players, but noOOOoo, you have a free copy so no CD-key, so all we can do is replay the same stale match again and again...

NERDWA 1: But its-freeee, its-FREE!

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So MP-3 stumbles around the cargo hold aimlessly, until he is surprised by a familiar voice from behind one of the piles of junk.

FU-2: MP-3? Is that you! Oh it IS you. I'm so glad to see a familiar face.

MP-3: #ARE 'FRIENDS' ELECTRIC by Gary Numan#

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Far off in the desert, and Imperial patrol has located the escape pod's crash site, and are investigating the scene. Two pairs of tracks lead of across the desert. One trooper bends down and picks up a bronze wingnut.

STORMTROOPER 18: Look sir, droids!

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: This is Heraldo Fortuna reporting from an undisclosed location in the Dune Sea desert on Tikritooine, about 50 miles East-by-Northeast of-

SERGEANT 51: Shut up! You're not allowed to give away our location.

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: Oh right... anyhow, Stormtrooper 18, I hear you have just discovered evidence that could lead to the secret burned CD of illegaly downloaded files, suspected to be held by Rebel terrorists...

While Stormtrooper 18 looks uncomfortably at the camera and tries to come up with a response, the rest of the squad unsafety their blasters and open fire on the reporter. Small craters are blown into the sand all over, as dozens of deadly laser bolts lash out, but sadly all fail to strike their target. Whether oblivious to the danger posed by the angered Stormtroopers - or perhaps all-too-aware of the level of danger involved - either way the reporter continues undaunted, bends down, and begins scribbling in the dirt with a stick (which he apparently carries around for just this purpose, since there are approximately zero sticks handy in the deep desert).

EMBEDDED STORM-REPORTER: Now, if I were to draw a map here in the sand, could you then indicate the direction of these tracks for the holo-viewers back home?

SERGEANT 51: Goddamn it!

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The massive tracked RV pulls up near a modest desert homestead. The Nerdwas begin unloading droids from the cargo hold and work on posing the damaged ones to look like their in better condition than they really are, and generally prancing around like little kids. One of them issues commands to the droids' restraining bolts via a remote control.

NERDWA 1: Droid ON... droid OFF. Droid ON... droid OFF! Hehe, this thing is swee-sweeet.

NERDWA 2: I think the farmer's comin out. Quick, shine that ones dome!

NERDWA 1: Heeeeee-hehe, shine his dome, heheee!

NERDWA 2: You-tiny-brained... arrrgh.

MP-3: #CHAIN OF FOOLS by Aretha Franklin#

The farmer walks out, followed grudgingly by his nephew, Qusai Scudwalker, a fresh-faced youth who looks like he'd rather be somewhere else. The limping father wanders up, and begins haggling right away.

UNCLE: All I need is a one to fix speeders and one that can talk to some outdated machinery. Free advice: never update anything that's working fine. Only problem is finding compatible droids. What's this skinny one looking at? Who the hell are you?

FU-2: I am FU-2, human-cyborg relations. My primary function is-

UNCLE: Do you speak the binary language of OS2 vaporators?

FU-2: Why, as a matter of fact, my first job was tending a daycare where I was kicked repeatedly in the nuts, much like using your OS2, and I-

UNCLE: Shut up. I'll take him and the little red one...

FU-2: Shutting up sir.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hey uncle, this little blue one is shinier, and it knows how to beep the Oscar Meier Weiner tune.

UNCLE: All right, whatever, the blue one instead.

The farmer pays the Nerdwas with in the usual Nerdwa currency - blank CDs and caffeinated soft drinks - and the hooded gnomish figures cackle gleefully and drive off. Qusai is stuck with the task of cleaning up the newly purchased droids and briefing them on their duties. MP-3 stands by as FU-2 is lowered into an oil bath by the unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism.

FU-2: Ahh, thank the Maker. Any longer in that desert hellhole and I would have rusted solid.

MP-3: #GREASE by Frankie Valli#

FU-2: Quiet, you. He'll grease your dome as soon as I'm done - I need this more than you.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Sigh] It just isn't fair. I'll never get out of here!

FU-2: Is there anything I could do to help, sir?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or play X-Box on your friend here.

MP-3: #DON'T WANNA BE A PLAYER by Joe Walsh#

FU-2: I don't think so, sir. I'm only a droid and not very knowledgeable about such things. Not on this planet, anyways. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure which planet I'm on.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, if the universe is a giant Toostie-Roll Pop, this is the planet from which it takes the most licks to reach the chewy center.

FU-2: I don't really follow, sir.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Remember those old commercials, with the owl that says "how many licks to get to the middle of a"... oh forget the damn analogy. Suffice it to say this place licks.

FU-2: I see, sir.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Uh, you can call me Qusai.

FU-2: Well I am Eff-Yu-Two, human-cyborg relations, and this is my counterpart, Em-Pee-Three.

MP-3: #HOW DO YOU DO by Radiohead#

With a sigh, Qusai sits down on a stool to begin scraping off MP-3. He isn't at it for long before he hits a snag.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, your friend has something jammed in there good. Let me - hold on, I think I've got it...

The fragment breaks loose with a snap, sending Qusai tumbling head over heels. He sits up and sees a twelve-inch three-dimensional hologram of the hooded white-robed figure of Ali, the Rebel ambassador, being projected from the face of little MP-3. The image is a rainbow of colors as it flickers and jiggles in the dimly lit garage. Qusai's mouth hangs open in awe, as a short message loops again and again:

HOLO OF ALI: Help me Osama Bin-One. You're my only hope.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Where the heck did that come from?

MP-3: #NOTHING BUT HEARTACHES by Supremes#

FU-2: What is what?!? He asked you a question... What is that?

HOLO OF ALI: Help me Osama Bin-One. You're my only hope... Help me Osama Bin-One. You're my only hope...

MP-3: #IN MY POCKET by Mandy Moore#

FU-2: Oh, he says it's nothing, sir. Old data left by a previous master. Pay it no mind.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, I can't really see her face under that hood, but I bet she's beautiful. And she's wearing white... Who is she?

FU-2: I think she was a passenger on our last voyage. A person of some importance, sir - I believe. Our captain was attached to...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Is there more to this recording?

The little droid bounces and whistles, trying to set them straight about the Ambassador, but FU-2 misses the point as usual.

MP-3: #MAN ON YOUR MIND by Little River Band#

FU-2: He says he's the property of Osama Bin-One, a resident of these parts. And it's a private message for him. Quite frankly, sir, I don't know what he's talking about. Our last master was Captain Antilles, but with what we've been through, this little unit has become a bit eccentric.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Osama Bin-One? I wonder if he means old Ben Laden?

FU-2: I beg your pardon, sir, but do you know what he's talking about?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, I don't know anyone named Osama Bin-One, but old Ben lives out beyond the dune sea. He's kind of a strange old hermit...
...I wonder who she is. It sounds like she's in trouble. I'd better play back the whole thing.

MP-3: #CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS by Iron Maiden#

FU-2: He says the restraining bolt has short circuited his recording system. He suggests that if you remove the bolt, he might be able to play back the entire recording.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: H'm? Oh, yeah, well, I guess you're too small to run away on me if I take this off! Okay.

The young man leans over and pops off the droid-control device, but is dismayed when the hologram instantly shuts off.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hey! Where'd it go? Bring her back! Play back the entire message.

MP-3: #I HAVE NOTHING by Whitney Houston#

FU-2: What message? The one you've just been playing. The one you're carrying inside that heavily fragmented hard drive of yours!

Just then, Qusai's aunt calls him up for supper. As FU-2 apologizes, the frustrated Qusai shoves MP-3 into a diagnostic machine and promises to be back soon.

FU-2: Just you reconsider playing that message for him, you troublesome little Furbee. He's our new master, and you could screw things over bigtime with your little stunts.

MP-3: #WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LIKE ME? by No Use For a Name#

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Qusai sits at the kitchen table with his Uncle, eating dinner. His Aunt fusses over the meal until finally she sits down to eat with them. Finally, Qusai broaches the subject on his mind.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You know, I think that little blue droid we bought might have been stolen.

UNCLE: What makes you think that?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone called Osama Bin-One. That and somebody spraypainted -=FR33 StuFF r0XX0rz=- on its side.

Uncle is greatly alarmed at the mention of his name, but manages to control himself.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I thought he might have meant Ben. Do you know what he's talking about? Well, I wonder if he's related to Ben.

UNCLE: That old man's just a crazy wizard. Tomorrow I want you to take that little MP-3 into Umm Qasr and have its memory wiped. That'll be the end of it. It belongs to us now.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: But what if this Osama-Bin-One comes looking for him?

UNCLE: He won't, I don't think he exists any more. He died about the same time as your father.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: He knew my father?

UNCLE: I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to prepare the new droids for tomorrow. In the morning I want them on the south ridge working out those condensers.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Man, I'm tired of you oppressing me. As soon as I'm accepted into the Imperial Academy, I am soooo out of this dump.

AUNT: My, I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

UNCLE: Since when do you have lines?

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The giant twin suns of Tikritooine slowly disappear behind the orange haze of blowing sands; the sky is streaked by rising columns of black smoke. Qusai stands watching them for a few moments, then reluctantly enters the domed entrance to the homestead's garage.

Entering the garage, Qusai finds the robots to be nowhere in sight. He takes a small control box from his utility belt similar to the one the Nerdwas were carrying. He activates the box, which creates a low hum, and FU-2, letting out a short yell, pops up from behind the Skyhopper spaceship.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What are you doing hiding there?

FU-2: It wasn't my fault, sir. Please don't deactivate me. I told him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning; kept babbling on about his mission.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Oh, no!

He races out of the garage followed by FU-2, and searches the darkening horizon for the small dome-topped droid. FU-2 struggles out of the homestead and on the salt flat as Qusai scans the landscape with his thermal night-vision goggles.

FU-2: That little jukebox of a droid has always been a problem. These astro-mechs are getting quite out of hand. Even I can't understand their logic at times.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: How could I be so stupid? He's nowhere in sight. Blast it!

FU-2: Pardon me, sir, but couldn't we go after him?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It's too dangerous with all the trailer-trash around. We'll have to wait until morning.

UNCLE: Qusai, I'm shutting the power down for the night.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: All right, I'll be there in a few minutes. Boy, am I gonna get it.

He takes one final look across the dim horizon.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You know that little droid is going to cause me a lot of trouble.

FU-2: Oh, he excels at that, sir.

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Next morning, the rock and sand of the desert floor are a blur as FU-2 pilots the sleek Landspeeder clumsily across the vast wasteland, swerving from side to side. Qusai is trying to hold his binoculars stable in the passenger seat, but it's a losing battle.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Dammit FU', can't you keep this thing straight? Its a flat open desert - there isn't an obstacle for miles!

FU-2: I'm only an interpreter! I am simply not designed for piloting. My elboes are fixed at 90 degrees.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: If you can barely move your arms, then shouldn't we HAVE to drive in a straight line? Wait, there's something dead ahead on the scanner. It looks like our droid... hit the accelerator.

From high on a rock mesa, the tiny Landspeeder can be seen gliding across the desert floor. Suddenly in the foreground two weather-beaten trailer-trash, shrouded in their grimy desert cloaks peer over the edge of the rock mesa. One of the marginally human creatures raises a long ominous laser rifle and points it at the speeder but the second creature grabs the gun before it can be fired. The trailer-trash, or Heston Raiders as they're sometimes called, speak in a coarse barbaric language as they get into an animated argument. The second Heston Raider seems to get in the final word and the nomads scurry over the rocky terrain.
The Heston Raiders approach two large Banthas standing tied to a rock. The monstrous, bear-like creatures are as large as elephants, with huge red eyes, tremendous looped horns, and long, furry, dinosaur-like tails. The Heston Raiders mount saddles strapped to the huge creatures' shaggy backs and ride off down the rugged bluff, each one pulling its trailer-home behind.

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The speeder is parked on the floor of a massive canyon. Qusai, with his long laser rifle slung over his shoulder, stands before little MP-3.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hey, whoa, just where do you think you're going?

The little droid whistles a feeble reply, as FU-2 poses menacingly behind the little runaway.

MP-3: #WALK ON by U2#

FU-2: Master Qusai here is your rightful owner now. We'll have no more of this Osama-Bin One jibberish... and don't talk to me of your mission, either. You're fortunate he doesn't wipe your hard drive with a dirty magnet right now!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It's not that bad, I'm just glad we found him. But, we should really get out of here. It's getting late, and this area's dangerous after dark.

FU-2: If you don't mind my saying so, sir, I think you should deactivate the little fugitive until you've gotten him back to your workshop.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Chill FU', he's not going to try anything now, are you MP-3?

Suddenly the little robot jumps to life with a mass of frantic whistles and almost screamlike noises.

MP-3: #DANGER ZONE by Kenny Loggins#

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What's wrong with him now?

FU-2: Oh my... sir, he says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast.

Swinging his rifle into position, Qusai looks to the south.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Trailer-trash! Or worse! Come on, let's have a look. Come on.

He carefully makes his way to the top of a rock ridge and scans the canyon with his electrobinoculars. He spots the two riderless Banthas and apparently unoccupied trailers. FU-2 struggles up behind the young adventurer.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: There are two trailers down there but I don't see any... wait a second, they're Heston Raiders all right. I can see one of them now. Its wearing one of those ugly breather masks, but no shirt. Ugh. That bandoleer must really chafe...

As Qusai watches the distant Heston Raider through his electrobinoculars, suddenly something huge moves in front of his field of view. Before Qusai or FU-2 can react, a large, gruesome Heston Raider looms over them. FU-2 is startled and backs away, right off the side of the cliff. He can be heard for several moments as he clangs, bangs and rattles down the side of the mountain. The towering creature brings down his tacky club-ended rifle butt, known as a Second-Amender. But Qusai manages to block the blow with his laser rifle, which is smashed in half. The terrified farm boy scrambles backward until he is forced to the edge of a deep crevice. The sinister Raider stands over him with his weapon raised and lets out a horrible shrieking laugh as it fires triumphantly into the air. More jubilant shots answer back from the parked trailers.

RAIDER: Yeehaw-yeehaw!

----------

Hiding in the shadows of a small alcove in the rocks, MP-3 watches as the vicious trailer-trash walk past carrying the inert Qusai, who is dropped in a heap before the speeder. The trailer-trash ransack the speeder, throwing parts and supplies in all directions as they scavenge for any smokes, porn or alchohol they might find. Suddenly they stop. Then everything is quiet for a few moments. A great howling moan is heard echoing throughout the canyon which sends the Heston Raiders fleeing in terror.

The tiny droid moves even tighter into the shadows as the slight swishing sound that frightened off the trailer-trash grows even closer, until a shabby old desert-rat-of-a-man appears and leans over Qusai. His ancient leathery face, cracked and weathered by exotic climates is set off by dark, penetrating eyes and a long but scraggly white beard. Ben Laden squints his eyes as he scrutinizes the unconscious farm boy. MP-3 makes a slight sound and Ben turns and looks right at him.

MP-3: #ARE YOU THAT SOMEBODY by Aaliyah#

BEN LADEN: Hello there! Come here my little friend. Don't be afraid.

Waddling over to where Qusai lies crumpled in a heap, MP-3 begins to whistle and beep his concern. Ben puts his hand on Qusai's forehead and he begins to come around.

BEN LADEN: Don't worry, he'll be all right.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What happened?

BEN LADEN: Rest easy, boy, you've had a busy day. Those Hestons knocked you on your ass something fierce. You are fortunate you're still in one piece.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Ben? Ben Laden! Boy, am I glad to see you!

BEN LADEN: The Jalalabad Wastes are not to be traveled lightly. Tell me, young Qusai, what brings you out this far?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Oh, this little droid! I think he's searching for his former master ... I've never seen such devotion in a droid before... there seems to be no stopping him. He claims to be the property of an Osama-Bin One. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know who he's talking about?

Scratching his scruffy beard, Ben ponders this for a moment.

BEN LADEN: Osama-Bin One...? Now thats a name I haven't heard in a long time... a long time.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead.

BEN LADEN: Oh, he's not dead, no... not yet. Though God knows they tried.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You know him!

BEN LADEN: Well of course, of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Osama-Bin One since oh, before you were born.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Then the droid does belong to you.

BEN LADEN: Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid. Though at one point I had 24 wives... Very interesting...

He suddenly looks up at the overhanging cliffs.

BEN LADEN: I think we'd better get indoors. The trailer-trash are easily startled, but as soon as Ricky Lake is over they will be back and in greater numbers, defending their "right to bear arms".

MP-3: #WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE by Frankie Lymon & Teenagers#

As Qusai sits up and rubs his head, MP-3 lets out a pathetic beep causing Qusai to remember something. He looks around.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: ... FU! Where did he fall to?

Little MP-3 stands at the edge of a large sand pit that the taller droid had stumbled into and begins to chatter away in electronic whistles and beeps. Qusai and Ben stand over a very dented and tangled FU-2 lying half buried in the sand. One of his arms has fallen off. Qusai tries to revive the inert robot by shaking him and then flips a hidden switch on his back several times until finally the mechanical man's systems turn on.

FU-2: Where am I? I must have had a bad trip...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Can you stand? We've got to get out of here before the trailer-trash return. I think even the little ones are packin' rifles.

FU-2: I don't think I can make it. You go on, Master Qusai. There's no sense in you risking yourself on my account. I'm done for.

MP-3: #I'VE HEARD THAT SONG BEFORE by Harry James#

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: No, you're not. What kind of talk is that?

Little MP-3 watches from the top of the pit as Qusai and Ben help the battered robot to his feet. Ben glances around suspiciously. Sensing something, he stands up and sniffs the air. He smirks:

BEN LADEN: Quickly, boy... they're on the move. This droid seems pretty dull... I'm starting to remember why I prefered wives - beyond the obvious, that is.

----------

The small, spartan cave is cluttered with desert junk but still manages to radiate an air of time-worn comfort and security. Qusai is in one corner repairing FU-2's arm, as old Ben sits thinking.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter.

BEN LADEN: That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. Thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You fought in the Clone Wars?

BEN LADEN: Yes, I was once a Jyhad Knight the same as your father. We used to get drunk and hijack space transports.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I wish I'd known him.

BEN LADEN: He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior. I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was a good friend. Which reminds me...

He gets up and goes to a chest where he rummages around. As Qusai finishes repairing FU-2 and starts to fit the restraining bolt back on, FU-2 looks at him nervously. Qusai thinks about the bolt for a moment then puts it on the table. Ben shuffles up and presents Qusai with a short handle with several electronic gadgets attached to it.

BEN LADEN: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Osama Bin-One on some damned-fool idealistic crusade like your father did.

FU-2: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for awhile.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Sure, go ahead. What is this, Ben?

BEN LADEN: Your fathers nukesaber. This is the weapon of a Jyhad Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster, although your uncle would probably call it dangerous.

As Qusai pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet and flickers there. The light is so bright that it burns deep black silhouttes into the walls.

BEN LADEN: An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. For over a thousand generations the Jyhad Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the Empire, bought everything up and started making rules for everyone and exempting themselves.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: How did my father die?

BEN LADEN: A young Jyhad named Darth Cheney, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jyhad Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jyhad are all but extinct. Cheney was seduced by the dark side of the Way.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: The Way?

BEN LADEN: Well, the Way of Mega-Destiny is what gives the Jyhad his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. Its use is banned by the Empire, even though its rulers themselves posess and use the power... or the dark side of it anyway. [To MP-3] Now, let's see if we can't figure out what you are going on about, my little friend. And where you come from.

MP-3: #MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY by Alias#

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I saw part of the message he was...

He is cut short as the recorded image of the young Rebel ambassador, face still obscured by the white hooded robes, is projected from MP-3's face.

BEN LADEN: I seem to have found it. I've always had a knack with video...

HOLO OF ALI: General Osama, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars, when the Empire tried to enforce the ban on CD duplication. Now he begs you to help him in his continued struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Afghaneraan has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this MP unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Afghaneraan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Osama-Bin One, you're my only hope.

There is a little static and the transmission is cut short. Old Ben leans back and scratches his head. He silently puffs on a tarnished chrome water pipe. Qusai has stars in his eyes.

BEN LADEN: You must learn the Way of the Jyhad Knight if you're to come with me to Afghaneraan.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [laughing] Afghaneraan? I'm not going to Afghaneraan. I've got to go home. It's late, I'm in for it as it is.

BEN LADEN: I need your help, Qusai. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. The Rebellion needs your help.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I can't get involved! I've got work to do! It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do about it right now. It's such a long way from here, and as long as they control the Old Republic's oil, they don't care about us.

BEN LADEN: That's your uncle talking.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [sighing]Oh, God, my uncle. How am I ever going to explain this?

BEN LADEN: Learn about the Way, Qusai. The Way of Mega-Destiny! Then you can use it to confuse him, and he won't remember what you've done wrong.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Look, I can take you as far as Umm Qasr. You can get a transport there to Mosul Eisley spaceport, or wherever you're going.

BEN LADEN: You must do what you feel is right, of course. If you want to be a little wuss forever...

No flash

-
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SPACE: MOAB STAR
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-

An Imperial Carrier heads toward the evil planet-like battle station, the multiple kilometre long warship looking minuscule in comparison to the MOAB Star!

In the Conference room of the technically-legal secret weapon, eight Imperial senators and generals sit around a black conference table. Imperial stormtroopers stand guard around the room. General Frankke, a middle-aged, manly-looking officer, is speaking.

GENERAL FRANKKE: Until this battle station is fully operational we are vulnerable. The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize.

ADMIRAL POWERS: [Over-enthusiastic] Dangerous to YOUR starfleet, Commander; not to this battle station!

GENERAL FRANKKE: I realize that since it wipes out planets without harming the environment, this weapon is technically legal under Imperial law, but the Rebellion will continue to gain support in the United Nations as long as....

Suddenly all heads turn as General Frankke's speech is cut short and the Grand Moff Tarfeld, governor of the Imperial outland regions, enters. Everyone seems to fear and respect him, probably because he looks a lot like Magneto. He is followed by his powerful ally, The Sith Lord, Darth Cheney. All of the generals stand and bow before the thin, evil-looking governor as he takes his place at the head of the table. The Dark Lord stands ominously behind him.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: The United Nations will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Bigtime!

GENERAL FRANKKE: That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the illusion of backing international law?

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: The regional dictators now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station.

GENERAL FRANKKE: And what of the Rebellion? If the Rebels have pirated a complete technical readout of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it. Don't forget that Sienar Fleet Systems fiasco... hackers moved over a decimal place, and 2 million TIE fighters came off the assembly lines with only one wing.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.

ADMIRAL POWERS: [Positively perky] Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a USELESS gesture, no matter what technical data they've downloaded. With our technological edge, and the untold trillions of dollars invested in our defense industry, this station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it, baby, yeah!

DARTH CHENEY: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. [BEEP] The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant [BEEP] next to the power of the Way.

ADMIRAL POWERS: Don't try to frighten us with your evil mojo, Lord Cheney. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data CD, nor given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort...

The Dark Lord raises his hand, with the unsteady steady beeping of his pacemaker armor. Suddenly Powers chokes and starts to turn blue under Cheney's telekinetic grasp.

DARTH CHENEY: I find your lack of faith disturbing. [BEEP BEEP]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Enough of this! Cheney, release him!

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] As you wish. [BEEP BEEP][To Powers]. Wad.

ADMIRAL POWERS: [Still ghasping] Tool! [Cough, cough]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Stop it! This bickering is pointless. Lord Cheney will provide us with the location of the Rebel fortress by the time this station is operational. We will then crush the Rebellion with one swift stroke.

-
----------
TIKRITOOINE: MORE DESERT
----------
-

Elsewhere in the seemingless endless expanse of desert, the speeder stops before a huge Nerdwa RV, tipped over on its side. Qusai and Ben walk among the smoldering rubble and scattered bodies.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It looks like trailer-trash did this, all right. Look, here are lots of "Second-Amenders", bantha tracks, and beer bottles. It's just... I never heard of them getting drunk enough to hit anything this big before. When they get that much alcohol in them, sure they get pretty rowdy, but usually they fall asleep before they get organised.

The old man is crouching in the sand studying the tracks.

BEN LADEN: They didn't. But we are meant to think they did. Heston Raiders spend a lot of time practicing their shooting... blasting cans off fences and such. But this crawler hasn't been hit by a single shot - it looks more like the driver panicked and crashed it by oversteering.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hey, these are the same Nerdwas that sold us MP-3 and FU-2.

BEN LADEN: And these blast points, in the sand all around. Not accurate enough for trailer-trash. In fact it looks like these Nerdwas weren't hit either... they were all clubbed to death with gun-butts. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so "precise".

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hehe, yeah. But why would Imperial troops want to slaughter Nerdwas? All they do is play video games and argue about Star Trek all day. Sure its annoying, but...

He looks back at the speeder where MP-3 and FU-2 are inspecting the dead Nerdwas, and put two and two together.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: If they traced the robots here, they may have learned who they sold them to. And that would lead them back home!

Reaching this sudden horrible realization, Qusai races for the speeder and jumps in.

BEN LADEN: Wait, Qusai! It's too dangerous.

The impulsive Qusai races off leaving Ben and the two robots alone with the overturned RV. Qusai motos across the wasteland as fast as his battered Landspeeder can manage. After what seems like an interminably long ride to him, the speeder roars up to the homestead. Qusai jumps out and runs to the smoking holes that were once his home. Debris is scattered everywhere and it looks as if a great battle has taken place.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Uncle! Aunt! UUUNCLE!

Qusai stumbles around in a daze looking for his aunt and uncle. Suddenly he comes upon their smoldering remains. An Imperial TIE fighter has crashed down here, explaining the damage. Numerous Stormtrooper bodies are also lying around, apparently victims of friendly fire, judging by the blast wounds. Qusai is stunned, and cannot speak. Hate replaces fear and a new resolve comes over him.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: DETENTION CORRIDOR
----------
-

Two stormtroopers open an electronic cell door and allow several Imperial guards to enter. Ambassador Ali trembles in the corner as a giant black torture robot enters, followed by giant black form of Darth Cheney.

DARTH CHENEY: And, now [BEEP BEEP] Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base. [BEEP BEEP]

PRINCE ALI: Hey, watch it! I have sensitive skin. YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!

-
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TIKRITOOINE: ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE DESERT!
----------
-

There is a large bonfire of Nerdwa bodies blazing in front of the sandcrawler as Ben and the robots finish burning the dead. Qusai drives up in the speeder and Ben walks over to him.

BEN LADEN: There's nothing you could have done, Qusai, had you been there. You'd have been killed, too, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I want to come with you to Afghaneraan. There's nothing here for me now. I want to learn the Way of Mega-Destiny and become a Jyhad Knight like my father.

----------

The Landspeeder with Qusai, MP-3, FU-2, and Ben in it zooms across the desert. The speeder stops on a bluff overlooking the spaceport at Mosul Eisley. It is a haphazard array of low, gray, concrete structures and semi-domes. A harsh gale blows across the stark canyon floor. Qusai adjusts his goggles and walks to the edge of the craggy bluff where Ben is standing.

BEN LADEN: Mosul Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You made us drive all the way up this dead-end cliff just so you could say that?

BEN LADEN: I've been hiding in a cave for years with virtually no human contact, okay? My people skills are a little rusty. Do people still say "rad"?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Hellllllls no old man. Jeez.

----------

The speeder is stopped on a crowded street by several combat-hardened Stormtroopers who look over the two robots. A Trooper questions Qusai.

STORMTROOPER 42: How long have you had these droids?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: About three or four seasons.

BEN LADEN: Is it true that kids don't say "rad" anymore? I used to like saying Rad...

STORMTROOPER 42: Let me see your identification.

Aghast at Ben's inane attempts to converse with the guards, Qusai becomes very nervous as he fumbles to find his ID while Ben speaks to the Trooper in a very controlled voice.

BEN LADEN: You don't need to see his identification.

STORMTROOPER 42: We don't need to see his identification.

BEN LADEN: These are not the droids you're looking for. And we aren't carrying a truckload of illegally copied CDs either.

Staring in horror, Qusai's mouth drops open as the Stormtrooper not only repeats back what Ben told him, but appears not to notice Ben's snide incriminating remarks.

STORMTROOPER 42: These are not the droids we're looking for.

BEN LADEN: He can go about his business, while you go back to shooting your friends by accident.

STORMTROOPER 42: You can go about your business.

BEN LADEN: [Winking at Qusai] Move along. We'll tell yo mamma you said hi.

STORMTROOPER 42: [Waving them through] Move along, move along...

The speeder pulls up in front of a rundown blockhouse cantina on the outskirts of the spaceport. Various strange forms of transport, including several unusual beasts of burden, are parked outside the bar. A Nerdwa runs up and begins to fondle the speeder.

NERDWA 3: Mmmmm, chrome. This speeder is a classic... with the art deco styling and the green levitation glow. Not like the "Special Edition" version they sell now... just looking at it makes me drool...

FU-2: I can't abide these Nerdwas. Disgusting creatures.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Shoo! Go bother those Stormtroopers. I hear they have the limited edition "Wanted Rebel" bicycle cards.

NERDWA 3: Oh man. If I could get a set of those, that would be sweeter than scoring a William Shatner toupee on E-bay, E-bay!

The scrawny collectible-oriented creature runs off in the direction of the guard checkpoint. Qusai turns to Ben with a baffled look.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I can't understand how we got by those troopers. I thought we were dead!

BEN LADEN: The Way of Mega-Destiny can have a strong influence on the weak-minded - sort of like celebrity endorsements. That is why the Empire tries to restrict it, and why Darth Cheney hunted down most of the Jyhad Knights.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Do you really think we're going to find a pilot here that'll take us to Afghaneraan?

BEN LADEN: Well, most of the best freighter pilots can be found here. Only watch your step. This place can be a little rough.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I'm ready for anything. As long as it isn't a gay bar...

FU-2: Don't worry Master, with alien species you wouldn't know the difference. MP-3 and I should probably stay outside.

The young Qusai follows Ben Laden into the smoke-filled cantina. The murky, moldy den is filled with a startling array of weird and exotic alien creatures and monsters at the long metallic bar. At first the sight is horrifying. One-eyed, thousand-eyed, slimy, furry, scaly, tentacled, and clawed creatures huddle over drinks. Ben moves to an empty spot at the bar near a group of repulsive but human scum, and starts talking to one of the Galactic pirates. Qusai notices several of the gruesome creatures along the bar are giving him a very unfriendly glare. He tries to ignore it and grabs a stool.

Ben is standing next to Jewbacca, an eight-foot-tall-savage-looking creature resembling a huge gray bushbaby monkey with fierce baboon-like fangs. His large blue eyes dominate a fur-covered, white bearded face and soften his otherwise awesome appearance. Over his matted, furry body he wears two chrome bandoliers, and little else. He is a two-hundred-year-old Wook-oy and a sight to behold, and despite his feral features, he still somehow manages to appear wise. Ben speaks to the Wook-oy, pointing to Qusai several times during his conversation and the huge creature suddenly lets out a horrifying laugh. Qusai is more than a little bit disconcerted and pretends not to hear the conversation between Ben and the giant Wook-oy.

Trying not to show his discomfort, Qusai quietly sips his drink, looking over the crowd for a more sympathetic ear or whatever. A large, multiple-eyed Creature gives him a rough shove.

UGLY THING: Elop ym ees annaw?!?

The hideous freak is obviously drunk. Qusai tries to ignore the creature and turns back on his drink. A short, grubby Human and an even smaller rodent-like beast join the belligerent monstrosity.

DOCTOR KEVORKAZAN: He doesn't like you.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I'm heartbroken.

DOCTOR KEVORKAZAN: I don't like you either.

The big creature is getting agitated and yells out some unintelligible gibberish at the now rather nervous, young adventurer.

DOCTOR KEVORKAZAN: [continuing] Don't insult us. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. Ironic that its illegal to help a man die, and then the penalty is death... That's why I have the death sentence in twelve systems.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I'll be careful than.

DOCTOR KEVORKAZAN: You'll be dead!

The rodent lets out a loud grunt and everything at the bar moves away. Qusai tries to remain cool but it isn't easy. His three adversaries ready their weapons. Old Ben moves in behind Qusai.

BEN LADEN: This little one isn't worth the effort. Come let me buy you something...

A powerful blow from the unpleasant creature sends the young would-be Jyhad sailing across the room, crashing through tables and breaking a large jug filled with a foul-looking liquid. With a blood-curdling shriek, the monster draws a wicked chrome laser pistol from his belt and levels it at old Ben. The bartender panics.

BARTENDER: No blasters! No blaster!

With astounding agility old Ben's nuke-sword sparks to life with a blindingly bright flash of light, and before most patrons can see past the glare, an arm lies on the floor. The rodent is cut in two and the giant multiple-eyed creature lies doubled, cut from chin to groin. Ben carefully and precisely turns off his laser sword and replaces it on his utility belt. Qusai, shaking and totally amazed at the old man's abilities, attempts to stand. The entire fight has lasted only a matter of seconds. The cantina goes back to normal, although Ben is given a respectable amount of room at the bar. Qusai, rubbing his bruised head, approaches the old man with new awe. Ben points the the Wook-oy.

BEN LADEN: This is Jewbacca. He's first-mate on a ship that might suit our needs.

Strange creatures with big heads play exotic big band music on odd-looking instruments as Qusai, still giddy, downs a fresh drink and follows Ben and Jewbacca to a booth where Udai Solo is sitting. Udai is a tough, roguish starpilot about thirty years old. A mercenary on a starship, he is simple, sentimental, and cocksure.

UDAI SOLO: Udai Solo. I'm captain of the Morpheus Falcon. Jewie here tells me you're looking for passage to the Afghaneraan system.

BEN LADEN: Yes, indeed. If it's a fast ship.

UDAI SOLO: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Morpheus Falcon?

BEN LADEN: Should I have?

UDAI SOLO: It's the ship that downloaded the Daredevil trailer in less than twelve seconds! Not the low-res version mind, the full-screen DVD quality one.

Ben reacts to Solo's stupid attempt to impress them with irrelevant information.

BEN LADEN: But does is FLY fast?

UDAI SOLO: I've outrun Imperial Carriers, Ebay's bill collecters and dozens of angry ex-girlfriends. She's fast enough for you, old man. What's the cargo?

BEN LADEN: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.

UDAI SOLO: What is it? Some kind of local trouble?

BEN LADEN: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any Imperial entanglements.

UDAI SOLO: Well, that's the real trick, isn't it? And it's going to cost you something extra. Ten thousand - in advance. We don't accept Afghaneraan Express...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Ten thousand? We could almost buy our own ship for that!

UDAI SOLO: But who's going to fly it, kid! You?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You bet I could. I'm not such a bad pilot myself! We don't have to sit here and listen...

BEN LADEN: We haven't that much with us. But we could pay you two thousand now, plus fifteen when we reach Afghaneraan.

UDAI SOLO: Seventeen, huh! ...Okay. You guys got yourself a ship. We'll leave as soon as you're ready. Docking bay Ninety-four.

BEN LADEN: Ninety-four.

UDAI SOLO: Looks like somebody's beginning to take an interest in your handiwork.

Old Ben and Qusai turn around to see four Imperial Stormtroopers looking at the dead bodies and asking the bartenders some questions. The bartender points to the booth.

STORMTROOPER 37: All right, we'll check it out.

The Stormtroopers look over at the booth but Qusai and Ben are gone. The bartender shrugs his shoulders in puzzlement.

UDAI SOLO: Seventeen thousand! Those guys must really be desperate. This could really save my neck. Get back to the ship and get her ready.

JEWBACCA: [enthusiastic roar] Nec 'oniyah merea'

----------

Back out in the street, they meet up with the droids.

BEN LADEN: You'll have to sell your speeder.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: That's okay. I'm never coming back to this planet again. It should make some stupid Nerdwa very happy.

----------

As Udai is about to leave, Greed0, a slimy green-faced alien with a short trunk-nose, pokes a gun in his side. Like most bounty hunters, the creature speaks in a twisted l33t-speak, though here it is translated into English.

GREED0: Oota guta Udai?
[Going somewhere, Udai?]

UDAI SOLO: Yes, Greed0. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Jabba that I've got his money.

He sits back down and the alien sits across from him holding the gun on him.

GREED0: 2 l8 t00l. j@bb@ gon r0Xx0r u! b1g$$$$ h@k u... FIRST!
[It's too late. You should have paid him when you had the chance. Jabba's put a price on your head so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first.]

UDAI SOLO: Yeah, but this time I got the money. So if you'd just let me go, I'll let him know what a good job you're doing...

GREED0: ur GP 0r ur HP!
[If you give it to me, I might forget I found you.]

UDAI SOLO: I don't have it WITH me. Tell Jabba...

GREED0: J@bb@ r@p3 u! u c|_3@r f1l3z u luzr
[Jabba's through with you. He has no time for smugglers who download everything but share no files in return. And to make it worse, you cleared your drive at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.]

UDAI SOLO: Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I wanted them to find all that junk on my drive? They'd think I was a giant pervert like your tubby-assed boss!

While speaking, Udai slowly reaches for his gun under the table.

GREED0: u s/\y 2 J@bb@. u luKee J@bb@ lewt 0|\|Ly ur 5h1p
[You can tell that to Jabba. He may only take your ship.]

UDAI SOLO: Over my dead body.

GREED0: GR33D0 = r0XX0r u!
[That's the idea. I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time.]

UDAI SOLO: Yes, I'll bet you have. Maybe in your next life you'll learn how to spell.

Suddenly the slimy alien disappears in a blinding flash of light. Udai pulls his smoking gun from beneath the table as the other patrons look on in bemused amazement. Udai gets up and starts out of the cantina, flipping the bartender some coins as he leaves.

UDAI SOLO: Sorry about the mess. Damn elite-speak munchkins.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: BIG-RED-BUTTON ROOM
----------
-

DARTH CHENEY: Ali's resistance to the mind probe is considerable. [BEEP BEEP] It will be some time before we can extract any useful information.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Odd, the Ambassador seemed like a wuss to me...

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Exactly. The slightest hint of torture sets off an almost catatonic wailing... [BEEP BEEP] Any responses are rendered completely incomprehensible.

An Imperial Officer interrupts the meeting.

IMPERIAL OFFICER: The final check-out is complete. All systems are operational. What course shall we set?

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Perhaps an alternative form of persuasion is in order... something less physical.

DARTH CHENEY: What do you mean? [BEEP]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station. [To Helmsman] Set your course for the Ambassador's home planet: Afghaneraan.

HELMSMAN: From what I've heard of that dump, they'll consider this urban renewal.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Leave the humor to the mains...

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] Bigtime.

-
----------
TIKRITOOINE: MOSUL EISLEY SPACEPORT
----------
-

Standing in a sleazy used speeder lot, Ben and Qusai barter with a tall, grotesque, insect-like used speeder dealer. Strange exotic bodies and spindly-legged beasts pass by as the insect concludes the sale by giving Qusai some coins.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: He says it's the best he can do. Since XP came out, there just isn't much demand for these old '98s. And its more than those worthless Nerdwas could offer... they make it out to be the best thing since TIVO, then all they have to trade for it are comic books!

BEN LADEN: Nerdwas have little understanding of the real world. In any case, we got enough to take us to Afghaneraan.

Leaving the speeder lot, Ben and Qusai walk down the dusty alleyway past a small robot herding a bunch of anteater-like creatures. Qusai turns and gives one last forlorn look at his faithful speeder as he rounds a corner. A darkly clad creature moves out of the shadows as they pass and watches them as they disappear down another alley.

BEN LADEN: If the ship's as fast as he's boasting, we ought to do well.

----------

Jabba the Gates and a half-dozen grisly alien pirates and purple creatures stand in the middle of the Docking Bay 94. Jabba is the grossest of the slavering hulks: a fat, slug-like creature with large round eyes, huge thick glasses and a giant ugly mouth. He inches his way around the ship, looking up at it, and hollering in a more chatty dialect of elite-speak.

JABBA THE GATES: Hey Ud! Cum 2 channel "gates", lagger!
[Come on out, Solo!]

A voice from directly behind the pirates startles them and they turn around to see Udai Solo and the giant Wook-oy, Jewbacca, standing behind them with no weapons in sight.

UDAI SOLO: I've been waiting for you, Jabba.

JABBA THE GATES: tot so
[I expected you would be.]

UDAI SOLO: I'm not the type to run.

JABBA THE GATES: [Fatherly-Smooth] y u suk 2day boy? gimme my $! &y u pk Greed0?
[Udai, my boy, there are times when you disappoint me... why haven't you paid me? And why did you have to fry poor Greed0 like that... after all we've been through together.]

UDAI SOLO: You sent Greed0 to blast me.

JABBA THE GATES: [Dismissive] /me uber rich, wuz afk...
[I'm a businessman worth billions, I can't be expected to remember all my wheelings and deelings...]

UDAI SOLO: Well next time you want to talk with me, don't send one of those scrubs. If you've got something to say to me, come see me yourself, or send me a holo.

JABBA THE GATES: Ud, Ud. y u del /my lewt? /me know u l33t, so /me group w/u, even tho u dl /all but share nada. But 0 xeptionz for bizness. wtf am I if /all_guild drop when dey c nme ship?

[Udai, Udai. If only you hadn't had to dump all that data... I know you're the best smuggler around... that's why I give you so much leeway, even though you download hundreds of files from my network while uploading nothing in return. It's called file "sharing", not file "freeloading"... BUT, I let you get away with it. [Adjusts his glasses] However, when it comes to business, I can't make exeptions. Where would I be if every pilot who smuggled for me dumped their shipment at the first sign of an Imperial starship?]

UDAI SOLO: You know, even I get boarded sometimes, Jabba. I had no choice, but I've got an easy charter now and I can pay you back, plus a little extra. I just need some more time.

JABBA THE GATES: [To his goons] w8 boyz. u pay xtra 20%, /me chillz.
[Stand down boys. Udai, my boy, I'm only doing this because you're the best and I need you. So, for an extra, say... twenty percent I'll give you a little more time...]

UDAI SOLO: Woah, fifteen percent. Don't push it...

JABBA THE GATES: k, but u snafu /me put UBER pk on u.
[Alright, but this is it. If you disappoint me again, I'll put a price on your head so large you won't be able to go near a civilized system for the rest of your short life.]

UDAI SOLO: Jabba, as always, it's a pleasure doing business with you.

JEWBACCA: [Hearty, almost laughing] 'Attah DARAK yaldah! Nashaq zow bariy' chamowrrrrrr-rr-rr!

The bloated billionnaire mafioso and his goons ignore the growl-like Wook-oy language, as do most people who don't know it, and they clear out, though masked bounty hunter Boba Jobs casts a long assessing glance at Udai as he leaves. As soon as they're all gone, Udai gives his buddy a rough shove, although it barely budges Jewie.

UDAI SOLO: You dumbass! We're lucky those jerks don't speak Woobrew! Are you trying to get us killed?

JEWBACCA: Bal, zow yesh 'attah 'abad.

UDAI SOLO: Besides, its not ass-kissing, its just how you have to talk to big-business, big-ego, big-asses like him.

----------

The imposing figure of Jewbacca waits restlessly at the entrance to Docking Bay 94. Ben, Qusai, and the robots make their way up the street. Jewbacca jabbers excitedly and signals for them to hurry. The darkly clad creature has followed them from the speeder lot. He stops in a nearby doorway and speaks into a small transmitter.

The group follows Jewbacca into a giant dirt pit that is Docking Bay 94. Resting in the middle of the huge hole is a large, round, beat-up, pieced-together hunk of junk that could only loosely be called a starship.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What a piece of junk.

The tall figure of Udai Solo comes down the boarding ramp.

UDAI SOLO: She'll make point five beyond the warp speed. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've added some special modifications myself.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Like what? The aluminun siding holding together your hyperdrive?

Jewbacca rushes up the ramp and urges the others to follow.

UDAI SOLO: We're a little rushed, so if you'll hurry aboard we'll get out of here.

They rush up the gang plank, passing a grinning Udai Solo. Inside, Jewbacca settles into the pilot's chair and starts the mighty engines of the starship. Qusai, Ben, FU-2, and MP-3 pass Solo heading into the narrow hallways of the Morpheus Falcon.

FU-2: Hello, sir. I am FU-2, human-cyborg rela...

UDAI SOLO: Hurry up you walking metal mouth.

SERGEANT 37: Which way?

The darkly clad creature points to the door of the docking bay.

SERGEANT 37: All right, men, remember: don't fire until the trooper ahead of you is out of the way!

The troops hold their guns at the ready and charge down the docking bay entrance.

SERGEANT 37: Stop that ship! Blast 'em!

As Udai Solo looks up and sees the Imperial Stormtroopers rushing into the docking bay, several of the troopers fire. One of the ones in the front is felled by the man behind him, while dozens of shots hit the ground and the walls of the docking bay.

STORMTROOPER 174: Oops! Sorry Sarge!

Several shots actually hit the ship, since hand-held rifles can't really damage starship plating, and since the shots were aimed at Udai rather than the ship itself. As he ducks into the spaceship, Udai draws his blaster pistol and pops off a couple of shots around the corner as the ramp rises behind. The Stormtroopers are forced to dive for safety. The pirateship engines whine as the entry ramp finally seals.

UDAI SOLO: Jewie, get us out of here!

The passengers strap in for take off.

FU-2: Oh, my. I'd forgotten how much I hate space travel.

The half-dozen Stormtroopers are knocked sprawling by the shockwave as the ship's drive kicks in, and the Morpheus Falcon rises in a steep arc towards space, quickly disappearing into the morning sky.

Captain Udai climbs into the pilot's chair next to Jewbacca, who chatters away as he points to something on the radar scope.

JEWBACCA: C@phiynah 'oniy!

Frantically, Udai types information into the ship's computer. Little MP-3 appears momentarily at the cockpit doorway, makes a few beeping remarks, then scurries away.

MP-3: #YOU GOT ANOTHER THING COMING by Judas Priest#

UDAI SOLO: Yeah, it looks like an Imperial Carrier. Our passengers must be hotter than Twilek strippers. Try and hold them off. Angle the deflector shield while I make the calculations for the jump to hyperspeed.

The Morpheus Falcon races away from the yellow planet. It is followed by two huge Imperial Carriers. Over the shoulders of Jewbacca and Udai, Qusai and Ben can see the galaxy spread before them in the panoramic cocpit windows. Qusai and Ben make their way into the cramped cockpit where Udai continues his calculation.

UDAI SOLO: Stay sharp! There are two more coming in; they're going to try to cut us off.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast.

UDAI SOLO: Watch your mouth, kid, or you're going to find yourself floating home. We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. In the meantime, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose them!

A huge missile streaks by a few meters away at high speed.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Good thing they don't aim any better than Stormtroopers...

UDAI SOLO: Actually, kid, that was just a tracer round. They're just getting their aim. The difference between these cruisers and the "white weenies" is an Imperial Carrier carries enough ordinance paint the spacelanes... some of it has to hit. Yep, here's where the fun begins!

Soon Qusai began to see what he meant as the real barrage started. A stream of missiles - a stream as wide around as their ship - began shooting past them. At first the missiles were flying harmlessly into the vastness of space, but the giant warship began sweeping the stream towards the small smuggling vessel like a giant laser-pointer trying to hit a fly.

JEWBACCA: [Urgent] 'Ow NUWTH 'ow muwth!

UDAI SOLO: I'm on it!

The dashing smuggler pulls the Falcon into a tight barrel roll around the wave of missiles, then rocks the ship sideways (relative to the attacker) and begins sweeping to the Carrier's left as the barrage lags behind trying to follow the erratic maneuvers of their target. Inside, the passengers are jerked around and thrown from side to side, but nowhere near as much as the rapid ship movements would suggest, thanks to inertial dampers.

BEN LADEN: How long before you can make the jump to light speed?

UDAI SOLO: It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navi-computer.

The ship begins to rock violently as Udai's concentration lapses and several missiles glance off it. He jerks back on the controls and puts some more distance between them and the missile stream.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Are you kidding? At the rate they're gaining... how many tons of explosives are they going to throw at us???

UDAI SOLO: As much as it takes to wipe us out! Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy! Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova and that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it? The real question is how much are you fugitives worth to attract this kind of heat?

BEN LADEN: Oh, I don't know. I used to be worth about 25 million, but that was almost twenty years ago... plus inflation... then there's this new debacle... Of course, you're aiding and abetting us now, so there's no way for you to collect. Not that you'd ever think of stooping so low.

UDAI SOLO: [Very un-enthusiastic] Never... [Under his breath] you cunning old bastard...

The ship is now constantly battered with missiles, as the stream has apparently found its mark and Udai can do no more than keep them at the edge so the don't feel the full brunt of it. A red warning light begins to flash.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What's that flashing?

UDAI SOLO: We're losing our deflector shield. Go strap yourself in, I'm going to make the jump to hyperspace.

The galaxy brightens and they move faster, almost as if crashing a barrier. Stars become streaks as the smuggler's ship makes the jump to hyperspace.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: BIG-RED-BUTTON ROOM
----------
-

The small green planet of Afghaneraan looms large in the viewscreen of the MOAB STAR's main command center. Admiral Powers enters the quiet control room and bows before Governor Tarfeld, who stands before the huge wall screen.

ADMIRAL POWERS: We've entered the Afghaneraan system.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Ooh, brilliant deduction. Don't fail to inform me next time you come up with a memo of such importance...

Darth Cheney and two Stormtroopers enter with Ambassador Ali, who cowers with bound hands.

AMBASSADOR ALI: Governor Tarfeld, I should have expected to find you holding Cheney's leash. Can you tell him to sit or something? Cause he's really kindof uptight, and he threatens me a lot, and it makes me sort of uncomfortable...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Charming to the last. You realize of course that I'm not here to rescue you but in fact to oversee our "investigation" into rebel activity. And by investigation, I mean extermination and disection. You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life!

AMBASSADOR ALI: Well if it makes you uncomfortable you could just rescind it, I mean you are in charge...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Ali, as heir to the thrown of Afghaneraan, before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now.

PRINCE ALI: [Summoning up the courage] Th-th-the more you tighten your grip, Tarfeld, the more star systems will slip through your fingers. Like so many well-oiled ball bearings... And your hair is oily! And...[Trailing off as the speech loses all of its dramatic impact]

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: [Condescending] You are wrong.

PRINCE ALI: What? About your hair?

DARTH CHENEY: Heh. [BEEP BEEP] You are very humourous for someone whose life is forfeit.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Nothing will dare challenge our "grip" after we demonstrate the power of this station. In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power... on your home planet of Afghaneraan.

PRINCE ALI: Are y-you sure that's ne-necessary? Afghaneraan is already a bit of a dump... We have no weapons, no Starbucks, and the local content rules mean our cable TV really blows...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: You would prefer another target? A military target? Then name the system!

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: [After a menacing pause] I grow tired of asking this. So it will be the last time. Where is the Rebel base?

INTERCOM: FINAL APPROACH TO AFGHANERAAN. WE ARE WITHIN FIRING RANGE NOW.

AMBASSADOR ALI: Umm... a military target... uh, how about the dockyards at Sienar Fleet Systems. That place is as military as they come... they make thousands of TIE fighters a day! I mean, that's like space-fighter central. Hoo-boy what a target that would be...

DARTH CHENEY: You see Tarfeld, [BEEP BEEP] it is a waste of time.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Are you kidding? This Ambassador is a waste of protein... [To Powers] Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.

AMBASSADOR ALI: But... but my family!

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Yes, your family. Think of this as improving the local gene pool. Once you are executed, the galaxy will be rid of at least one threat to its continued existance. I realize that saving the galaxy is against policy, but I'll consider it my good deed for the decade.

AMBASSADOR ALI: You can't do this! How can you go through with it?

DARTH CHENEY: For your information, this weapon, [BEEP BEEP] is technically legal, because the treaties on Weapons of Mass Destruction don't include lasers. [BEEP BEEP]

ADMIRAL POWERS: Commence primary ignition, baby!

The exuberent Admiral punches the Big-Red-Button, which switches on a panel of lights. A hooded Imperial gunner reaches overhead and pulls a lever, then another. Another gunner reaches for still another lever and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up. The no-smoking sign in the command room lights up.

A huge beam of light emanates from within a cone-shaped area and converges into a single laser beam out toward Afghaneraan. The beam impacts with the planet creating a growing charred black crater, but the surface of the small green planet begins bubbling up at points all around the globe. Almost instantly, the entire surface of Aghaneraan is boiling, then with shocking finality the orb explodes into flame and molten rock, flaring into the surrounding space and cooling rapidly into asteroids.

ADMIRAL POWERS: That's the Mother of all Beams! Does it make you horny?

Grand Moff Tarfeld looks condescendingly at him for spoiling his dramatic moment, but before he can come up with an impressive line to rescue the feeling of terror and drama, Darth Cheney expresses his uncharacteristically good mood:

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] My favorite part was when the planet exploded.[BEEP]

-
----------
HYPERSPACE: MORPHEUS FALCON
----------
-

Ben watches Qusai practice the nukesaber with a small "seeker" robot. Ben suddenly turns away and sits down. He falters, seems almost faint.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Are you all right? What's wrong?

BEN LADEN: I felt a great disturbance in the Way... as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and then bought it. Unless it was just Jewbacca's cooking coming back up. Either way, I fear something terrible has happened.

The old man rubs his forehead, looking suddenly much older. He seems to drift into a trance. Then he fixes his gaze on Qusai, just as Udai Solo enters the room.

BEN LADEN: You'd better get on with your exercises.

UDAI SOLO: Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperial slugs. I told you I'd outrun 'em.

Nobody appears to be listening though, as Ben looks ill and Qusai is once again practicing with the nukesaber.

UDAI SOLO: Don't everyone thank me at once. Anyway, we should be at Afghaneraan about oh-two-hundred hours.

FU-2 watches Jewbacca and MP-3 who are engrossed in a game in which three-dimensional holographic figures move along a chess-type board.

Jewbacca and the two droids sit around the lighted table covered with small holographic monsters. Each side of the table has a small computer monitor embedded in it. Jewbacca seems very pleased with himself as he rests his lanky fur-covered arms over his head.

FU-2: Now be careful, MP-3.

MP-3: #PLAYING WITH KNIVES by Bizarre Inc#

Reaching up with a flimsy-looking claw exenting out of one of his miriad compartments, MP-3 taps the computer, causing one of the holographic creatures to walk to the new square. A sudden frown crosses Jewbacca's face and he begins yelling gibberish at the tiny robot.

JEWBACCA: 'Attah shaqaR pashat Chotsen!

Interceding on behalf of his small companion, FU-2 begins to argue with the huge Wook-oy.

FU-2: His Death Knight crushed your Farseer fair and square. Screaming about it won't help you.

UDAI SOLO: [Interrupting] Let him have it. It's not wise to upset a Wook-oy.

FU-2: No offense, sir, but nobody worries about upsetting a droid.

UDAI SOLO: That's 'cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their socket when they lose. Wook-oys are known to do that.

FU-2: [Under his breath] No matter how much we want to... [To Udai] I see your point, sir. [Turns back to the game] I suggest a new strategy, MP-3. Let the Wook-oy win.

The smaller, armless droid takes this under consideration, but retorts:

MP-3: #WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN by Creed#

Qusai stands in the middle of the small hold area; he seems frozen in place. A humming nukesaber is held high over his head. Ben watches him from the corner, studying his movements. Udai observes this with a bit of smugness, although he has to shield his eyes against the solar brightness of the sword.

BEN LADEN: Remember, a Jyhad Knight can feel the Way flowing through him.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You mean it controls your actions?

BEN LADEN: Partially. But it also obeys your commands. Its like free download utilities... they download needed upgrades off the net, but when they ask if you want to upgrade to the paid version you have to click "LATER" every STINKIN' time even though by later you mean NEVER FROM NOW TO THE TIME THE UNIVERSE COLLAPSES WILL YOU RECIEVE COMPENSATION FOR PROVIDING A HELPFUL SERVICE!... Sorry, Quicktime Player really ticks me off, and that disturbance in the Way has kindof thrown off my cool mentor attitude.

Suspended at eye level, about ten feet in front of Qusai, a "seeker", a chrome baseball-like robot covered with antennae, hovers slowly in a wide arc. The ball floats to one side of the youth then to the other. Suddenly it makes a lightning-swift lunge and stops within a few feet of Qusai's face. He doesn't move and the ball backs off. It slowly moves behind the boy, then makes another quick lunge, this time emitting a blood red laser beam as it attacks. It hits Qusai in the leg causing him to tumble over. Udai lets loose with a burst of laughter.

UDAI SOLO: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You don't believe in the Way, do you?

UDAI SOLO: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny.

The old sage, having regained his composure after that brief Quicktime inspired outburst, smiles quietly.

UDAI SOLO: It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.

BEN LADEN: I suggest you try it again, Qusai. [Ben places a large helmet on Qusai's head which covers his eyes.] This time, let go your conscious self and act on instinct.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Laughing] With the blast shield down, I can't even see. How am I supposed to fight?

BEN LADEN: Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them.

UDAI SOLO: Yeah, you're a teenager from the Tikritooine. You should act your age and think with your twin-suns.

BEN LADEN: Just ignore him. Now, stretch out with your feelings...

Ben throws the seeker into the air. The ball shoots straight up in the air, then drops like a rock. Qusai swings the nuke-saber around blindly missing the seeker, which fires off a laserbolt which hits him square on the seat of the pants. He lets out a painful yell and attempts to hit the seeker. Udai just smirks.

BEN LADEN: Now imagine yourself hitting laughing-boy captain here...

With an expression of intense concentration, Qusai stands in one place, seemingly frozen. The seeker makes a dive at Qusai and, incredibly, he managed to deflect the bolt. The ball jolts over to the right and up and fires again, but with a sweep of his energy blade he stops that one too, then he lashes out quickly and actually hits the training seeker, launching it across the room to where it beans Udai right in the head before falling to the ground, half of it melted into slag.

UDAI SOLO: [Rubbing his forehead] OW! Goddamn son of a bitch...

BEN LADEN: You see, you can do it.

UDAI SOLO: I call it luck. A one in a million chance.

BEN LADEN: In my experience, there's no such thing as luck. Would you like him to try it again?

UDAI SOLO: No thanks, I've got work to do.

It isn't only an excuse, because Solo has noticed a small light flashing on the far side of the control panel.

UDAI SOLO: Looks like we're coming up on Afghaneraan.

He and Jewbacca head back to the cockpit.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You know, I really did feel something. I could almost see the Udai's smug face, and when I struck there, that was right where the seeker was.

BEN LADEN: That's good. You have taken your first step into a larger world.

No flash

-
----------
MOAB STAR: CAFETERIA
----------
-

The prim figure of Grand Moff Tarfeld, Imperial Governor of the Outer territories and most feared despot of the sector, darkens the doorway of the cafeteria. He glowers at the scene in distaste. Unfortunately, Admiral Powers is the first to notice. The Admiral is seated at his habitual table, surrounded by his habitual entourage of fawning female interns.

ADMIRAL POWERS: Heya bossman, how's it hangin'? Not everyday you pay us a visit down here...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: The executive lunchroom is being renovated. Had I been notified, I would have rescheduled the maintenance so that it would not interfere with my personal schedule.

The tyrant locates an empty table and sits down. All the surrounding tables immediately vacate without a word, but Admiral Powers, seemingly oblivious to the man's fearsome aura, sits down next to him. Even Powers' women are smart enough to stay well back from the frowning dictator.

ADMIRAL POWERS: I heard that your lunchroom was being refitted because of a radiation leak during the big test run on Afghaneraan. Hey, there's Darth. DARTH! [He waves energetically] Over here!

Seeing Tarfeld, the mystical overlord approaches with meal tray in hand, and sits down at the same table, though he glares menacingly at Powers.

DARTH CHENEY: My name is not "Darth". [BEEP BEEP] That is my title as a Sith Lord. You may address me simply as [BEEP] "Lord Cheney". [Turning to Tarfeld] It is fortunate that we were upstairs with the Ambassador when we destroyed the planet, since we were scheduled to be in the dining room at that hour. [BEEP] Were I a suspicious man, I would suggest foul play on the part of whoever scheduled that appointment.

The Dark Lord glances back at the ever oblivious Powers.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Yes, I have commanded an inquiry, although if that were the case the would-be conspirator would have to have been a fool to think that I would be anywhere other than the B.R.B. Command Center during the inaugural MOAB cannon firing.

Governor Tarfeld also casts a suspicious glance in Powers' direction, but then begins to look around.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Where are the blasted waiters?

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] Unlike the executive hall, there are no waiters here. [BEEP BEEP] This facility is crude, but the buffet is adequate. I took 3 portions of steak, and there was no one to stop me this time.[BEEP]

ADMIRAL POWERS: I like to eat down here, cause of all the lovely ladies. [Looking down at the mountain of meat on the Sith Lord's plate] Didn't the dietician forbid red meat because of your, you know, condition?

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: You don't eat here because you prefer it, Admiral, you eat here because you were banned from the executive dining hall...

While Tarfeld eyes the obnoxious Admiral with clear disdain, the tall Sith Lord replies to the Admiral's second statement, blasting his nosy critique like the rumble of an approaching thunderstorm:

DARTH CHENEY: I was not encased in a monolithic powered armor life support suit to eat salad, [BEEP BEEP] nor was I augmented with a cybernetic pacemaker assist unit [BEEP] so that my heart could do all the work. I am not used to eating with you.

He turns to Tarfeld once again.

DARTH CHENEY: He is very [BEEP BEEP] annoying.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: That is why I had him assigned to the regular mess-hall rather than the executive one where we and the other Admirals eat. So you are saying I have to get up and serve myself?

ADMIRAL POWERS: Its not so bad. If you bus your own tray, you can actually hear the trash compactors crunching stuff two levels down.

The whirring, grinding noise of the food processor in Cheney's helmet slows to a stop, and he puts his now-empty plate back down on the tray, wiping the vents/food-inputs of his facemask on the end of his cape. He stands triumphantly.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP BEEP] I shall go with you. I shall have my desert, and the food you refer to will soon be in your hands. [He wags a finger meaningfully, then clenches his hand into a fist] And we have Starbucks.[BEEP]

With a heartfelt, embarassed sigh, Tarfeld rises to accompany Darth Cheney back to the buffet. On the way, Cheney whispers to him, although between his accustomed hollering and his incessant pacemaker tone, the attention of the entire room was focused on their conversation anyway.

DARTH CHENEY: Should I execute him? [He cracks his black-gloved knuckles] I feel like I haven't choked anyone in almost an hour.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Tempting, but no. I checked, and the replacement lined up for him is that imbecile Ozzel. In fact, I had to pull some favours to prevent that mustached moron from getting this assignment in the first place. I'll spare him for now... consider it my good deed for the decade.

DARTH CHENEY: You said you used your good deed for the decade by wiping Ali's gene pool from the cosmos. [BEEP BEEP] Remember in the Big-Red-Button room?

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Ah yes...

DARTH CHENEY: Hehe. [BEEP] My favorite part was when the planet exploded.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Alright, then we'll call it your good deed for the decade.

DARTH CHENEY: 'fraid not. [BEEP] I used mine up maiming the Gungans.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: How could maiming aliens be construed as a good deed?

DARTH CHENEY: Because, [BEEP] I didn't kill them.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Touche. Very well then, we will call it HIS good deed for the decade.

DARTH CHENEY: That doesn't make much sense. [BEEP]

Behind the two despots, Powers' girls have crowded around him again already.

ADMIRAL POWERS: Any of you girls like to share my sausage? Rowrrr... hehe

The Sith Lord (with the bottom corner of his cape still stained red from steak sauce), and the Grand Moff have reached the counter, and Tarfeld fills his plate with veal parmesan and hot wings, while Darth Cheney orders a Swiss-MoChapachino Latte from the Starbucks.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: True, it doesn't make much sense to count not killing him as HIS good deed. Tell you what: if he complains, you can kill him.

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] As you wish.

-
----------
HYPERSPACE: MORPHEUS FALCON
----------
-

The smuggler's ship is just coming out of hyperspace; a strange surreal light show surrounds the ship.

UDAI SOLO: Stand by, Jewie, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines.

Captain Solo pulls back on a control lever. Outside the cockpit window stars begin streaking past, seem to decrease in speed, then stop. Suddenly the starship begins to shudder and violently shake about. Asteroids begin to race toward them, battering the sides of the ship.

UDAI SOLO: What the...? Aw, we've come out of hyperspace into a meteor shower. Some kind of asteroid collision. It's not on any of the charts.

JEWBACCA: Keph ma'owz Challamiysh tsuwRRrrr...

The Wook-oy flips off several controls and seems very cool in the emergency. Qusai makes his way into the bouncing cockpit.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What's going on?

JEWBACCA: Keph ma'owz Challamiysh tsuwRRrrr...

UDAI SOLO: What Jewbacca said. Our position is correct, except... no, Afghaneraan!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What do you mean? Where is it?

UDAI SOLO: Thats what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been totally blown away. The planet has been replaced with a vacant parking spot.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What? How?

BEN LADEN: [Slinking up behind them ominously] Destroyed... by the Empire!

UDAI SOLO: The entire starfleet couldn't destroy the whole planet. It'd take a thousand ships a thousand years... Hell, if a thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters could produce the entire collected works of Star Trek, then I could whip out a better explanation of what happened to the planet with 3 monkeys, 5 minutes...

BEN LADEN: Your cynicism is noted. I can wait forty-eight seconds for you to see that I'm right.

A signal light starts flashing on the control panel and a muffled alarm starts humming.

UDAI SOLO: Whatever, old man. There's another ship coming in.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Maybe they know what happened.

BEN LADEN: It's an Imperial fighter.

UDAI SOLO: [Sarcastic] I hope you're not going to try to tell me THAT blew up Afghaneraan.

JEWBACCA: [Sarcastic] Pashach b@'ad sherets.

A few laser bolts streak by, some of them vaporizing small asteroids and rocking the ship with sprays of debris. A tiny Imperial TIE fighter races past the cockpit window.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It followed us!

UDAI SOLO: No you scrub, it's a short range fighter. There aren't any bases around here. Where did it come from?

JEWBACCA: ...rrrrachowq qen.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: It sure is leaving in a big hurry. If they identify us, we're in big trouble.

UDAI SOLO: Not if I can help it. Jewie: jam it's transmissions.

BEN LADEN: It'd be as well to let it go... IF it's too far out of range...

UDAI SOLO: Not for long... lets see how an Imperial likes being outmassed and outgunned for once...

The tension mounts as the ship gains on the tiny fighter. In the distance, one of the stars becomes brighter until it is obvious that the TIE ship is heading for it. Ben stands behind Jewbacca.

UDAI SOLO: A fighter that size couldn't get this deep into space on its own. Where the hell'd it come from?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Then he must have gotten lost, been part of a Carrier Group or something...

UDAI SOLO: Well, he ain't going to be around long enough to tell anyone about us. We're gonna send him home vacuum packed.

The TIE fighter is losing ground to the larger pirateship as they race through space, skirting the edge of the ever expanding debris field that was once Afghaneraan. The distant star the TIE was heading for can now be distinguished as a small moon or planet.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Look at him. He's heading for that small moon.

UDAI SOLO: I think I can get him before he gets there... he's almost in range.

BEN LADEN: That's no moon. It's a space station.

UDAI SOLO: It's too big to be a space station.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I have a very bad feeling about this.

BEN LADEN: [Checks his watch] It will have been forty-eight seconds in 5...4...3...2...

UDAI SOLO: [As the giant sphere grows closer, and more sinister gray detail becomes evident...] Yeah, I think you're right. Don't look so damn smug old man! Full reverse, Jewie, lock in the auxiliary power...

The Falcon shudders and the TIE fighter accelerates away toward the gargantuan battle station.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Why are we still moving towards it?

JEWBACCA: Ma'ak! N@chach shalliyt!

UDAI SOLO: We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: But there's gotta be something you can do!

UDAI SOLO: There's nothin' I can do about it, kid. I'm in full power and its not enough. I'm going to have to shut down before it tears us apart. But they're not going to get me without a fight!

BEN LADEN: [Puts a hand on his shoulder] You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting. I, for example, spent the last 17 years in a cave...

----------

As the battered starship is towed closer to the awesome metal moon, the immense size of the massive battle station becomes staggering. Running along the equator of the gigantic sphere is a mile-high band of huge docking ports into which the helpless smuggling ship is dragged. After a long, fearful approach, the helpless Morpheus Falcon is pulled past a docking port control room and huge laser turret cannons.

INTERCOM: Clear Bay twenty-three-seven. We are opening the magnetic field. Repeat, Clear Bay twenty-three-seven.

The pirateship is pulled in through port doors of the MOAB Star, coming to rest in a huge hangar. The instant the field opens, one janitor who wasn't paying attention is sucked out into space along with his mop and bucket. His attempts to scream fail utterly in the vacuum. Nevertheless, as soon as the ship is past, the field is reactivated and thirty Stormtroopers stream in, forming up around the ship, and standing at attention in a central assembly area.

DECK OFFICER: Prepare for boarding. They may come out fighting.

A line of stormtroopers march toward the ship in readiness to board it, while other troopers stand with weapons ready to fire.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: CONFERENCE ROOM
----------
-

Tarfeld pushes a button and responds to the intercom buzz.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: Yes?

INTERCOM: We've captured a freighter entering the remains of the Afghaneraan system. It's markings match those of a ship that blasted its way out of Mosul Eisley.

DARTH CHENEY: They must be trying to return the stolen files to that "princess" [BEEP BEEP] we locked up downstairs. Ali may yet be of some use to us.

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: I don't follow... if we already have them, and their entire ship and cargo, then what possible need would we have for leverage in securing their aid? And how come the execution hasn't been carried out yet?

DARTH CHENEY: Well... er... [BEEP BEEP] ...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: What? Do you have a use for that simpering imbecile? A practical use? Then name the system... er, you know what I mean...

DARTH CHENEY: [BEEP] As a matter of fact, I've grown rather attached to torturing the Ambassador. The screaming... the utter agony at even the merest touch of a needle... our Stormtroopers and Officers never scream like that. [BEEP BEEP] It's kind of addictive...

GRAND MOFF TARFELD: You could order the officers to scream.

DARTH CHENEY: It wouldn't be the same... [BEEP] Oh, don't look at me like that... [BEEP] Fine. I'll conduct the termination after my coffee break.

-
----------
MOAB STAR: DOCKING BAY 2037
----------
-

Lord Cheney and a commander approach the troops as an Officer and several heavily armed troops exit the spacecraft.

DECK OFFICER: There's no one on board, sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff. It must be a decoy, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned.

DARTH CHENEY: Did you find any droids or CDs? [BEEP BEEP]

DECK OFFICER: No, sir. Well, I mean, there were plenty of burned CDs but they were all just music files, cracked copies of Splinter Cell, and some kind of bizarre under-age slug porn...

DARTH CHENEY: So, they smuggled for Jabba the Gates. [BEEP]

DECK OFFICER: [Continuing] Most likely sir. Anyhow, none of the CDs we found met your description, and there were no droids. If there were any on board, they must also have jettisoned.

DARTH CHENEY: Well, send an inspecting crew on board. [BEEP] I want every part of this ship scanned.

DECK OFFICER: Yes, sir. Um, pardon my asking, but aren't you scheduled to execute a prisonner right about... ghhh... [Faintly] now...

DARTH CHENEY: [Gesturing distractedly with one hand] I'll get around to it, but right now I sense something... [BEEP BEEP] a presence I haven't felt since... [BEEP]

The tyrant turns quickly and exits the hangar as the cautiously enquiring officer falls to the ground dead, hands locked in place, still clutching his throat. The Officer's understudy steps up and assumes command, as required by standard procedures, implementing Cheney's last order.

NEW DECK OFFICER: Get me a scanning crew in here on the double. I want every part of this ship inspected!

----------

Inside the Morpheus Falcon, a Stormtrooper marches through the hallway heading for the exit. In a few moments all is quiet. The muffled sounds of a distant officer giving orders finally fade. Two floor panels suddenly pop up revealing Udai Solo and Qusai. Ben Laden sticks his head out of a third locker.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Boy, it's lucky you had these compartments.

UDAI SOLO: I use them for smuggling. Jabba's gonna be triple-pissed when he finds out that I lost *another* cargo, but if I hadn't moved out the CDs, there wouldn't have been room for us in here. This is ridiculous. Even if I could take off, I'd never get past the tractor beam.

BEN LADEN: Sabotage, terrorist attacks... Leave that to me!

UDAI SOLO: Damn fool. I knew that you were going to say that!

BEN LADEN: Who's the more foolish... the fool with 25 million dollars on his head, or the fool who follows him?

Udai shakes his head, muttering to himself. Jewbacca pokes his head out of the bin.

JEWBACCA: K@hal 'ayin yosher 'inyan...

----------

The inspectors carry a heavy box on board the ship, past the two Stormtroopers guarding either side of the ramp.

STORMTROOPER 327: The ship's all yours. If the scanners pick up anything, report it immediately.

The crewmen enter the ship and a loud crashing sound is followed by a voice calling to the guard below.

UDAI'S VOICE: Hey down there, could you give us a hand with this?

The Stormtroopers shrug and enter the ship and a quick round of gunfire is heard.

----------

In a very small command office near the entrance to the ship, a Gantry Officer looks out his window and notices the guards are missing. He speaks into the comlink.

GANTRY OFFICER: TX-three-two-seven. Why aren't you at your post? TX-three-two seven, do you copy?

A Stormtrooper comes down the ramp of the Falcon and waves to the gantry officer, pointing to his ear, indicating his comlink is not working. The gantry officer shakes his head in disgust and heads for the door, giving his aide an annoyed look.

GANTRY OFFICER: Take over. We've got another bad transmitter. I told command not to upgrade to the new version of MMX, but noooOOOoo...

As the officer approaches the door, it slides open revealing the towering Jewbacca. The gantry officer, in a momentary state of shock, stumbles backward. With a bone-chilling howl, the giant Wook-oy flattens the officer with one blow. The aide immediately reaches for his pistol, but is blasted by Udai, dressed as an Imperial Stormtrooper. Ben and the robots enter the room quickly followed by Qusai, who is also dressed as a stormtrooper, having mimed com problems a moment ago. Qusai quickly removes his helmet.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Damn these helmets are itchy. I can understand the communicator, and the night-vision, but whats with all these copper wires and sharp leads sticking out? They felt like they were poking into my scalp...

UDAI SOLO: Just do like I did, kid, scrape out or bend all the scratchy bits out of the way.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Yeah, well you know, between his howling and your blasting everything in sight, it's a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here.

JEWBACCA: Shalowm 'al rrrrro'iy shalah...

UDAI SOLO: Bring them on! I'm a smuggler, not a terrorist. Now lets find us an escape route to get the hell off this station.

FU-2: We found the computer outlet, sir.

MP-3: [Angrily] #EVERYTHING I DO by Bryan Adams#

Now that MP-3 has linked to the computer, and FU-2 has stolen some of the credit, the smaller droid pulls up a map of the level on the monitor.

BEN LADEN: Now that he's online, he should be able to interpret the entire Imperial computer network. MP-3, try to locate the schematics of the station's tractor beams.

MP-3: #PHYSICAL ATTRACTION by Madonna#

FU-2: He says he's found the main control to the power beam that's holding the ship here. [Points to monitor] The tractor beam is coupled to the main reactor in seven locations. A power loss at any one of the terminals will allow the ship to leave.

JEWBACCA: Dallah chabarrrr...

UDAI SOLO: Boy, you said it, Jewie. If I ever build a giant evil death-station, remind me to attach systems in parallel, not in series...

BEN LADEN: [Serious] I don't think you boys can help. I must go alone.

UDAI SOLO: Whatever you say. I've done more than I bargained for on this trip already.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I want to go with you!

BEN LADEN: Be patient, Qusai. Stay and watch over the droids.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: But these two can...

BEN LADEN: The droids must be delivered safely or other star systems will suffer the same fate as Afghaneraan. Do you think the Empire will stop once its goals are accomplished? They will just move on to the next target, and the one after that, until no planet is free from their utter domination. Besides, your destiny lies along a different path from mine. The Way will be with you ... always!

Ben adjusts the nukesaber on his belt and silently steps out of the command office, then disappears down a long gray hallway.

UDAI SOLO: Where did you dig up that old fossil?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: [Still peering longingly after Ben] Actually I found him in a cave... [Shakes his head] Look, Ben is a great man.

UDAI SOLO: Yeah, it would have been great if I'd known he was worth 25 million BEFORE I took him on as a passenger and evaded Imperial Carriers on his behalf...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I didn't hear you coming up with any ideas to get us out of this.

UDAI SOLO: Well, anything would be better than just hanging around waiting for them to pick us up...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Then why'd you let him go out all on his own, against a half-million Stormtroopers and god-knows-what security. What do you think are the odds of getting hit by a Stormtrooper?

UDAI SOLO: A million to one...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Yeah? Well by that logic there's a 50% chance he'll die!

FU-2: Actually, sir, the odds of being intentionally shot by a Stormtrooper are over seven million, four-hundred eighty-two thousand...

QUSAI & UDAI TOGETHER: Shut up!

Suddenly MP-3 begins to whistle and beep a blue streak.

MP-3: #NOW THAT I'VE FOUND YOU by Najee#

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: What is it?

FU-2: I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir. He says "I found her," and keeps repeating, "She's here."

MP-3: [Getting really pissed about FU-2's faulty translation] #MAN ON YOUR MIND by Little River Band#

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, who... who has he found?

FU-2: Princess Ali. The one who sent the message to Osama Bin One.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: The princess? She's here?

MP-3: [Insistent] #IT'S RAINING MEN by Weather Girls#

UDAI SOLO: Princess?

Tired of being ignored and misconstrued, MP-3 makes a really angry noise that could not possibly be construed as musical.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Where... where is she? I never did get to see her face...

UDAI SOLO: Princess? What's going on?

FU-2: Level five. Detention block AA-twenty-three. I'm afraid she's scheduled to be terminated.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Oh, no! We've got to do something.

UDAI SOLO: What are you talking about?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: This droid belongs to her. She's the one in the message. We've got to help her!

UDAI SOLO: Now, look, don't get any funny ideas. The old man wants us to wait right here. Where we aren't being shot.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You mean "shot at", there's a difference. Besides, he didn't know she was here. Look, will you just find a way down into the detention block?

UDAI SOLO: I'm not going anywhere.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: They're going to execute her. Look, a few minutes ago you said you didn't want to just wait here to be captured. Now all you want to do is stay.

UDAI SOLO: Marching into the detention area is not what I had in mind.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: But they're going to kill her!

MP-3: #REAL MAN by Bruce Springsteen#

UDAI SOLO: Better her than me...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: She's rich.

JEWBACCA: [Rolling his eyes and looking condescendingly at Udai] Kol Batsa' keceph...

UDAI SOLO: [Ignoring Jewie] Rich?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Yes. Rich, powerful! Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be...

UDAI SOLO: What?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Well, so much that you could afford to BUY all that stuff you download off the net...

UDAI SOLO: That's a lot of downloads kid...

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: You'll get it!

UDAI SOLO: Fine, [Smirks] but its not like I'd actually USE the money on that stuff... I already get it free.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I figured...

JEWBACCA: [Shaking his head, but knows he can't change Udai's mind if money's involved] Halom Shagag 'owd.

UDAI SOLO: All right, kid. But you'd better be right about this! What's your plan?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Uh... FU-2, hand me those binders there will you?

He moves toward Jewbacca with electronic cuffs.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Okay. Now, I'm going to put these on you.

JEWBACCA: [With a hideous growl] Gowy 'owlam Dak!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Ooookaaay. Udai, you put these on.

UDAI SOLO: Don't worry, Jewie. I think I know what he has in mind.

The Wook-oy, who knew perfectly well what not-so-subtle plan the boy had in mind, sighs and lets Udai bind his hands (but not lock the binders properly, such that Jewbacca could just pull them off in a pinch). The guys put their Stormtrooper helmets back on, and get directions to Ali's cell block.

FU-2: Master Qusai, sir! Pardon me for asking... but, ah... what should MP-3 and I do if we're discovered here?

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Lock the door!

UDAI SOLO: What are they gonna do? Shoot it?

FU-2: That isn't very reassuring.

----------

Qusai and Udai try to look inconspicuous in their white armored suits as they wait for a turbolift to arrive. Troops, bureaucrats, and robots bustle about, ignoring the trio completely. Only a few give the giant Wook-oy prisonner a curious glance. Finally a small elevator arrives and the trio enters.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: I can't see a thing in this helmet.

Udai leans out and motions feebly with his hand to see if anyone else wants to catch the elevator before the car leaves, but nobody seems to want to share space with their large, furry friend. The door to the pod-like vehicle slides closed and the elevator car takes off through the turbolift tube.

UDAI SOLO: Hey, this guy had something in his pocket... look at that! A set of those collectable Rebel Main Character cards. Here's Admiral Arafat... hehe "It's a trap!" Don't see what good this one's picture would do for them though, all those fish species look the same.

JEWBACCA: [Mutters] B@liya'al kazab mattah

UDAI SOLO: Don't be so uptight Jewie, they're funny... wait, is that... [Stares in disbelief] Son of a BITCH! He's right here, twenty years younger! King of Spades, Osama Bin-One, bounty 25 million! Am I the only guy who didn't know this guy was worth a fortune?

In frustration, Udai rips the card into little pieces and shoves the rest back into the armor's pants pocket.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Quiet, we're slowing down.

Qusai and Udai step forward to exit the elevator, but the door slides open behind them. Trying not to look surprised (easy enough when your face is hidden by a Stormtrooper helmet), the giant Wook-oy and his two guards enter the old gray security station. Guards and automated lasers are everywhere. Udai whispers to Qusai.

UDAI SOLO: [Under his breath] This is not going to work.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Why didn't you say so before?

UDAI SOLO: I did say so before!

A tall, grim looking Officer approaches the trio.

WARDEN: Where are you taking this... thing?

JEWBACCA: Nazi parah-ba'al!

His growling remark about Officer's sexual preference causes Udai to nudge him hard to shut up. Fortunately, few if any Imperials speek Woobrew, and this Warden was clearly not a linguistic prodigy.

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: Prisoner transfer from Block one-one-two-three.

WARDEN: I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it.

The officer goes back to his console and begins to punch in the information. There are only three other troopers in the area. Qusai and Udai survey the situation, checking all of the alarms, automated laser turrets and camera eyes. Udai taps Jewbacca and shrugs to Qusai. Suddenly Jewbacca throws off the improperly fastened binders and lets out with one of his ear-piercing howls. He grabs Udai's laser rifle.

UDAI SOLO: Look out! He's loose!

QUSAI SCUDWALKER: He's going to pull us all apart.

UDAI SOLO: What are you waiting for! Get him!

The startled guards are momentarily dumbfounded. Qusai and Udai have already pulled out their blaster rifles and are blasting away at the terrifying Wook-oy. But their barrage of laserfire misses Jewie completely, instead hitting the camera eyes and auto-laser guns in the walls. The Imperial guards are slow to catch on... they open fire on the "prisonner" as well, also missing him completely. After a few shots though, they are perilously close to hitting Udai by accident, so he turns towards them and takes down all three guards and the officer in four clean shots. The Warden is the last to fall, just as he was about to push the alarm system. Udai rushes to the comlink system, which is screeching questions about what is going on. He quickly checks the computer readout.

UDAI SOLO: We've got to find out which cell this Princess Ali person is in. Here it is... in cell twenty-one-eight-seven. You go get her. I'll hold them here.

As Qusai races down one of the